Zomg another update?!?
Edit: this was locked so only nate could see it but then I figured.. Hey, why break the habit of a lifetime? Not like anybody reads this anymore anyway. And once again, none of this is a reflection on how I feel about Phil. I have found at more than one point in my life that my heart has seemingly infinite room for those I love.
So current situation is as follows; a couple of years ago I looked back through lj, mainly looking for luke actually but in the meantime I found nate in there. Meeting him, the first few months, the choice he made and then my basically talking him into submission and him eventually (reluctantly) falling in love with me...
Then after all of that, the relationship - my emotions, his distance (physically and metaphorically at times), the challenge of being in a long distance relationship while meeting new people at uni all the time.
And to finish off, his distress at the end, after the end and how much I separated myself from his pain... The parallels between my writing at the start and his at the end are crazy. It's like all the love I had for him at the start transferred over from me to him. There was so much build up but when the reality didn't meet the fairytale it seems I just gave up on it; having persuaded him into a relationship he told me he wasn't ready for, I just left him there hanging once he was fully in.
Things took their toll after I came back to uni in second year having spent the summer in the scilly isles and Rome, having made approximately 30 new friends which of course were completely separate from my life with him.
I remember the frustration of trying to sort my 21st birthday - Nate didn't want to come to Cardiff and he definitely didn't want to come to Cardiff and go out with a fresh group of people he didn't know. As I remember (although this bit isn't in lj) I said no bother, we'll go for a meal together or something just us but he was like, no that would mean they are celebrating your actual birthday not me, to which I was like, so you're saying I can't celebrate with them unless you're there but you won't come so I don't get to have a birthday!? *manipulate manipulate*. So of all the compromises we could have made in that situation, he squashed his feelings and said he would come and party in Cardiff with my friends.. And I let him.
The night itself was (unsurprisingly) a disaster for us. Between his anxiety and my not focusing enough (any) attention on him, having essentially forced him to do the thing he definitely didn't want to do for my sake, and ending up on what became a dodgy pub crawl in the rain due to a fire alarm going off in our intended destination, Nate became irritable; ranting about bar prices and having to move on to the next pub having only just bought a drink, refusing to dance or talk to me about what was going on and eventually disappearing only to come back and ask, "aren't you going to follow me then?!" and "if you had a headache or xyz I would stop what we were doing and go home with you" - I can't quite remember but I think I even offered him my key if he wanted to go home on his own (not once suggesting that we could leave early together - having too much fun with my new friends for that...)
I was embarrassed - Luke and Julia and Joe had travelled especially and I so wanted them to see him in his best light; Luke and Julia left early because they were having such a shit time and Joe stuck by me while I ranted about how hard this all was for me and how all I wanted to do was dance with my friends. I did dance but it was short lived..
I came home to Nate in a meltdown but also just endlessly apologising for not being better. I was angry that he had "ruined my birthday" (I'm pretty sure I kept that resentment for the longest time) and decided that I couldn't cope with things as they were any longer. I think (again, these things aren't documented) I tried to break up with him the next morning but he wouldn't let me and begged me to let us try. That was October; I eventually broke up with him over the phone in December.
In short? I hate that girl. For all of her assurances to him that she would always be there for him no matter what, she wasn't when it mattered. There is a photo from the night which really hurts - I'm there with a group of friends with a giant 21 badge being all happy and Nate is in the background on his own.
Would things have been different had I been more understanding? Maybe not in the long term, who knows? (there are other more sensible reasons for breaking up like, his ideas around raising kids are completely at odds with mine; his anxiety about visiting me in Cardiff was definitely putting a significant strain on us which made things feel very one sided as I would always visit him; we both needed more emotional support in a relationship than the other could give) but essentially what happened is, I let those new friends go to my head..
That night is the perfect example of the choice I thought I was making - to have easy carefree fun or to be responsible for the health and wellbeing of another person, which I clearly wasn't equipped to do at the time. I found myself wanting to be single so that I could flirt with whomever I chose (but not necessarily to act on it). I wanted the option of a 'normal' relationship but wasn't prepared to wait for him to get better.
I broke up with him and then basically (not deliberately) tortured him for months if not years with sporadic attempts at friendship but on my terms, making him feel not good enough; telling him I love him but not in the same way as I used to - rubbing salt into the wound; not once examining my part in the change in my feelings from the beginning to the end of the relationship. I remember feeling like I had to be firm with him as he was having such a hard time getting over me. Over time "I love you" became "I miss you" because I didn't want to give him false hope (note - not because I stopped loving him)...
Like, he's said recently that he has no bad feelings about what went down although the ending sucked (but endings always suck) but I am like, well I do.. by the bucket load.
I've said for a long time that we broke up due to his depression and that I couldn't let him drag me under with him. What I'm coming to realise is that our ending at that particular time was so much more about me and my insecurities and expectations than it was about him, and yet I let him think otherwise. Essentially, I have a lot of regrets.
==================================
So two years ago I attempted to contact him.. Over the course of several days he saw and ignored my messages. I thought, fair enough, probably burned too many bridges now that he's had time to reflect on things with us not speaking for, at that point, 4.5 years. I did wonder why he didn't just delete me from Facebook.
I tried again about a year later and still no joy; and then about 2 weeks ago, he popped up in a dream and I decided I had to make a last ditch attempt.
He talked back! And since then we've had a few deep and meaningfuls and also a few just, chats exchanging music and stuff.
In some ways it feels like old times but in others I feel a bit as though he is shielding himself and not engaging in any too-involved topics involving my feelings. And who can blame him?? I broke his heart over and over and over. But at the same time I also broke my own.
There is also the thing of 10 years having passed and us both having grown up and met other people in that time.. But..
I wax lyrical sometimes about how luke knew me better than anyone. Sometimes I've used the example that luke didn't feel that nate or matt were right for me and told me so, unlike anybody else. I mean, he was right about matt for sure.
But then there was nate who genuinely loved me for everything that I am (emotional roller-coaster and craziness included) and never made me doubt it, never once tried to change me, never just blocked me because he wasn't interested in talking to me and stuck around after we'd broken up because *he* wanted to make sure *I* was OK despite how much I was constantly hurting him and honestly? It makes my heart hurt.
There are several posts or comments where I say at various times, "I love you. Never forget that." or "don't forget that I will always be here for you" but looking back it seems like I forgot.
I can't remember when or why we stopped talking - I think maybe with the death of msn.. Or perhaps when I found myself in a secure relationship I didn't need him anymore (that idea makes me hate myself too). I may have allowed it to happen because there was so much hurt there that I hadn't faced up to my responsibility for and talking was awkward...
Either way there's been a lot of wasted time.
From old entries it does seem clear that I didn't just break up with him and suddenly feel free; in fact a lot of my flip flopping insecurity with friendships and other guys began around the time we stopped talking - seems like I was looking for acceptance from them when I already had it from him. I also don't think it's insignificant that I didn't date or sleep with anyone for the rest of uni. Perhaps on a subconscious level it wasn't just him that wasn't over me.
There are other mentions too, of having spent 4.5 years compromising myself to fit in - again pretty much 4.5 years on from when we stopped talking. These could be coincidences but what if they aren't? What if I actually threw away the connection I had with the one person who never made me compromise myself because it was 'too hard', but spent the next few years ungrounded and untethered without even realising?
I am not saying I'm still in love with him - that's not what this is. As I say there are reasons we weren't compatible. I am just so, so sad that I almost certainly made his mental health worse and took him for granted to the extent that I did, and that we've spent nearly 10 years of our lives not talking.
Wise or not, I'm trying to cultivate a friendship out of the ashes of what we had, and hoping against hope that he wants the same thing. I don't know how it's going to work what with me being married etc (I haven't really spoken to him about how he feels about that) but I so want to make room for him in my life. I want to be there for him like I promised I would be so many times.
I want to make up for lost time. I just hope we are on the same page...
So current situation is as follows; a couple of years ago I looked back through lj, mainly looking for luke actually but in the meantime I found nate in there. Meeting him, the first few months, the choice he made and then my basically talking him into submission and him eventually (reluctantly) falling in love with me...
Then after all of that, the relationship - my emotions, his distance (physically and metaphorically at times), the challenge of being in a long distance relationship while meeting new people at uni all the time.
And to finish off, his distress at the end, after the end and how much I separated myself from his pain... The parallels between my writing at the start and his at the end are crazy. It's like all the love I had for him at the start transferred over from me to him. There was so much build up but when the reality didn't meet the fairytale it seems I just gave up on it; having persuaded him into a relationship he told me he wasn't ready for, I just left him there hanging once he was fully in.
Things took their toll after I came back to uni in second year having spent the summer in the scilly isles and Rome, having made approximately 30 new friends which of course were completely separate from my life with him.
I remember the frustration of trying to sort my 21st birthday - Nate didn't want to come to Cardiff and he definitely didn't want to come to Cardiff and go out with a fresh group of people he didn't know. As I remember (although this bit isn't in lj) I said no bother, we'll go for a meal together or something just us but he was like, no that would mean they are celebrating your actual birthday not me, to which I was like, so you're saying I can't celebrate with them unless you're there but you won't come so I don't get to have a birthday!? *manipulate manipulate*. So of all the compromises we could have made in that situation, he squashed his feelings and said he would come and party in Cardiff with my friends.. And I let him.
The night itself was (unsurprisingly) a disaster for us. Between his anxiety and my not focusing enough (any) attention on him, having essentially forced him to do the thing he definitely didn't want to do for my sake, and ending up on what became a dodgy pub crawl in the rain due to a fire alarm going off in our intended destination, Nate became irritable; ranting about bar prices and having to move on to the next pub having only just bought a drink, refusing to dance or talk to me about what was going on and eventually disappearing only to come back and ask, "aren't you going to follow me then?!" and "if you had a headache or xyz I would stop what we were doing and go home with you" - I can't quite remember but I think I even offered him my key if he wanted to go home on his own (not once suggesting that we could leave early together - having too much fun with my new friends for that...)
I was embarrassed - Luke and Julia and Joe had travelled especially and I so wanted them to see him in his best light; Luke and Julia left early because they were having such a shit time and Joe stuck by me while I ranted about how hard this all was for me and how all I wanted to do was dance with my friends. I did dance but it was short lived..
I came home to Nate in a meltdown but also just endlessly apologising for not being better. I was angry that he had "ruined my birthday" (I'm pretty sure I kept that resentment for the longest time) and decided that I couldn't cope with things as they were any longer. I think (again, these things aren't documented) I tried to break up with him the next morning but he wouldn't let me and begged me to let us try. That was October; I eventually broke up with him over the phone in December.
In short? I hate that girl. For all of her assurances to him that she would always be there for him no matter what, she wasn't when it mattered. There is a photo from the night which really hurts - I'm there with a group of friends with a giant 21 badge being all happy and Nate is in the background on his own.
Would things have been different had I been more understanding? Maybe not in the long term, who knows? (there are other more sensible reasons for breaking up like, his ideas around raising kids are completely at odds with mine; his anxiety about visiting me in Cardiff was definitely putting a significant strain on us which made things feel very one sided as I would always visit him; we both needed more emotional support in a relationship than the other could give) but essentially what happened is, I let those new friends go to my head..
That night is the perfect example of the choice I thought I was making - to have easy carefree fun or to be responsible for the health and wellbeing of another person, which I clearly wasn't equipped to do at the time. I found myself wanting to be single so that I could flirt with whomever I chose (but not necessarily to act on it). I wanted the option of a 'normal' relationship but wasn't prepared to wait for him to get better.
I broke up with him and then basically (not deliberately) tortured him for months if not years with sporadic attempts at friendship but on my terms, making him feel not good enough; telling him I love him but not in the same way as I used to - rubbing salt into the wound; not once examining my part in the change in my feelings from the beginning to the end of the relationship. I remember feeling like I had to be firm with him as he was having such a hard time getting over me. Over time "I love you" became "I miss you" because I didn't want to give him false hope (note - not because I stopped loving him)...
Like, he's said recently that he has no bad feelings about what went down although the ending sucked (but endings always suck) but I am like, well I do.. by the bucket load.
I've said for a long time that we broke up due to his depression and that I couldn't let him drag me under with him. What I'm coming to realise is that our ending at that particular time was so much more about me and my insecurities and expectations than it was about him, and yet I let him think otherwise. Essentially, I have a lot of regrets.
==================================
So two years ago I attempted to contact him.. Over the course of several days he saw and ignored my messages. I thought, fair enough, probably burned too many bridges now that he's had time to reflect on things with us not speaking for, at that point, 4.5 years. I did wonder why he didn't just delete me from Facebook.
I tried again about a year later and still no joy; and then about 2 weeks ago, he popped up in a dream and I decided I had to make a last ditch attempt.
He talked back! And since then we've had a few deep and meaningfuls and also a few just, chats exchanging music and stuff.
In some ways it feels like old times but in others I feel a bit as though he is shielding himself and not engaging in any too-involved topics involving my feelings. And who can blame him?? I broke his heart over and over and over. But at the same time I also broke my own.
There is also the thing of 10 years having passed and us both having grown up and met other people in that time.. But..
I wax lyrical sometimes about how luke knew me better than anyone. Sometimes I've used the example that luke didn't feel that nate or matt were right for me and told me so, unlike anybody else. I mean, he was right about matt for sure.
But then there was nate who genuinely loved me for everything that I am (emotional roller-coaster and craziness included) and never made me doubt it, never once tried to change me, never just blocked me because he wasn't interested in talking to me and stuck around after we'd broken up because *he* wanted to make sure *I* was OK despite how much I was constantly hurting him and honestly? It makes my heart hurt.
There are several posts or comments where I say at various times, "I love you. Never forget that." or "don't forget that I will always be here for you" but looking back it seems like I forgot.
I can't remember when or why we stopped talking - I think maybe with the death of msn.. Or perhaps when I found myself in a secure relationship I didn't need him anymore (that idea makes me hate myself too). I may have allowed it to happen because there was so much hurt there that I hadn't faced up to my responsibility for and talking was awkward...
Either way there's been a lot of wasted time.
From old entries it does seem clear that I didn't just break up with him and suddenly feel free; in fact a lot of my flip flopping insecurity with friendships and other guys began around the time we stopped talking - seems like I was looking for acceptance from them when I already had it from him. I also don't think it's insignificant that I didn't date or sleep with anyone for the rest of uni. Perhaps on a subconscious level it wasn't just him that wasn't over me.
There are other mentions too, of having spent 4.5 years compromising myself to fit in - again pretty much 4.5 years on from when we stopped talking. These could be coincidences but what if they aren't? What if I actually threw away the connection I had with the one person who never made me compromise myself because it was 'too hard', but spent the next few years ungrounded and untethered without even realising?
I am not saying I'm still in love with him - that's not what this is. As I say there are reasons we weren't compatible. I am just so, so sad that I almost certainly made his mental health worse and took him for granted to the extent that I did, and that we've spent nearly 10 years of our lives not talking.
Wise or not, I'm trying to cultivate a friendship out of the ashes of what we had, and hoping against hope that he wants the same thing. I don't know how it's going to work what with me being married etc (I haven't really spoken to him about how he feels about that) but I so want to make room for him in my life. I want to be there for him like I promised I would be so many times.
I want to make up for lost time. I just hope we are on the same page...