(no subject)
ok, you know. i get it. i know what i sound like, i've become one of those people i hate.
and this isn't even news to me.
somewhere along the line i went from making insightful observations and going on my merry way to being so caught up with the negatives that i couldn't/wouldn't see anything else. i don't want to be that person.
and i understand that people don't want to be friends with that person. it's ok, you know? i really wouldn't.
so that leaves.. what? i'm actually ok. i brought this on myself but i'm not saying that in a, 'i'm such a shitty version of myself' kind of way anymore; more that this is my fault therefore it is up to me to change it... and i'm gonna.
of everyone now, the only person that i'm remotely upset with is joe, because if the situation had been reversed it would have been so different. and just because it hasn't been reversed, just because he's been ok and i haven't, just because he hasn't needed me... i would never have put limits on that friendship. i always thought it was beyond impatience or eye rolling or decisions about maturity; i thought it was one of those, i'll always be there even if you're being the dumbest fuck on the planet, kinda things. until now anyway.
because i have been dumb. i have been wallowing and i get that his patience ran thin, but y'know, i thought it was one of those things where that didn't matter because he knew me well enough to know better.
because that's how i'd have been for him.
yep i'm naive.
i just need to y'know. stop moaning. stop posting stuff like this. because i'm no deeper than anyone else, and i've never thought that i was. my problems are the same as anyone else's, and i've always known that. and i can't exactly complain about people thinking that all i do is moan when all i do is moan about people thinking that that's all i do. self-fulfilling prophecies and all that...
so i'm not asking for sympathy or any of that. i'm gonna do my level best not to need it or want it. i'm gonna be me.
and finally, this whole extension thing - i needed it. whether i deserved it or not shouldn't even come into it; the fact of the matter is, for reasons that are my own (because if i wrote them down they're really just stupidly trivial anyway - and no it's not because i was on facebook, the epic procrastination is merely a symptom of something else), i would not have got it done before the deadline (and it's still touch and go now.. she says as she writes this instead). the fact was, things occurred which affected me and the way i worked this term more than i let on to most people or even myself. should/shouldn't doesn't come into it. fact is, i was affected and that is all that matters here.
speaking of which, back to the.. writing.. board? yeah.
xx
and this isn't even news to me.
somewhere along the line i went from making insightful observations and going on my merry way to being so caught up with the negatives that i couldn't/wouldn't see anything else. i don't want to be that person.
and i understand that people don't want to be friends with that person. it's ok, you know? i really wouldn't.
so that leaves.. what? i'm actually ok. i brought this on myself but i'm not saying that in a, 'i'm such a shitty version of myself' kind of way anymore; more that this is my fault therefore it is up to me to change it... and i'm gonna.
of everyone now, the only person that i'm remotely upset with is joe, because if the situation had been reversed it would have been so different. and just because it hasn't been reversed, just because he's been ok and i haven't, just because he hasn't needed me... i would never have put limits on that friendship. i always thought it was beyond impatience or eye rolling or decisions about maturity; i thought it was one of those, i'll always be there even if you're being the dumbest fuck on the planet, kinda things. until now anyway.
because i have been dumb. i have been wallowing and i get that his patience ran thin, but y'know, i thought it was one of those things where that didn't matter because he knew me well enough to know better.
because that's how i'd have been for him.
yep i'm naive.
i just need to y'know. stop moaning. stop posting stuff like this. because i'm no deeper than anyone else, and i've never thought that i was. my problems are the same as anyone else's, and i've always known that. and i can't exactly complain about people thinking that all i do is moan when all i do is moan about people thinking that that's all i do. self-fulfilling prophecies and all that...
so i'm not asking for sympathy or any of that. i'm gonna do my level best not to need it or want it. i'm gonna be me.
and finally, this whole extension thing - i needed it. whether i deserved it or not shouldn't even come into it; the fact of the matter is, for reasons that are my own (because if i wrote them down they're really just stupidly trivial anyway - and no it's not because i was on facebook, the epic procrastination is merely a symptom of something else), i would not have got it done before the deadline (and it's still touch and go now.. she says as she writes this instead). the fact was, things occurred which affected me and the way i worked this term more than i let on to most people or even myself. should/shouldn't doesn't come into it. fact is, i was affected and that is all that matters here.
speaking of which, back to the.. writing.. board? yeah.
xx