Heartburn
Pairing: onesided Changmin/Yoochun, Jeajoong/Yoochun
Genre: Angst, Romance
Rating: PG 13
Summary: Watching the one you love, love someone else hurts but you'd do anything for his happiness
for english_01 who told me to write something
Not Mine.
You trace your fingers, touching his face trying to memorize every single detail. His eyes closed in deep slumber, his lips slightly parted and breathing quietly, his cheeks flushed with color. You want to remember him like this- beside you, with you. You pray that the moment never ends but you know it will, it always will. You want to linger, want to pretend that the moment will last for eternity but that’s not really possible.
His only really yours when the other is away, when you promise to take care of him for the other. You know how vulnerable Yoochun can become without Jaejoong and in some twisted way you feast on that weakness. Whenever he’s gone you can pretend that he is yours and that you’re the one he loves.
But you know that you are only Changmin, the best friend and only the best friend. You think it’s unfair you knew him first, he was yours first, you knew him the best and yet he still went with Jaejoong. You try to rack your brain on where you went wrong and what he did that was right.
He is only yours when he’s like this, asleep on your shoulder when he comes over and you two watch a movie. He always falls asleep but you don’t mind, because it’s the only time you can be near him and feel him this close. Where you can look at him closely and pretend you are Jaejoong and maybe, just maybe he can love you like you love him.
You try to remember when it was only the two of you when there was no Jaejoong around. When you didn’t have to share him with anybody- it was perfect and you’d give away anything to have those moments back. You never thought you’d have to share him, you assumed that you two would always be together but clearly that was your were naïve. Things never turn out perfect but you wanted to be the exception, bad you weren’t.
They say that you don’t know what you had till it’s gone but you didn’t believe in that. You knew what you had but you never thought you’d lose it.
You never thought you’d lose Yoochun to Jaejoong. What hurts the most is that you saw it happening and yet you were there foolishly thinking that Yoochun would see you instead of him but it was the other way around.
Jaejoong came unexpectedly, no warning whatsoever. You don’t remember how but suddenly he was there with you and Yoochun, you welcomed the presence you didn’t really mind. Gradually though you noticed things changing, you saw the way Yoochun looked at him. You could read his eyes very well and what you saw was something you never saw before. You were positive however that it was more than just admiration. The way his eyes twinkled, the way he seemed happier when the other was around, there was just something you couldn’t place.
You tried to pretend it didn’t bother you but thinking about it you knew first that Yoochun was in love even before he knew himself. You notice, you always do as you were always watching him and you say day by day how his gaze turned from infatuation to love. You didn’t want to accept it at first you just tried to shrug it off. Maybe if you pretend that it wasn’t there it would go away.
It wasn’t until your usual movie get together you realized how serious it was. Yoochun seemed of and dazed and for once you couldn’t read him, he was there but not really. You ask him what’s wrong and he stares at you for a minute before answering.
“I love him” he tells you, he looks lost and sad and you didn’t know why. As much as your heart was breaking now because of the confession it was breaking more as you saw the sad look he had.
He tells you he’s scared, that he’s never felt like this, that he doesn’t know what to do and he looks like he’s about to cry. You know why he’s scared because it’s the same with you- it’s how you feel as well about him. You’re scared that if you tell him that he’d reject you, and you knew that was his fear as well.
You hold him and that’s all you could do for him, you reassure him that everything would be okay. As much as you’re comforting him you were trying to lie to yourself as well, you knew it wouldn’t ‘t be alright at least not for you.
The days pass and you see in his eyes the longing and a sadness that you could not place. As much as it hurt you to have him away from you it would hurt you more to see him in pain. You’d rather let him go just to see him happy.
You try talk to Jaejoong when Yoochun wasn’t around and he welcomes you. You didn’t know how to start and what to say. You decide that it would be better to be blunt you know it would hurt Yoochun if Jaejoong outward rejected him but it would be better instead of pining over someone you could never have. He never wanted Yoochun to feel the pain he was feeling, you wanted him happy.
“Yoochun, he. . . ” you start, looking at Jaejoong gauging his reaction. At the mention of the other’s name you see his eyes shift. You see something you never noticed before or probably never wanted to acknowledge. You see the same look on Jaejoong that Yoochun has- the adoration and love. Without saying anything more you understand, it was always there with him but you never wanted to admit it.
He looks at you, as if he was also reading your eyes, trying to decipher what you were thinking. You grip the cup of coffee tighter and close your eyes, the next words on your lips surprises you but you know you had to say it. You look at Jaejoong’s eyes and speak out something you both know already.
“You love him I can tell.”
“I do, I don’t remember when it started but I think it was always there.”
“Why didn’t you do anything? Why aren’t you doing anything? I know you’re not dense, you know how he feels about you.”
“I wanted to, believe me but there was always something holding me back, it didn’t feel right and I couldn’t do it.”
“Why?! He loves you and you love him-it’s that simple.”
Jaejoong stays silent after your outburst, you don’t understand why- how you’re getting mad at him for not doing anything though that was one thing you had wanted him to do all along. You wanted him to back off from what you’ve always thought was yours. But you know the reason why you’re really mad and it’s because you know that once Jaejoong confesses you’d lose Yoochun just like that. At the same time however you wanted nothing more than to see Yoochun happy and you were willing to sacrifice your own happiness for him.
“ I know you love him”
Those words surprise you, you look at Jaejoong your eyes wide. You don’t say anything but you don’t deny it.
“I didn’t want to lose what we have, you’re my friend Changmin-ah. I knew if I confessed it would set everything off balance. I value our friendship too much.”
You look at him and now you understand. What he said was true you knew what the outcome would be-everything would be different. It would never be the same. But you were willing, you were willing to step aside for him, you’d do everything and anything for him. You can’t deny the love they have for each other and you didn’t want to stand in the way. You were too selfish and you wanted Yoochun all to yourself never seeing that by doing so you were hindering his happiness.
You knew this would hurt but you never knew the gravity of the pain, how it would crush you and leave you gasping for air. You know what you have to do.
“Make him happy.”
With that you walk away, you walk away from Jaejoong and leave. You try to hold back the tears but you can’t. The pain was so raw and it was eating you alive but you think of Yoochun and how happy it would be and you think that this was worth it.
You go to school and join them as usual, nothing changes much and you were surprised yourself. You all eat together but you observe little things- how Jaejoong’s hand brushes over Yoochun’s. How Jaejoong would pay attention to the other more, how they seem to have their own world that sadly you weren’t part of anymore. Things begin to change and though everything seems the way it was, you knew it wasn’t.
Your fears come true when Yoochun comes to you, smiling- a smile so bright you swear it was the sun. You’ve never seen him this happy and you wish that smile was for you and that you could make him smile like that.
You hug him and tell him you’re happy for the both of them, you hold on so tight and wish he’d never let go. He tells you he’s never been happier and you can see it all too clearly. You feel the love radiating from him and you can’t deny the heartbreak because it wasn’t meant for you and will never be meant for you.
You accept the fact though it took you longer than expected. You’re thankful that Jaejoong doesn’t hinder you two from seeing each other and continuing on your traditions you both had. You know he’s too kind for you to have some alone time with Yoochun, letting him still be with you and still being the best friend even though he knows too well your real feelings. You’re thankful that he never steals Yoochun away from you and you can continue on with the friendship.
And just like one of those days where you think of what ifs and what could have beens he comes to you. You don’t hate him, how can you when he makes Yoochun so happy? As long as he was making Yoochun happy and loving him with his all you’d never be mad.
“Thank you for letting me love him.”
You look at him and though you can feel the tears forming in your eyes you smile.
Genre: Angst, Romance
Rating: PG 13
Summary: Watching the one you love, love someone else hurts but you'd do anything for his happiness
for english_01 who told me to write something
Not Mine.
You trace your fingers, touching his face trying to memorize every single detail. His eyes closed in deep slumber, his lips slightly parted and breathing quietly, his cheeks flushed with color. You want to remember him like this- beside you, with you. You pray that the moment never ends but you know it will, it always will. You want to linger, want to pretend that the moment will last for eternity but that’s not really possible.
His only really yours when the other is away, when you promise to take care of him for the other. You know how vulnerable Yoochun can become without Jaejoong and in some twisted way you feast on that weakness. Whenever he’s gone you can pretend that he is yours and that you’re the one he loves.
But you know that you are only Changmin, the best friend and only the best friend. You think it’s unfair you knew him first, he was yours first, you knew him the best and yet he still went with Jaejoong. You try to rack your brain on where you went wrong and what he did that was right.
He is only yours when he’s like this, asleep on your shoulder when he comes over and you two watch a movie. He always falls asleep but you don’t mind, because it’s the only time you can be near him and feel him this close. Where you can look at him closely and pretend you are Jaejoong and maybe, just maybe he can love you like you love him.
You try to remember when it was only the two of you when there was no Jaejoong around. When you didn’t have to share him with anybody- it was perfect and you’d give away anything to have those moments back. You never thought you’d have to share him, you assumed that you two would always be together but clearly that was your were naïve. Things never turn out perfect but you wanted to be the exception, bad you weren’t.
They say that you don’t know what you had till it’s gone but you didn’t believe in that. You knew what you had but you never thought you’d lose it.
You never thought you’d lose Yoochun to Jaejoong. What hurts the most is that you saw it happening and yet you were there foolishly thinking that Yoochun would see you instead of him but it was the other way around.
Jaejoong came unexpectedly, no warning whatsoever. You don’t remember how but suddenly he was there with you and Yoochun, you welcomed the presence you didn’t really mind. Gradually though you noticed things changing, you saw the way Yoochun looked at him. You could read his eyes very well and what you saw was something you never saw before. You were positive however that it was more than just admiration. The way his eyes twinkled, the way he seemed happier when the other was around, there was just something you couldn’t place.
You tried to pretend it didn’t bother you but thinking about it you knew first that Yoochun was in love even before he knew himself. You notice, you always do as you were always watching him and you say day by day how his gaze turned from infatuation to love. You didn’t want to accept it at first you just tried to shrug it off. Maybe if you pretend that it wasn’t there it would go away.
It wasn’t until your usual movie get together you realized how serious it was. Yoochun seemed of and dazed and for once you couldn’t read him, he was there but not really. You ask him what’s wrong and he stares at you for a minute before answering.
“I love him” he tells you, he looks lost and sad and you didn’t know why. As much as your heart was breaking now because of the confession it was breaking more as you saw the sad look he had.
He tells you he’s scared, that he’s never felt like this, that he doesn’t know what to do and he looks like he’s about to cry. You know why he’s scared because it’s the same with you- it’s how you feel as well about him. You’re scared that if you tell him that he’d reject you, and you knew that was his fear as well.
You hold him and that’s all you could do for him, you reassure him that everything would be okay. As much as you’re comforting him you were trying to lie to yourself as well, you knew it wouldn’t ‘t be alright at least not for you.
The days pass and you see in his eyes the longing and a sadness that you could not place. As much as it hurt you to have him away from you it would hurt you more to see him in pain. You’d rather let him go just to see him happy.
You try talk to Jaejoong when Yoochun wasn’t around and he welcomes you. You didn’t know how to start and what to say. You decide that it would be better to be blunt you know it would hurt Yoochun if Jaejoong outward rejected him but it would be better instead of pining over someone you could never have. He never wanted Yoochun to feel the pain he was feeling, you wanted him happy.
“Yoochun, he. . . ” you start, looking at Jaejoong gauging his reaction. At the mention of the other’s name you see his eyes shift. You see something you never noticed before or probably never wanted to acknowledge. You see the same look on Jaejoong that Yoochun has- the adoration and love. Without saying anything more you understand, it was always there with him but you never wanted to admit it.
He looks at you, as if he was also reading your eyes, trying to decipher what you were thinking. You grip the cup of coffee tighter and close your eyes, the next words on your lips surprises you but you know you had to say it. You look at Jaejoong’s eyes and speak out something you both know already.
“You love him I can tell.”
“I do, I don’t remember when it started but I think it was always there.”
“Why didn’t you do anything? Why aren’t you doing anything? I know you’re not dense, you know how he feels about you.”
“I wanted to, believe me but there was always something holding me back, it didn’t feel right and I couldn’t do it.”
“Why?! He loves you and you love him-it’s that simple.”
Jaejoong stays silent after your outburst, you don’t understand why- how you’re getting mad at him for not doing anything though that was one thing you had wanted him to do all along. You wanted him to back off from what you’ve always thought was yours. But you know the reason why you’re really mad and it’s because you know that once Jaejoong confesses you’d lose Yoochun just like that. At the same time however you wanted nothing more than to see Yoochun happy and you were willing to sacrifice your own happiness for him.
“ I know you love him”
Those words surprise you, you look at Jaejoong your eyes wide. You don’t say anything but you don’t deny it.
“I didn’t want to lose what we have, you’re my friend Changmin-ah. I knew if I confessed it would set everything off balance. I value our friendship too much.”
You look at him and now you understand. What he said was true you knew what the outcome would be-everything would be different. It would never be the same. But you were willing, you were willing to step aside for him, you’d do everything and anything for him. You can’t deny the love they have for each other and you didn’t want to stand in the way. You were too selfish and you wanted Yoochun all to yourself never seeing that by doing so you were hindering his happiness.
You knew this would hurt but you never knew the gravity of the pain, how it would crush you and leave you gasping for air. You know what you have to do.
“Make him happy.”
With that you walk away, you walk away from Jaejoong and leave. You try to hold back the tears but you can’t. The pain was so raw and it was eating you alive but you think of Yoochun and how happy it would be and you think that this was worth it.
You go to school and join them as usual, nothing changes much and you were surprised yourself. You all eat together but you observe little things- how Jaejoong’s hand brushes over Yoochun’s. How Jaejoong would pay attention to the other more, how they seem to have their own world that sadly you weren’t part of anymore. Things begin to change and though everything seems the way it was, you knew it wasn’t.
Your fears come true when Yoochun comes to you, smiling- a smile so bright you swear it was the sun. You’ve never seen him this happy and you wish that smile was for you and that you could make him smile like that.
You hug him and tell him you’re happy for the both of them, you hold on so tight and wish he’d never let go. He tells you he’s never been happier and you can see it all too clearly. You feel the love radiating from him and you can’t deny the heartbreak because it wasn’t meant for you and will never be meant for you.
You accept the fact though it took you longer than expected. You’re thankful that Jaejoong doesn’t hinder you two from seeing each other and continuing on your traditions you both had. You know he’s too kind for you to have some alone time with Yoochun, letting him still be with you and still being the best friend even though he knows too well your real feelings. You’re thankful that he never steals Yoochun away from you and you can continue on with the friendship.
And just like one of those days where you think of what ifs and what could have beens he comes to you. You don’t hate him, how can you when he makes Yoochun so happy? As long as he was making Yoochun happy and loving him with his all you’d never be mad.
“Thank you for letting me love him.”
You look at him and though you can feel the tears forming in your eyes you smile.