(no subject)
im not sure if i hate this summer or love it. im all on my own, which is nice, but im not really on my own. im completely depending on everybody else in my life and i hate that. i hate the fact that i have never NOT depended on anybody. i have always depended on my parents, until i got the fuck out of there, now im depending on my friends in augusta for food, a place to live....i guess some things will never really change. This summer has taught me a lot, but i fear that i am doing unhealthy things that are really going to affect me once summer ends. Somehow im letting myself care about a guy who didnt really mean much to me before. To make it worse we are still fucking sleeping together even after we broke up. I mean, its okay for now, we care about eachother but dating is just too hard. i dont like the whole concept of dating and when people think they control the other persons life...but he is leaving on august 3rd. he's taking a plane all the way to San Diego. Im not sure if it will be the smartest thing to sleep with him until he leaves. It might be difficult going to sleep by myself at night. I havent slept alone in a bed almost all summer. I've been crashing anywhere i can, sleeping next to my friends or with boys.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Im thinking about how maybe people are right when they say i have become a bad person. but what is a bad person exactly? I do things that are 'sins' but im not hurting any of my friends or myself. In fact, im not affecting them at all, so what im doing cant make me a bad perosn. i just hope that people get over themselves. i hate every town i go to. Columbia has way too much drama, and there is NOTHING for me there. But then again fucking augusta is just a hole to get stuck in, there are wonderful people, but nobody is going anywhere unless they fucking leave. there is nothing for me there either. Sometimes i feel like i need to just find a new town again.
I used to think that Ian was mean, because he was the only one who made me feel like i should leave georgia...but leaving only makes things better, it makes me have a future. Ian is so overprotective of me, but at the same time so fucking mean. I've come to realize that things he says, have a really deep meaning, that if you pick through, and drop the bitterness, may actually be constructive.
ugh, i miss him but then again i really fucking dont. i think that is how it is like with all the guys i have slept with...and i probably shouldnt be writing about that, but imean, come on...i have nothing to hide. three guys, who cares. so yea...anyways, i think im going to give up dating, just toss that term right out the window, no boyfriend girlfriend bullshit. It will be a relationship, just like friendships are relationships. But if you really enjoy one person, i think you can be with them and still have a great time without calling them your boyfriend or girlfriend. When a relationship gets bad, and you try to fix it, but it doesnt get better, just throw it all away. its so much easier to let go than to hold on.
within time, everything fades.
These words will fade..in the future they wont mean anything at all. all the fights i ever got in, they wont mean anything at all. in the future, even you will fade. right out of my life.
and i dont even care anymore.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Im thinking about how maybe people are right when they say i have become a bad person. but what is a bad person exactly? I do things that are 'sins' but im not hurting any of my friends or myself. In fact, im not affecting them at all, so what im doing cant make me a bad perosn. i just hope that people get over themselves. i hate every town i go to. Columbia has way too much drama, and there is NOTHING for me there. But then again fucking augusta is just a hole to get stuck in, there are wonderful people, but nobody is going anywhere unless they fucking leave. there is nothing for me there either. Sometimes i feel like i need to just find a new town again.
I used to think that Ian was mean, because he was the only one who made me feel like i should leave georgia...but leaving only makes things better, it makes me have a future. Ian is so overprotective of me, but at the same time so fucking mean. I've come to realize that things he says, have a really deep meaning, that if you pick through, and drop the bitterness, may actually be constructive.
ugh, i miss him but then again i really fucking dont. i think that is how it is like with all the guys i have slept with...and i probably shouldnt be writing about that, but imean, come on...i have nothing to hide. three guys, who cares. so yea...anyways, i think im going to give up dating, just toss that term right out the window, no boyfriend girlfriend bullshit. It will be a relationship, just like friendships are relationships. But if you really enjoy one person, i think you can be with them and still have a great time without calling them your boyfriend or girlfriend. When a relationship gets bad, and you try to fix it, but it doesnt get better, just throw it all away. its so much easier to let go than to hold on.
within time, everything fades.
These words will fade..in the future they wont mean anything at all. all the fights i ever got in, they wont mean anything at all. in the future, even you will fade. right out of my life.
and i dont even care anymore.