(no subject)
i think maybe my stance of writing anything and everything i want on here, screw the consequences, was perhaps always influenced by the luxury of the knowledge that luke didn't read this; he knew of its existence but for the most part, didn't want to know. that used to frustrate me a little but thinking about it, it may have been his form of respect. to pretend that i wasn't this crazy and to appreciate me for what i let on to him alone rather than what basically amounts to private thoughts aired in public. he didn't want to know, didn't want to admit how i felt, how much he meant, etc. but i still think he knew, to the point that the friendship ended because he could no longer cope with it. maybe the fact that he kept up the pretense, ignored it and told himself it was ok as long as he did is something i need to thank him for, a sign that he really did care enough about me/my friendship to waive a detail that he felt would cripple it if it was acknowledged. maybe that supposed ignorance actually indicates how much i meant to him. maybe...
anyway, musings aside, that stance is still there; i refuse to be made uncomfortable by the fact that this might be read by the one person it's about (you know who you are) and therefore in a normal situation shouldn't be able to read it. i'm going to write about things i probably shouldn't, and i'm not going to apologise for it. i need to clarify a few things in my head and this is how i'm going to do it.
maybe this is like football results on the news? i'm giving you an out. if you don't want to know, look away now.
so yesterday we talked. and on the whole things are so much clearer, something i'm pleased about. i'm no longer stressed about it and think i will finally be able to relax. there is, however, a feeling of loss, and of having been a fool. two things he said, 'i don't feel we're on the same wavelength', and 'i don't feel that way [as comfortable as he does with some of his other, older friends] about you'. at first it was kind of like ... oh. i had no response. they were the two things that i felt were a constant, which were why i was quite so frustrated because that was what i felt was at stake, the prospect of losing someone i'd just found who so completely was on the same wavelength as me, through nothing more than my own neuroses and general stupidity.
however. he changed the goalposts, said it never was like that, he was just 'trying it out' to get to know me, to see if it worked, that it was nothing more than that.
but that feeling of foolishness? i'm not giving into that.
i may be fanciful at times but i don't imagine connections with people, i absolutely did not imagine revealing conversations we had and i feel i know him well enough to think that he wouldn't deliver 'lines', he would be as honest with me as i was with him.
and so the only logical conclusion i can draw, or perhaps that i am willing to draw, is that everything he said, he meant; at least he did at the time.
whatever was going on, we were in it together, and like fuck is he going to take that from me. at the beginning, it was mutual, i pushed it no more than he did, and i'm absolutely not going to feel like a fool for thinking what i thought, for knowing we could have been onto something good amazing.
my conclusion: things have changed, from his point of view. and whereas before i felt they could be changed back (why i was so keen to have the conversation), i now think it is irreparable. so i'm not in denial; i've accepted that change, and we can move on from this point. but we're not going to do it with me feeling like an idiot; we're going to do it by means of me giving up fighting for something indefinable that no longer exists. if he wants me to accept that it never did exist, however, he is, quite frankly, deluded. but whatever it was is not something i'm going to cling onto, and so it's ok.
the other stuff... with the castle coch/mel/friendship group thing, yes i am asking you (in the most taboo fashion) to throw me a frickin' bone. i know you won't, though. but it's ok, cos you're not gonna be around soon enough and i reckon things with kev and rob will be fine. i really do value the fledgling friendship thing i have going on with them, even if it didn't happen in the way that it did with you - i just think they're both fantastic. it does bug me intensely that you were the one person who was acting as an obstacle to that, again considering things that you have said before. it actually comes across as pretty selfish (i'm sorry, but it does...); while i accept and understand that you may not wish to spend a lot of time with me, and that i'm not someone you've known for a long time, the power to decide how much time i spend with the others has been put into your hands by the fact that getting to know each other in the way that we did means you know me better and i am 'your friend', not theirs (which obviously includes the assumption that you will actually want to see me more rather than less). if that hadn't happened, i kinda think i'd have been round at your flat to see rob and kev (and you) a lot more over the past few weeks, and i just can't believe that getting to know you backfired on me in that way.
of course this doesn't mean i won't miss you being around.
there was something else but i can't remember it. maybe i'll work it out and update later.
anyway. last night, pancakes then gagz's birthday - bloody awesome. late for work now though, so will update on it later, hopefully with photos if people are kind enough to put them up on the book.....
anyway, musings aside, that stance is still there; i refuse to be made uncomfortable by the fact that this might be read by the one person it's about (you know who you are) and therefore in a normal situation shouldn't be able to read it. i'm going to write about things i probably shouldn't, and i'm not going to apologise for it. i need to clarify a few things in my head and this is how i'm going to do it.
maybe this is like football results on the news? i'm giving you an out. if you don't want to know, look away now.
so yesterday we talked. and on the whole things are so much clearer, something i'm pleased about. i'm no longer stressed about it and think i will finally be able to relax. there is, however, a feeling of loss, and of having been a fool. two things he said, 'i don't feel we're on the same wavelength', and 'i don't feel that way [as comfortable as he does with some of his other, older friends] about you'. at first it was kind of like ... oh. i had no response. they were the two things that i felt were a constant, which were why i was quite so frustrated because that was what i felt was at stake, the prospect of losing someone i'd just found who so completely was on the same wavelength as me, through nothing more than my own neuroses and general stupidity.
however. he changed the goalposts, said it never was like that, he was just 'trying it out' to get to know me, to see if it worked, that it was nothing more than that.
but that feeling of foolishness? i'm not giving into that.
i may be fanciful at times but i don't imagine connections with people, i absolutely did not imagine revealing conversations we had and i feel i know him well enough to think that he wouldn't deliver 'lines', he would be as honest with me as i was with him.
and so the only logical conclusion i can draw, or perhaps that i am willing to draw, is that everything he said, he meant; at least he did at the time.
whatever was going on, we were in it together, and like fuck is he going to take that from me. at the beginning, it was mutual, i pushed it no more than he did, and i'm absolutely not going to feel like a fool for thinking what i thought, for knowing we could have been onto something good amazing.
my conclusion: things have changed, from his point of view. and whereas before i felt they could be changed back (why i was so keen to have the conversation), i now think it is irreparable. so i'm not in denial; i've accepted that change, and we can move on from this point. but we're not going to do it with me feeling like an idiot; we're going to do it by means of me giving up fighting for something indefinable that no longer exists. if he wants me to accept that it never did exist, however, he is, quite frankly, deluded. but whatever it was is not something i'm going to cling onto, and so it's ok.
the other stuff... with the castle coch/mel/friendship group thing, yes i am asking you (in the most taboo fashion) to throw me a frickin' bone. i know you won't, though. but it's ok, cos you're not gonna be around soon enough and i reckon things with kev and rob will be fine. i really do value the fledgling friendship thing i have going on with them, even if it didn't happen in the way that it did with you - i just think they're both fantastic. it does bug me intensely that you were the one person who was acting as an obstacle to that, again considering things that you have said before. it actually comes across as pretty selfish (i'm sorry, but it does...); while i accept and understand that you may not wish to spend a lot of time with me, and that i'm not someone you've known for a long time, the power to decide how much time i spend with the others has been put into your hands by the fact that getting to know each other in the way that we did means you know me better and i am 'your friend', not theirs (which obviously includes the assumption that you will actually want to see me more rather than less). if that hadn't happened, i kinda think i'd have been round at your flat to see rob and kev (and you) a lot more over the past few weeks, and i just can't believe that getting to know you backfired on me in that way.
of course this doesn't mean i won't miss you being around.
there was something else but i can't remember it. maybe i'll work it out and update later.
anyway. last night, pancakes then gagz's birthday - bloody awesome. late for work now though, so will update on it later, hopefully with photos if people are kind enough to put them up on the book.....