sometimes
being a woman fucking sucks. i should feel on top of the world right now. due to hiking so fucking hard yesterday. but no. my rag came to make me feel even more like shit. i dont even want to get up. and ross, is done. i hope i dont see him on weds. and even if i do, ill be nice but there is just no way im going to even try to communicate with him. i deleted his number, and fuck. i feel like a gargantuan fucking pig. so bloated, ugh. and the pimples on my face!!! arrrgh. i just want to not feel like everyone elses life isnt as good as they make it seem. because it seems like everyone else is blossoming into themselves and i cant find content in even the one thing ive chosen to follow. mt music.
i feel unimportant, and living with love birds is driving me crazy. i need to get back on the road soon, or im going to go crazy, just stagnating here. feeling envious of a close relationship which has been cultivated for years. i know that i am incapable of holding onto such love and beauty but even they have a dark side, and it is left to themselves and inner quarrels. i long to be fixed at someones side, although he does not exist and even my dreams now escape me. i feel as though its not a complete hopeless mess. that if i truly want it inside it will happen for me.
i just seem to go back and second guess myself, altogether to often.
arizona has been lovely, and it feels like a fun and happy family being here, but although i feel im over staying my welcome, zasha dosent seem to think so yet. i am out of money, and now im out of health. my wisdom is torture, and my energy levels have been sucked dry by this burden of bearing breasts and a womans reproductive system.
yeah. im horribly bitter today, lonely, nothing of my own. its all a doing i have done to myself, im fucked up but not horribly fucked up to completely indulge in behaviors of drug addiction, and prostitution. im bad, but not rotten. with no great talents of my own, and no focus to guide them into growing. im failing horribly at my own existence, and experiencing nothing new.
i need to find a man to love now.
so that he can help guide me through my travels.
im wiling to sleep on the street, under bridges, on roofs... in parks hidden away from the public so that i might not be arrested.
but how beautiful to share that freedom and hardship with a loyal lover?
i feel unimportant, and living with love birds is driving me crazy. i need to get back on the road soon, or im going to go crazy, just stagnating here. feeling envious of a close relationship which has been cultivated for years. i know that i am incapable of holding onto such love and beauty but even they have a dark side, and it is left to themselves and inner quarrels. i long to be fixed at someones side, although he does not exist and even my dreams now escape me. i feel as though its not a complete hopeless mess. that if i truly want it inside it will happen for me.
i just seem to go back and second guess myself, altogether to often.
arizona has been lovely, and it feels like a fun and happy family being here, but although i feel im over staying my welcome, zasha dosent seem to think so yet. i am out of money, and now im out of health. my wisdom is torture, and my energy levels have been sucked dry by this burden of bearing breasts and a womans reproductive system.
yeah. im horribly bitter today, lonely, nothing of my own. its all a doing i have done to myself, im fucked up but not horribly fucked up to completely indulge in behaviors of drug addiction, and prostitution. im bad, but not rotten. with no great talents of my own, and no focus to guide them into growing. im failing horribly at my own existence, and experiencing nothing new.
i need to find a man to love now.
so that he can help guide me through my travels.
im wiling to sleep on the street, under bridges, on roofs... in parks hidden away from the public so that i might not be arrested.
but how beautiful to share that freedom and hardship with a loyal lover?