The end?
K so.. this little adventure into LJ land has been eventful. I suspect I won't be back here for a while but it's been good to reconnect to that side of myself in a way. (Even if it spilled over to Facebook and made people all worried because zomg Kim wrote something deep/meaningful/whatever. Part of me had to chuckle a little bit because if they came here..? Well yeah.)
So this is me giving up/in. When I wrote the previous entry Nate had stopped talking, only I hadn't realised it at the time. I realised a few days later when all of my messages were still unread and yet there he was, online... but unreachable. I have been.. strung out. I still am. I have had stern talks with myself where I'm like, OK I will not message him for x days and then have no willpower or self-control.. I see him there and try to contact him again because maybe this time..! (I'm not proud.) Each time less hopeful/more emotional than the last. I have tried to talk to him on now, 4 different messaging services [we have been so connected in previous lifetimes] and nothing. I've known for a while that this is not accidental, it's completely deliberate so all of the later messages have been borderline manipulative attempts to just get him to fucking.. talk.
So yes. Here I am in a situation where, 12 years after we broke up, I am being ghosted by my ex. Whereas 5 weeks ago we hadn't spoken in 6+ years and I was OK with that, that was his choice. But now we have been speaking again and.. fuuuck. This hurts. Not least because being me I have pored through old conversations and found things he's said eg. in 2013 (when we hadn't really talked for 4 years and then did chat for a few months before it fizzled out) "if we are to be friends again (which is my hope) then.." and yet this time it seems to have been my wish for this to become a fixture in our lives that has pushed him away. it just feels like .. we're connected but have never quite both wanted to talk to each other the exact same amount. Even when we were together.
And all of this in the middle of an apocalyptic-feeling coronavirus outbreak where all I want to do is gather those I love and talk to them (in a safe online setting of course).
and like obviously I've been trying to figure out what's going on or what I said or did or whatever but I strongly suspect that he just kind of went 'I can't deal with this right now' and set my messages to 'ignore' and you know. That would be fine if we hadn't spent basically 10 years not talking, at least in part because he rarely starts conversations, and I didn't have such extreme doubts that he will ever think of me enough to go 'hey I haven't talked to Kim in a while I'll say hi'. And if I can't reach him to start a conversation that could well be it. Hence the obsessive cross-platform messaging.
But what this feels like to me is that, after 14 years of whatever (OK yes, 10 years of those we weren't speaking all the time but that doesn't mean that the history isn't there), this is, deliberately or not, his way of ending things for good.
[I used to go through this kind of thing with Luke on a semi-regular basis and I'd panic that he wouldn't come back to me and when things were good he'd always be like 'don't be stupid I always come back in the end'.. one time it was after 9 entire months had passed and I'd managed to remove him from my life successfully that he turned up. I remember another time when he'd blocked me for one reason or another but took the time to let me know that it wasn't permanent. Like on the one hand yes it was a douche move to block me in the first place but I could handle it if I knew that there would be something salvageable at the other end and even though he was angry at me he knew that was what I needed and he gave it to me.]
And there are other associated things like, how hard it is for me to see him be online but not be within reach. Or like, genuine potential unfounded concern for him because what if.. I dunno. Like, I lost Luke to suicide. I don't harbour illusions that I could have done anything to prevent it but I do seriously wish I had gone to see him more in the last few months.. I'm not sure he'd have let me come though because it might have made him have to be really honest with himself about what he was feeling... plus the thing of Nate being there online but not reachable kind of makes me think of how Luke will never be reachable again and how desperately sad that makes me. tangent. Or not?
What if Nate is struggling? While I get that I'm probably the last person he'd want to talk to, if I knew that me going to see him would help in any way I would just get in my car and drive and give him the biggest hug (coronavirus be damned) except the very real flaw is I don't know where he lives.
As things stand at the moment.. we have basically been incommunicado for 2 weeks. In that time I've messaged him most if not all days. Seeing him online and deliberately ignoring me makes me want to cry, all the time. Who knew that tiny green dot on an avatar could have such an effect. [A point of note; I don't like that I'm like this but it's a product of caring too much I think. Plus anxiety.] I've thought about asking him why on earth we're still friends on facebook if he cares so little but if he then went ahead and deleted me I think that would break me so I haven't ventured there.
I desperately want this to be a friendship because I feel like there is so much good between us and we could have such positive effects on each others' lives, I genuinely believe that. But I have to stop this now because if I carry on, a) any hope of him wanting to talk to me ever again will be completely gone, b) it is affecting my mental health, I feel like a bit of me is being eroded with every message I send that isn't acknowledged. and c) because the more I think about it the more it feels like it is perfectly calculated to hurt me as much as possible and I can't think like that.
So as I said before - I'm done, I'm giving in. But I just wanted to note that I'm not giving up on us. Should he ever choose to come back I would be here and I wouldn't give him a hard time. The bottom line (and obviously the reason this is all so difficult) is that I love him, I always have really, and probably always will.
So this is me giving up/in. When I wrote the previous entry Nate had stopped talking, only I hadn't realised it at the time. I realised a few days later when all of my messages were still unread and yet there he was, online... but unreachable. I have been.. strung out. I still am. I have had stern talks with myself where I'm like, OK I will not message him for x days and then have no willpower or self-control.. I see him there and try to contact him again because maybe this time..! (I'm not proud.) Each time less hopeful/more emotional than the last. I have tried to talk to him on now, 4 different messaging services [we have been so connected in previous lifetimes] and nothing. I've known for a while that this is not accidental, it's completely deliberate so all of the later messages have been borderline manipulative attempts to just get him to fucking.. talk.
So yes. Here I am in a situation where, 12 years after we broke up, I am being ghosted by my ex. Whereas 5 weeks ago we hadn't spoken in 6+ years and I was OK with that, that was his choice. But now we have been speaking again and.. fuuuck. This hurts. Not least because being me I have pored through old conversations and found things he's said eg. in 2013 (when we hadn't really talked for 4 years and then did chat for a few months before it fizzled out) "if we are to be friends again (which is my hope) then.." and yet this time it seems to have been my wish for this to become a fixture in our lives that has pushed him away. it just feels like .. we're connected but have never quite both wanted to talk to each other the exact same amount. Even when we were together.
And all of this in the middle of an apocalyptic-feeling coronavirus outbreak where all I want to do is gather those I love and talk to them (in a safe online setting of course).
and like obviously I've been trying to figure out what's going on or what I said or did or whatever but I strongly suspect that he just kind of went 'I can't deal with this right now' and set my messages to 'ignore' and you know. That would be fine if we hadn't spent basically 10 years not talking, at least in part because he rarely starts conversations, and I didn't have such extreme doubts that he will ever think of me enough to go 'hey I haven't talked to Kim in a while I'll say hi'. And if I can't reach him to start a conversation that could well be it. Hence the obsessive cross-platform messaging.
But what this feels like to me is that, after 14 years of whatever (OK yes, 10 years of those we weren't speaking all the time but that doesn't mean that the history isn't there), this is, deliberately or not, his way of ending things for good.
[I used to go through this kind of thing with Luke on a semi-regular basis and I'd panic that he wouldn't come back to me and when things were good he'd always be like 'don't be stupid I always come back in the end'.. one time it was after 9 entire months had passed and I'd managed to remove him from my life successfully that he turned up. I remember another time when he'd blocked me for one reason or another but took the time to let me know that it wasn't permanent. Like on the one hand yes it was a douche move to block me in the first place but I could handle it if I knew that there would be something salvageable at the other end and even though he was angry at me he knew that was what I needed and he gave it to me.]
And there are other associated things like, how hard it is for me to see him be online but not be within reach. Or like, genuine potential unfounded concern for him because what if.. I dunno. Like, I lost Luke to suicide. I don't harbour illusions that I could have done anything to prevent it but I do seriously wish I had gone to see him more in the last few months.. I'm not sure he'd have let me come though because it might have made him have to be really honest with himself about what he was feeling... plus the thing of Nate being there online but not reachable kind of makes me think of how Luke will never be reachable again and how desperately sad that makes me. tangent. Or not?
What if Nate is struggling? While I get that I'm probably the last person he'd want to talk to, if I knew that me going to see him would help in any way I would just get in my car and drive and give him the biggest hug (coronavirus be damned) except the very real flaw is I don't know where he lives.
As things stand at the moment.. we have basically been incommunicado for 2 weeks. In that time I've messaged him most if not all days. Seeing him online and deliberately ignoring me makes me want to cry, all the time. Who knew that tiny green dot on an avatar could have such an effect. [A point of note; I don't like that I'm like this but it's a product of caring too much I think. Plus anxiety.] I've thought about asking him why on earth we're still friends on facebook if he cares so little but if he then went ahead and deleted me I think that would break me so I haven't ventured there.
I desperately want this to be a friendship because I feel like there is so much good between us and we could have such positive effects on each others' lives, I genuinely believe that. But I have to stop this now because if I carry on, a) any hope of him wanting to talk to me ever again will be completely gone, b) it is affecting my mental health, I feel like a bit of me is being eroded with every message I send that isn't acknowledged. and c) because the more I think about it the more it feels like it is perfectly calculated to hurt me as much as possible and I can't think like that.
So as I said before - I'm done, I'm giving in. But I just wanted to note that I'm not giving up on us. Should he ever choose to come back I would be here and I wouldn't give him a hard time. The bottom line (and obviously the reason this is all so difficult) is that I love him, I always have really, and probably always will.