im feeling so nauseous as of late
my ducks are some what in a row, and i have plans, they are almost fool proof. i plan to head over to phoenix and then tucson, just to see and maybe play some music. im getting nervous but i think i made the right choice. ive seen ross here and there and any hope of us being more than friends has flown out the window or carelessly been flushed into a giant toilet with shit crusted insides. crude, lewd and rude. is my novel i will write, however im sure its already been used. no dating sites, no blind dates, no chemistry at the bar. no old lovers returned to me from tide, or wind. loneliness has engulfed my youth and i cant stand to drink in another word from the great poets of devastation. any time i feel i have moved forward, mentally i pedal backwards. i know not of where this negative pattern come from but jesus i wish it would end, this disruptive cycle of insecurity. who am i anymore? giving up all that i work for, and playing these head games, with randoms as my pawns, step by step placing them against each other, all to play god and be amused at their naive and despicable disposition towards life, too easy. how can it be so enjoyable to destroy the lives of others just to fill the boredom of my own empty soul. striving to be decent, i took another sip to boost my ego and continue the game of cat and mouse. i walked to the mirror to look myself in the face, thoughts of retreat and inspiring words to myself to pull out from my own games against the innocent and dumb pawns. i was sure i would listen, but i was disgusted at the way they interacted, i had to step in, and like usual i succeeded, and i knew that is when they caught on, shameless i had my trophy of the night, and the loser rambled on drunk in the middle of the night. since when did i become so bad, and hateful towards my brothers and sisters, refusing to respect their boundaries, the good in me fought my mal-intent and had lost, but not only did rightness lose but i had too. i had shown ugly and found no solace in such actions. my social interactions a mere experiment. would i even take another relationship seriously. i make myself sick and wish i could change my behavior, and i at times do. but strangers remain strange and i could care less for them, sinning often, coveting and stealing often from the unworthy. im a monster. at times. and yet i play the lamb to the wolf always, i needed to write. to get this out. throw me back into the game, so that i can stay out of my mind.