The last blog.
It’s hard to figure out what to do with a bunch of rocks. I mean, you could keep them and let them gather dust on a shelf- a mere shadow of the memories they represent, or you could collect more and make something from it- keeping the meaning and memories in a more solid form that you can pass down being something with story. But, what I did…well….very much nothing at all, and yet everything worth a meaning to me.
I’m typing this before I leave, because it doesn’t feel right to post my last blog after I leave. It’s almost too much closure and in a way I don’t want to know the final ending scene while I type this. I want this, like all the other blogs, to be in the moment. I want this blog to be a part of the story so that it can keep it too. Right, so here is how it goes; I say some mushy, sentimental, and overly cheesy stuff and then I do individual shout outs, and then I say some more tear jerking stuff and then cry myself to sleep. Yup that’s the plan at least. Stick with me friends….this is going to be a long one.
But First…a video.
((in case that doesn't work- here is a link))
[AND BECAUSE MY VIDEO EDITING SOFTWARE SUCKS- the song I wanted to add can’t be added so I’ve decided to link it and recommend people listen to it as they read. Yup. So here be the link--- Bryan Adams: I Will Always Return (Finale) ]
Please Watch the video first and then listen to the song- if only for the sake of keeping my cheesy idea of 'feel' for the piece. Plllleeeeaaaseee?!
Forgive the video quality- if youtube hasn’t banned it yet. Had to switch to megavideo since the video is a good 20 minutes. Please make sure you haven’t watched 70 minutes of video before seeing this. Like I said, it’s a good 20 minutes. I hope you enjoyed the video, because I did making it. Cried myself to sleep a couple of times after working on it, but hey- that was the point. There were a lot of photos that didn’t make it in, either because they were waaaay too blurry or because I didn’t own them. Many of my best memories don’t have photos- and in a way that is how it should be. There are people I wish I had more photos of to put in, and some well…some I captured all too well. Again, thanks for watching. I just wish I had more photos of us as an entire group.
So….
Last blog….here it finally is…too soon. Yup definitely too soon. It’s all been one crazy, amazingly messed up dream, and-
Ugh! I’m just so gutted! How to go on?! WHY THE BLEEDING HELL DID I STUDY ABROAD IN THE FIRST PLACE?! Mark my words I will come back! Mark them! I honestly can’t fathom being away from his place too long, it’s become home to me. To a huge part of me, and who I am, this place is permanent. I remember the first night I arrived here, the car ride and the way the landscape resembled a black sea with only the occasional flickering lights. There was the moment I stepped into the tiny room that would be my bedroom, and how odd it felt. How very odd. I remember pulling back the curtains and looking into the rolling sea with flickering lights and thinking- ‘what will it look like in the morning?’. I almost stayed up, because I was so excited to see what was out there. I was so very excited. Who was out there, what could I discover, where could I go, when will the sun freaking rise, how will I ever be able to leave…
To go from a place where the world seems to face only the future and live in the bright shining new to a place mystery and ancient whispers peak through the creations of the new generation. A world combined with everything I knew….and everything I wanted. Maybe now I will finally be able to start writing that stupid book I’ve had in my head for years, this place did not fail in giving me the inspiration I was looking for. Every piece of me is screaming at me to stop, to dig my nails into the earth so hard that they break- if only so I could stay. I have never felt peace in myself as much as I have here. But I guess that going home only makes this place that much more special. Things in rarity are made more valuable because they cannot be taken for granted. It felt like it’s only been a week…it felt like I only got to ‘live’ for a short time. In a way, it's like staring into the most perfect summer day; The sun and it's soft, warm, rays dancing delicately upon the perfect moments as friends pass the ball while others fly a kite and the rest sit on the picnic blanket taking silly photos and joking about the previous nights television show. Getting to go in and experience it all to the fullest. Forgetting the window you had once stood behind watching the scene and wishing, because your wish has come true- every last bit of it.....and then they tell you, soon you have to leave. Panic sets in; have you done everything you wanted to do, did you get all the souvenirs you promised everyone, I don’t want to go home, have you kept the room clean so you get your money back, have you tried re packing to see if you could fit everything, did you make plans with friends at home so you don’t sit around like a lethargic slug your first week back, I don’t want to go home, have you checked your grades, made sure you are still focusing on the class till the end, I don’t want to go home, did you get all the partying in to satisfy you for a year, I don’t want to go home, did you take all the pictures you wanted, did you make sure you had that Italian night, maybe that curry night, i don’t want to go home, did you tell everyone thanks for making it the most memorable experience of your life, I don’t want to go home, did you tell them all how much they mean to you, did you get closure, did you fix your problems, have you spoken to them one last time, and have you taken any of them aside..., I don’t want to go home, and told them how much you will miss them, I don’t want to go home, have you said it.....I don’t want to go home...said good bye....can you? I don’t want to go home.
Caroline Beasley: Honestly, you NEED to come visit next spring. Please, I am on my hands and knees begging you. Please, begging. I remember the moment we met, and the way you made it easy to feel at home around you. The Anne Summers party and staying up extremely late talking about our plans for London. Plans that came true. HOW OFTEN do plans ACTUALLY come true? I swear, you get on study abroad because it appeals as one giant vacation with a couple classes in between. I never fathomed I would find friends no- family here. People who I can be myself around and not feel guilty or used or unwanted with. A person who appreciated me as a person and wanted to be my friend and so quickly, without me ever having to prove myself. Just promise me you will skype me all the time. If you ever need anything, I will fly back in a heartbeat. You have done so much for me, and I am at a loss at finding ways to repay your kindness and generosity. I’ve been scared to move on in my life, to grow any older and yet you’ve made getting older look fun and stress free. You are a strong and assertive girl with the warmest and most welcoming heart. It’s like, when I’m around you, I’m constantly happy and I can’t even think about anything bad- because you are just so bright and optimistic. All those movie nights, all the dinners, the random nights out and the photo shoots, all of London, all of this trip- I owe so much of it to you. Even now, I don’t know what to say. You, moving to Cardiff- geez…I just want to move in with you and start working. You give me hope and a new found determination to achieve my goals. It’s probably because you are achieving your goals every day, at least you make it seem so. Your passion for the arts and theater is undaunted and unparalleled. It is a great inspiration to everyone around you and everyone who is around you looks up to you. I know I do. Forever, keep going strong. You will make it and I will be cheering for you every step of the way. I’ll give it my best shot too. Cheesy as it may be, I have a song I want you to find and listen to. - Brothers under the Sun (Bryan Adams). Just change the brothers to sisters and I think it’s a perfect song. Caroline, I will miss you with all my heart. In the end, I gained a big sister, one who I wouldn’t trade for the world.
Ollie Edwards: Where to begin? Maybe with the fact I should probably NOT be typing this on a public blog- but that’s blog right? Besides I want this to be public, because everything I have to say to you…well I’m sure the rest of the world knows about it already anyway. Besides, I will never know if you read this anyway, and sending a message does a load of good- not. You know me, queen of mello drama. Besides, my blog, my rules, and my embarrassment. I might as well take this needy, over attentive little girl thing the whole way. You said to drop it. So I will do my best to do so because you asked me to. You are charming and witty and even better is that you are perceptive. You know how to wear arrogance and more importantly when to take it off and you have mastered the art of aloof humor. But even beneath that, you are a wealth of kindness, devotion, commitment, and perseverance. I just remember, the moment I met you- my instant thought was ‘Wow, he’s hot. But probably an arrogant dick.’ (excuse my French) And at first I was determined to think that, because what guy can ever act that cool and NOT be self involved? But you proved me wrong, and that stunned me. Well anyway, you know how I feel- I’ve made it clear, at least I hope I have, and I’m pretty sure you’ve made it clear how you feel. God gave me what I wanted most from this trip and I had thrown it away, and I will regret it for the rest of my life. I will seriously envy the girl who gets you in the end. But I must thank you, because you made me stronger. If I owe this trip to anyone, in helping me grow as a person, it is you. You helped shape me, and because of that I will never let you go. You have the talent and confidence to take yourself far in life. I pray that you get everything you dreamed of, that voice acting gig you wanted, all the pro wrestling tickets you dream for. You deserve them, and I have no doubt in my mind that the world can expect great things of you. You have what it takes to break out, and you will realize it one day. I have faith in you and know that you will always have a friend and fan in me. Should you ever need me, I WILL be there, all you have to do is ask. And should you ever come to California, for the love of god, if I find out you avoid me and pay for an expensive hotel I will hunt your ass down, Oliver. Anyway, I guess this is farewell…I do hope one day to see you again. I’ll miss you too much. Break a leg, stranger.
Alberie Hansen: Oh god. You have no idea…how hard it is to type this. I could NOT have asked for a better person to have studied abroad with. I guess, it shouldn’t really be this hard, since we will be able to see each other when we return home. God knows we plan to sob our hearts out together in the back seat on the ride to the air port. I’ll probably cry even more when you board your plane back first and I’m left alone in the terminal for 6 hours awaiting the flight I dread the most. I just don’t know what to say. First wales and what I like to think is us as the three musketeers. Jeffery starring as Porthos, the fun loving and overly optimistic joker of the gang, You as Athos- the mysterious one, and myself as Aramis or the one who is bound by every good moral and law of pride to keep Jeffery at bay. It’s sad now that one of us is already gone and soon the next two will split up. It’s a been a series of adventures in a world we took on together with heads held high and hearts open for opportunity. Even now the ‘meeting point’ holds nothing but golden memories for me. It was the beginning of a story for three excited teenagers. Now, as the pages come to a close, it is the ending memoirs of three adults. But there simply must be a sequel. We have a homeland to conquer as well, not just for ourselves but for everyone over here who has shaped us without even trying. It simply can’t be the end to our hilarious Disney nights, supernatural marathons, and various nights ranting and raving about guy problems which in the end would ultimately lead to how much we would miss this place, it’s people, and it’s adventure and in the end how very stupid emotions were because now we were both sobbing. Again, I restate, there must be a sequel. I can’t thank you enough for listening to me every day rant about myself and for always being there when I needed someone desperately. You’ve been strong and friendly for me and never have you turned me away. Your gentle kindness and bright sense of wonder for the world around you is amazing and I will always choose you as the person I can count on to go dancing in the rain with. I know when I listen to ‘eye of the tiger’ I will forever be reminded of you and just how grateful I am that it was you who was by my side for this entire trip, and how much you now mean to me as a friend. So throw the thin mint cookie and shout that you’re done, but let me ask…are we really?
Cat Evans: We are getting married, you are ripping up my passport and I am staying here forever. I have never met a person that I hit it off so quickly with before you. Our first night and ‘sex on the beach’- geez we moved fast haha. Then after, you always came up and danced with us, had fun with us. It was like you had always been a part of the group. I will never forget you and Jeffery and all the fun you guys picked at each other. You took my job when I needed a break. You are the most amazing and beautiful person, not because of your looks (although they are gorgeous as well), but because of your heart. If Disney princesses were real, they would act like you. You seriously remind me of a princess. Whimsical and gentle, but with the kindest and biggest heart that just bleeds for everyone without any expectation of anything in return. I wish I could return everything you have given me on this trip. I couldn’t have asked for a better singing partner. I’m just glad we stayed friends the whole time, and you did things for me which no one else would have ever done. You made the effort, you did the work- you picked up my pieces when I refused to do so. You are the ear I can always count on to listen and likewise I will always be the ear for you. It was like having a twin of myself and definitely you are a sister I can never let go. I’ll be shattered to not have you within a short reach of me. I already miss you, and I’m not even gone yet. Cat, keep up your courage and unyielding kindness. Always keep your chin up, and when you don’t feel beautiful physically, you show your spirit with a confidence and regality of a queen because your spirit can never ever look ugly. Never let go of yourself and never be afraid to cry. That in and of itself is strength. Let your conscience be your guide and always follow the star in your heart. All the pain you feel only makes you stronger, and with the amount of things you are going through and surviving each and every moment- you will be a mountain of the most majestic kind.
Amy Griggs: Oh boy. More paragraphs that I just don’t know where to begin with. Castles, photographs, wrestling, laughter, pancakes (crepes), hair, etc….just…. 90% of my memories here have you in them. In case you didn’t notice the video, you practically filled it like Caroline. You are just so enlightening and mature. You have been the biggest help when I needed someone to help me sort myself out and you have always been inviting and sisterly to me. You know, honestly, I got along better with Jess at first- and then getting to Trinity, ugh. I just don’t want to leave, especially back to a Fullerton without you. I wish so much that I could have gone to Disneyland just once with you guys. You have been such a friend to me and I am not ashamed to call you family in a way. I will always remember the first weekend at Trinity and your car rolling by. It was weird to see you here when I knew you there. It brings tears to my eyes that now I will be returning there and there will be no Amy Griggs there. I just don’t know what to say. My utmost gratitude to you for willingly taking me under your wing and always being the ear willing to listen and the voice to echo wisdom and patience. I couldn’t have survived this trip without you. I look up to you soooooo much. I will miss you even more.
Andy Gregory: Dude. Just- thanks. You’ve been a great pal to hang with and always a healthy dose of ‘guy’ time. I’m gunna miss Fullerton without you. I know Bill already does haha. Your hard work and general calm perception of your tasks always made me jealous. You’ve impressed me and made me want to work harder at what I do. That is what I have to thank you most for. But also for making me feel so welcome not only here at Trinity but even at Fullerton- which is a little backwards. The bonfire was probably one of the funnest nights of my life. I had an absolute blast. I also now know what you felt when you were leaving California. It just sucks….You have to come back to California, and like wise I’ll definitely be back in Wales. See you in the industry, I’ll need myself a proper techie if I ever hope to make a decent piece of work. Keep up the amazing work, and keep showing it off. You’re good at polite bragging haha.
Jeffery Han: Hello Porthos. That’s what I’m calling you, aside from Macbeth. Macbeth and Banquo. Porthos and Aramis. I just remember the moment I was in the airport hugging my mother goodbye and on the verge of tears, and you came up calling my name in that goofy manner you always did there after. It was the first time I heard it, but I was instantly smiling. You always had the power to make me instantly smile. You also willingly took my jabs and jibes and turned them into pleasant comedy and a time for a good laugh. You really embodied optimism to the fullest and I think everyone had something to learn from you in the way of taking everything in stride. I have missed you this last month, more then I could fathom I would. I was sad we couldn’t sit in the air port the same as we had when we left- chatting about plots and plans we had for our time. We made an awesome team and I can’t wait to go back to Fullerton and see you again. It was just blast. Alberie and I will drag you to Disneyland- we’ve already made that plan. But there is a different note, thank you for always working to keep me happy and smiling. I will never forget our chat in front of Carmarthen Castle eating subway on a bench and spilling every ounce of our feelings. Then again with Alberie and joking about kebabs of malice and more schemes that would makes us laugh again. All the times you acted like the fool because you just didn’t care, and how much it inspired everyone. Everyone loved you, and I know I am no exception. You have been a phenomenal friend and a large part of this trip would not have been the same without you. Thank you, and hopefully- see you soon.
Mrs. Beasley & Mr. Beasley: Thanks so much for being so welcoming and allowing us to stay at your house. It has meant the word to me. You made us feel right at home, and you taught us so much in such a short amount of time like; how to keep the bubbly, what an authentic English tea party is, what it means to have some fun, how to keep a conversation going, how to make sandwiches, and much more. You also taught us that it is okay to cry in front of others. In a short time I grew to find you both as a third set of parents for myself, and I cherish you as if you were my flesh and blood. You’ve made my experience over Easter break unforgettable and undeniably fantastic. The world of thanks to you and your strong, warm wisdom that could make even a stranger feel right at home.
Emma Hixon: Thanks for always keeping your cool around me and always being kind enough to chat with us. I will miss having you in classes back in Fullerton. It was way too fun. I’m glad we were able to spend time together and thanks so much for visiting us in London. It was a blast to have you around.
Jess Batty: You girl, are crazy. Please don’t ever change it though. It makes you the most amazingly bold person, and I heard someone say that there was not a mean bone in your body, and I agree with them. There really isn’t. You have always been super encouraging and always willing to have a good time. I can’t thank you enough for all the good times we have had. Thanks so much for everything, really.
Ida Vethe: You are such a strong and amazing person and I really appreciate the time I was able to spend with you. Thanks for always hanging around and putting up with us. It meant so much. I will always admire and remember your spirit. But more than that is your good humor. Never change, and good luck to you.
Becky Hadley: We never did get to do our Italian night and to be honest I’m a bit bumming about it. But I am really glad we met. You’re a really strong person and I really appreciate your help and patience throughout the show. Thanks for always being welcoming at the union and bar as well. It means a lot to me. Keep going strong and break a leg with whatever your plans may be.
BethAnne: I am appalled we didn’t hang out more. You’re a complete ball of fun. I really enjoyed the time we spent in Cardiff that day and all the tunes we sung in the car. The memory wouldn’t be complete without you and the entire trip was just made more by your presence. Thanks so much.
Nikki Brookes: You know when I first met you I was intimidated by you. My best friend back home is very motherly, and yet- I didn’t get that from you until ‘Oh What a Lovely War’. Not that you were motherly, but that you were always concerned with how we were doing and what was going on with us. It made me feel right at home, and It was always nice to know you would listen to my random conversation topics. You are strong and warm and you are the voice of reason to many. I have grown to look up to you greatly, and to top it off, your singing voice is amazing. Live, laugh, and love- you deserve it. And thank you.
Tom Monty: You’re coming to live with us, so I’m not writing this horribly depressing paragraph to you. I just can’t do it. No, seriously though, you have been such a picker upper for me. Thanks for listening to me rant about guys and always being the one willing to hang, take photos, or even dye hair. Your hugs have always comforted me and your aloof coolness for things has kept me calm. I really think you embody the saying ‘Keep calm and Carry on’. Photo shoots will never be the same without you. Please come to California. Aly and I would simply adore having you there. You’ve been a great friend and a real priceless piece to this trip. There are no words for how much I will miss you. Keep your confidence and ‘strut’, it makes you the fabulous Monty. Most of all, never lose your faith in love. It’s kept me believing.
Simon Mullins: Thanks for all the hugs and talks. Really, you have always been willing to give me a guy hug when I needed one. And all the chats were extremely helpful. I can’t thank you enough for being supportive and friendly to me and I think of you almost as a brother. Hopefully my brother can one day be as kind and charismatic as you. Go out and conquer, Simon- and don’t forget to lock your door.
Mathew Crewe: I keep starting all of these with the word ‘thanks’ but really I just keep thanking everyone. So guess what I’m going to do with you? Thank you, for all the times you pushed me and all the chats we had. I really appreciated all the compliments you gave me and all the times you bought me drinks. I really do owe you one.
Nia : I will always remember your hair mustache that day in Lamperter. You are simply hilarious and just too much fun to be around. I am ashamed we didn’t hang out more. Thanks for all the enthusiasm and welcome you showed us and keep up the high spirits. They lift up everyone around you.
Tom Owen: Oh what a lovely war would not have been the show it was for me without your constant stream of jokes and insight. I will also always remember how shocked I was when you came up to me and asked me about comic con. I pray one day you get to go- you’d have a blast. Keep up the smiles and good humor, it has always been a help to me. More importantly, thank you, for always asking me how I was doing and always taking the time to stop and chat. It has been a blast.
Lou: Your wacky creativity inspires me and impresses me. They weren’t kidding when they said you were not what you appeared. It only makes me happier that there are more people out in the world like that, and you rise above them all. Thanks for letting me take photos for you, and thanks for always being so nice. I know I say it to everyone, the nice thing and all, but I really mean it.
Ralph: I’m just going to miss you. We definitely need more people like you back in Fullerton. Thanks for showing me your drawings and letting me be a nerd around you. Your artwork is really good and as long as you get rid of the spider I am always willing to come hang out to see them haha. You’ve inspired me to maybe try out dungeons and dragons- should I ever get better at gaming. Thanks so much for your support and humor. It helped me through a lot.
Sarah: I have you to thank for always making sure we get out of our caves and hang. You also have always made sure we had a dance partner at the union. Honestly, you have a strong and good temperament that makes you easy to be around. I will definitely miss having you around all the time to keep us laughing. Thanks for taking me to Llansteffan and also dragging us to Jacksons. Partying with you has never been a dull moment.
Stacey: Also, thank you for taking us to Llansteffan and putting up with my photography. Thanks for also always trying to include us and always following along with us in Shakespeare. Your smile was always very pretty and uplifting. Your facial expressions are also extremely fun to watch. Thanks for your support in my blog writing and commenting well on it. It gave me confidence to keep writing it.
Fran: Girl…thank you, just,- thank you. You have always been helpful and giving about everything and you have always been willing to hang or chat. It’s been a blast and I’ll never forget Jacksons. Thank you, so very much.
Kelly: Thanks for always being so kind and caring about us. You are an amazing person to hang around and your generosity is refreashing. Be strong and keep up that big heart of yours. It always lit up my day.
Shane: What can I say? Really, you’ve made every night out a blast. Honestly I cant thank you enough for always being willing to hang out with us and joke around with us. It made us all feel right at home. I wish you best of luck with your goals, whatever they are. You where really fun to be around and I’ll never forget it.
Andrew: Dude, best of luck to you with Michael Dyer and the Shakespeare thing. You made my time here hilarious and your humor was always a breath of fresh air. I’m a bit sad I couldn’t say good bye to you before you left, but I’m excited for you and I will definitely miss you and your jokes. It was always a blast to argue with you. Thanks for keeping it cool.
Becky: I know I can always count on you for a good dance partner. Thank you so much for being so welcoming to us, and always enthusiastic when we arrived. It helped out confidence greatly, and we always had a friend to turn to. Thanks so very much for everything and keep it up.
Karl: Thanks for always being there to give hugs and smiles. It was really up lifting. Also, thanks for always dancing with us at the union. I really appreciate your kindness and the personal talks helped quite a bit too. I will really miss you, and your accent which I always found to put a grin on my face. Keep smiling and keep being yourself. I could always count on you for a good laugh.
Hannah B: You’re sitting right next to me when I type this, and I find that semi-hilarious. Working with you has been a blast, and you remind me of my friends back home, which has helped to get me confident in my return journey. It’s been a bit of fresh air around you as well. I can’t thank you enough for being enthusiastic about my ideas in our absurd piece and always being the one willing to try. Our walk to Tescos and back was lovely and I greatly appreciate it. It’s one of those memories I wish I had photos of. I know I will probably think of you when I cook brownies from here on out.
April: Being in the absurd group with you was so much fun. Your relaxed and gentle nature was very calming and you always kept us on track when we deviated from the subject. Likewise, your acceptance of us internationals was amazing, and I thank you for it. Break a leg in your future endeavors and continue to have confidence in where you are going. You can make it.
To the Rest of the Second Years: You guys absolutely rock. I owe every single one of you credit for helping me to break out of my shell and try new things. I also owe it to every single one of you to being open and supportive as well as a bit stubborn in keeping me from being a cave bat. Your motivation and excitement at working together and trying new things is also quite admirable. It is with a heavy heart that I must leave you, and all the fun, exuberant, moments that you provided. You all have a habit of looking at life optimistically, and turning it into one giant adventure- and I wish so badly to have been able to continue it with you.
To the Rest of the Third Years: Your enthusiasm and willingness to accept us was beyond astounding. Likewise, your perseverance and motivation for your art is beyond inspiring. I give a round of applause to all of your great work and love, and my deepest gratitude for your open and kind attitudes towards us. You made this semester one of the best, if not the best, I’ve ever had. I will never forget any of you and you all deserve a personal shout out and it is most unfortunate that I have a word cap keeping me from doing so. (Also a time limit as I have procrastinated on this for too long). But know that as you graduate and go on, you are all a family and as a family you have worked together to make your way, and because you have stayed as a family…through all the hardships and drama- you all have what it takes to be successful. I hope that you all stay in touch with each other, and continue to make memories. It was so fun to watch you, and for however short of a time, be a part of it with you.
To the Halliwell Ladies: Thank you for always laughing at my jokes, and odd sense of humor- and also thank you for laughing and smiling kindly when I commented delightfully on the food. Your food was amazing and your service was comforting. Again, thank you.
To Caroline (Warden of Non): Best Warden ever. You solved the problem with fridge food stealing and I am seriously impressed. You kicked butt this year. Thanks for making my stay comfortable and enjoyable.
One things I’ve learned, is the power of the word ‘yes’. We say ‘no’ all the damn time, and people begin to understand the feeling of rejection, restraint, longing, defiance, etc. But for some odd reason, ‘yes’ is a much more…under spoken word. We replace it with ‘you betcha’ or ‘yah’ or ‘sure’. But the word ‘yes’ itself, for me has always meant commitment. I’m always slightly happier to hear the full word, ‘yes’. When I ask something and someone takes the time to reply ‘yes’- it just seems so much more of the word. It was a word I was determined to use more often when I came here. At times I regret it, others- I was all too happy I did, but most important was that I could never bring myself to want to have changed it. And I now realize, this makes absolutely no sense. None. Sorry about that…I’m wasting word count words on babbling.
There’s a lingering question I keep asking myself....who was I when I left, and will I ever be that person again? It feels oddly like I'm playing the parent trap game, switching places into another persons life.
I’ll have to manage somehow. Because I am finding myself at the end of the semester, and slightly less sad- the end of the blog. Don’t worry, there will be a p.s. blog which will have the full overview and evaluation for the whole semester trip, if anyone still cares enough to read it. Hopefully, since it will probably end up being the essay I need to turn in to get credit for this overly expensive vacation. Then again, probably not.
I am on my way home with one thing really in mind. As I now (since this blog was typed over the span of three weeks) sit in the union waiting for open mic night (and my last night probably seeing this bar)- I keep finding myself trying to block out the fact that in 48 hours I will be sitting on a plane. Probably in the same position I found myself sitting on the plane on the way over here- crying and watching films while I attempt sleeping. Except that time I was crying because I was worried about leaving home for the first time for an extended amount of time, and with no way to get home should I need it’s comfort. This time it will because I don’t want to return to that same home I found so much comfort in. Not if it means leaving all these amazing people. Beyond that, I find myself also considering what type of person I will be when I return, and what type of people my friends will be. No doubt five months has changed them as well. Alberie and I kept discussing that flaws of the Study Abroad program. Aside from all the disorganization, the main point we found was that while they give you workshops to help you learn how to integrate into a different culture and other such things, they never once give you any sort of advice on how to integrate back into home culture. Maybe that is why I feel so lost and unsure about what is around the corner. Not even a clue. ---aside from the obvious clue of summer school and then straight into school. I just wish I could pack you all into a bag with me. Really.
Wow, I just feel so weird writing all that cheesy feeling, but it’s honestly how I am feeling. Just a whole bunch of unsure, and insecure. I mean, I’ve been trying to cry for three weeks to get out some pent up frustration and anxiety without any form of success what so ever. I’ve been reenacting scenes from ‘The Holiday’ because of it. I’m so mad at the idea that I can’t cry right now, one because it causes my emotions to push harder at the already cracked glass and two, because I know the moment I find the trigger- which will probably be tomorrow when I’m saying goodbye to everyone- I will be bawling uncontrollably. Embarrassing, and I would much rather leave with a smile.
This entire trip has been full of memories and great adventures, all shoved into four modules in five months with a whole bunch of new friends and family along the way. I’ve accomplished things I set out to do, and even more is that I have accomplished things I would never have dared to dream about doing. I have had my first real kiss, my first night sitting over the porcelain god, my first time taking shots that taste better then cheap Savon Drugs quality vodka, first time clubbing, first time taking a full photo shoot at a castle, first time traveling London by myself, first time to Ireland, first time to Scotland, first time experiencing a real college life, first time to Wales…..but it won’t be the last. I wrote a letter to myself at the beginning of this trip. It was one of the things we were required to do for the program send off. I carefully wrote my letter to a future self that I could never even imagine, well, I tried. Guess what? I’m completely different from how I imagined. The letter talked about many things, mainly reminding myself to get my mom’s tea cozy and things ‘not-to-do’ and things ‘to-do’….but mainly it was a set of questions. Eager and excited.
As I went through the list, I felt proud that I could answer ‘yes’ to many of the questions, and even better what that the answered where varied. I just can’t thank you all enough for making my stay just that amazing. I don’t know what to do without you now that I have you. It seems so unfair, and yet it only makes you more precious. So, what did I do with those rocks?
Each I marked carefully with a sharpie, not only my initials, but the castle they were gathered from. Tomorrow I plan to leave them at Dinefwr Castle (not only the place I plan to get married one day) but the place Alberie and I decreed the place “where we were happy”. I had planned to leave them at Llansteffan, but this works just as well. There they will stay with a silent wish. Hopefully one day I can collect and leave more in the same place.
<3 Stefani.
p.s. AMERICA WALES, FUCK YAH!
I’m typing this before I leave, because it doesn’t feel right to post my last blog after I leave. It’s almost too much closure and in a way I don’t want to know the final ending scene while I type this. I want this, like all the other blogs, to be in the moment. I want this blog to be a part of the story so that it can keep it too. Right, so here is how it goes; I say some mushy, sentimental, and overly cheesy stuff and then I do individual shout outs, and then I say some more tear jerking stuff and then cry myself to sleep. Yup that’s the plan at least. Stick with me friends….this is going to be a long one.
But First…a video.
((in case that doesn't work- here is a link))
[AND BECAUSE MY VIDEO EDITING SOFTWARE SUCKS- the song I wanted to add can’t be added so I’ve decided to link it and recommend people listen to it as they read. Yup. So here be the link--- Bryan Adams: I Will Always Return (Finale) ]
Please Watch the video first and then listen to the song- if only for the sake of keeping my cheesy idea of 'feel' for the piece. Plllleeeeaaaseee?!
Forgive the video quality- if youtube hasn’t banned it yet. Had to switch to megavideo since the video is a good 20 minutes. Please make sure you haven’t watched 70 minutes of video before seeing this. Like I said, it’s a good 20 minutes. I hope you enjoyed the video, because I did making it. Cried myself to sleep a couple of times after working on it, but hey- that was the point. There were a lot of photos that didn’t make it in, either because they were waaaay too blurry or because I didn’t own them. Many of my best memories don’t have photos- and in a way that is how it should be. There are people I wish I had more photos of to put in, and some well…some I captured all too well. Again, thanks for watching. I just wish I had more photos of us as an entire group.
So….
Last blog….here it finally is…too soon. Yup definitely too soon. It’s all been one crazy, amazingly messed up dream, and-
Ugh! I’m just so gutted! How to go on?! WHY THE BLEEDING HELL DID I STUDY ABROAD IN THE FIRST PLACE?! Mark my words I will come back! Mark them! I honestly can’t fathom being away from his place too long, it’s become home to me. To a huge part of me, and who I am, this place is permanent. I remember the first night I arrived here, the car ride and the way the landscape resembled a black sea with only the occasional flickering lights. There was the moment I stepped into the tiny room that would be my bedroom, and how odd it felt. How very odd. I remember pulling back the curtains and looking into the rolling sea with flickering lights and thinking- ‘what will it look like in the morning?’. I almost stayed up, because I was so excited to see what was out there. I was so very excited. Who was out there, what could I discover, where could I go, when will the sun freaking rise, how will I ever be able to leave…
To go from a place where the world seems to face only the future and live in the bright shining new to a place mystery and ancient whispers peak through the creations of the new generation. A world combined with everything I knew….and everything I wanted. Maybe now I will finally be able to start writing that stupid book I’ve had in my head for years, this place did not fail in giving me the inspiration I was looking for. Every piece of me is screaming at me to stop, to dig my nails into the earth so hard that they break- if only so I could stay. I have never felt peace in myself as much as I have here. But I guess that going home only makes this place that much more special. Things in rarity are made more valuable because they cannot be taken for granted. It felt like it’s only been a week…it felt like I only got to ‘live’ for a short time. In a way, it's like staring into the most perfect summer day; The sun and it's soft, warm, rays dancing delicately upon the perfect moments as friends pass the ball while others fly a kite and the rest sit on the picnic blanket taking silly photos and joking about the previous nights television show. Getting to go in and experience it all to the fullest. Forgetting the window you had once stood behind watching the scene and wishing, because your wish has come true- every last bit of it.....and then they tell you, soon you have to leave. Panic sets in; have you done everything you wanted to do, did you get all the souvenirs you promised everyone, I don’t want to go home, have you kept the room clean so you get your money back, have you tried re packing to see if you could fit everything, did you make plans with friends at home so you don’t sit around like a lethargic slug your first week back, I don’t want to go home, have you checked your grades, made sure you are still focusing on the class till the end, I don’t want to go home, did you get all the partying in to satisfy you for a year, I don’t want to go home, did you take all the pictures you wanted, did you make sure you had that Italian night, maybe that curry night, i don’t want to go home, did you tell everyone thanks for making it the most memorable experience of your life, I don’t want to go home, did you tell them all how much they mean to you, did you get closure, did you fix your problems, have you spoken to them one last time, and have you taken any of them aside..., I don’t want to go home, and told them how much you will miss them, I don’t want to go home, have you said it.....I don’t want to go home...said good bye....can you? I don’t want to go home.
Caroline Beasley: Honestly, you NEED to come visit next spring. Please, I am on my hands and knees begging you. Please, begging. I remember the moment we met, and the way you made it easy to feel at home around you. The Anne Summers party and staying up extremely late talking about our plans for London. Plans that came true. HOW OFTEN do plans ACTUALLY come true? I swear, you get on study abroad because it appeals as one giant vacation with a couple classes in between. I never fathomed I would find friends no- family here. People who I can be myself around and not feel guilty or used or unwanted with. A person who appreciated me as a person and wanted to be my friend and so quickly, without me ever having to prove myself. Just promise me you will skype me all the time. If you ever need anything, I will fly back in a heartbeat. You have done so much for me, and I am at a loss at finding ways to repay your kindness and generosity. I’ve been scared to move on in my life, to grow any older and yet you’ve made getting older look fun and stress free. You are a strong and assertive girl with the warmest and most welcoming heart. It’s like, when I’m around you, I’m constantly happy and I can’t even think about anything bad- because you are just so bright and optimistic. All those movie nights, all the dinners, the random nights out and the photo shoots, all of London, all of this trip- I owe so much of it to you. Even now, I don’t know what to say. You, moving to Cardiff- geez…I just want to move in with you and start working. You give me hope and a new found determination to achieve my goals. It’s probably because you are achieving your goals every day, at least you make it seem so. Your passion for the arts and theater is undaunted and unparalleled. It is a great inspiration to everyone around you and everyone who is around you looks up to you. I know I do. Forever, keep going strong. You will make it and I will be cheering for you every step of the way. I’ll give it my best shot too. Cheesy as it may be, I have a song I want you to find and listen to. - Brothers under the Sun (Bryan Adams). Just change the brothers to sisters and I think it’s a perfect song. Caroline, I will miss you with all my heart. In the end, I gained a big sister, one who I wouldn’t trade for the world.
Ollie Edwards: Where to begin? Maybe with the fact I should probably NOT be typing this on a public blog- but that’s blog right? Besides I want this to be public, because everything I have to say to you…well I’m sure the rest of the world knows about it already anyway. Besides, I will never know if you read this anyway, and sending a message does a load of good- not. You know me, queen of mello drama. Besides, my blog, my rules, and my embarrassment. I might as well take this needy, over attentive little girl thing the whole way. You said to drop it. So I will do my best to do so because you asked me to. You are charming and witty and even better is that you are perceptive. You know how to wear arrogance and more importantly when to take it off and you have mastered the art of aloof humor. But even beneath that, you are a wealth of kindness, devotion, commitment, and perseverance. I just remember, the moment I met you- my instant thought was ‘Wow, he’s hot. But probably an arrogant dick.’ (excuse my French) And at first I was determined to think that, because what guy can ever act that cool and NOT be self involved? But you proved me wrong, and that stunned me. Well anyway, you know how I feel- I’ve made it clear, at least I hope I have, and I’m pretty sure you’ve made it clear how you feel. God gave me what I wanted most from this trip and I had thrown it away, and I will regret it for the rest of my life. I will seriously envy the girl who gets you in the end. But I must thank you, because you made me stronger. If I owe this trip to anyone, in helping me grow as a person, it is you. You helped shape me, and because of that I will never let you go. You have the talent and confidence to take yourself far in life. I pray that you get everything you dreamed of, that voice acting gig you wanted, all the pro wrestling tickets you dream for. You deserve them, and I have no doubt in my mind that the world can expect great things of you. You have what it takes to break out, and you will realize it one day. I have faith in you and know that you will always have a friend and fan in me. Should you ever need me, I WILL be there, all you have to do is ask. And should you ever come to California, for the love of god, if I find out you avoid me and pay for an expensive hotel I will hunt your ass down, Oliver. Anyway, I guess this is farewell…I do hope one day to see you again. I’ll miss you too much. Break a leg, stranger.
Alberie Hansen: Oh god. You have no idea…how hard it is to type this. I could NOT have asked for a better person to have studied abroad with. I guess, it shouldn’t really be this hard, since we will be able to see each other when we return home. God knows we plan to sob our hearts out together in the back seat on the ride to the air port. I’ll probably cry even more when you board your plane back first and I’m left alone in the terminal for 6 hours awaiting the flight I dread the most. I just don’t know what to say. First wales and what I like to think is us as the three musketeers. Jeffery starring as Porthos, the fun loving and overly optimistic joker of the gang, You as Athos- the mysterious one, and myself as Aramis or the one who is bound by every good moral and law of pride to keep Jeffery at bay. It’s sad now that one of us is already gone and soon the next two will split up. It’s a been a series of adventures in a world we took on together with heads held high and hearts open for opportunity. Even now the ‘meeting point’ holds nothing but golden memories for me. It was the beginning of a story for three excited teenagers. Now, as the pages come to a close, it is the ending memoirs of three adults. But there simply must be a sequel. We have a homeland to conquer as well, not just for ourselves but for everyone over here who has shaped us without even trying. It simply can’t be the end to our hilarious Disney nights, supernatural marathons, and various nights ranting and raving about guy problems which in the end would ultimately lead to how much we would miss this place, it’s people, and it’s adventure and in the end how very stupid emotions were because now we were both sobbing. Again, I restate, there must be a sequel. I can’t thank you enough for listening to me every day rant about myself and for always being there when I needed someone desperately. You’ve been strong and friendly for me and never have you turned me away. Your gentle kindness and bright sense of wonder for the world around you is amazing and I will always choose you as the person I can count on to go dancing in the rain with. I know when I listen to ‘eye of the tiger’ I will forever be reminded of you and just how grateful I am that it was you who was by my side for this entire trip, and how much you now mean to me as a friend. So throw the thin mint cookie and shout that you’re done, but let me ask…are we really?
Cat Evans: We are getting married, you are ripping up my passport and I am staying here forever. I have never met a person that I hit it off so quickly with before you. Our first night and ‘sex on the beach’- geez we moved fast haha. Then after, you always came up and danced with us, had fun with us. It was like you had always been a part of the group. I will never forget you and Jeffery and all the fun you guys picked at each other. You took my job when I needed a break. You are the most amazing and beautiful person, not because of your looks (although they are gorgeous as well), but because of your heart. If Disney princesses were real, they would act like you. You seriously remind me of a princess. Whimsical and gentle, but with the kindest and biggest heart that just bleeds for everyone without any expectation of anything in return. I wish I could return everything you have given me on this trip. I couldn’t have asked for a better singing partner. I’m just glad we stayed friends the whole time, and you did things for me which no one else would have ever done. You made the effort, you did the work- you picked up my pieces when I refused to do so. You are the ear I can always count on to listen and likewise I will always be the ear for you. It was like having a twin of myself and definitely you are a sister I can never let go. I’ll be shattered to not have you within a short reach of me. I already miss you, and I’m not even gone yet. Cat, keep up your courage and unyielding kindness. Always keep your chin up, and when you don’t feel beautiful physically, you show your spirit with a confidence and regality of a queen because your spirit can never ever look ugly. Never let go of yourself and never be afraid to cry. That in and of itself is strength. Let your conscience be your guide and always follow the star in your heart. All the pain you feel only makes you stronger, and with the amount of things you are going through and surviving each and every moment- you will be a mountain of the most majestic kind.
Amy Griggs: Oh boy. More paragraphs that I just don’t know where to begin with. Castles, photographs, wrestling, laughter, pancakes (crepes), hair, etc….just…. 90% of my memories here have you in them. In case you didn’t notice the video, you practically filled it like Caroline. You are just so enlightening and mature. You have been the biggest help when I needed someone to help me sort myself out and you have always been inviting and sisterly to me. You know, honestly, I got along better with Jess at first- and then getting to Trinity, ugh. I just don’t want to leave, especially back to a Fullerton without you. I wish so much that I could have gone to Disneyland just once with you guys. You have been such a friend to me and I am not ashamed to call you family in a way. I will always remember the first weekend at Trinity and your car rolling by. It was weird to see you here when I knew you there. It brings tears to my eyes that now I will be returning there and there will be no Amy Griggs there. I just don’t know what to say. My utmost gratitude to you for willingly taking me under your wing and always being the ear willing to listen and the voice to echo wisdom and patience. I couldn’t have survived this trip without you. I look up to you soooooo much. I will miss you even more.
Andy Gregory: Dude. Just- thanks. You’ve been a great pal to hang with and always a healthy dose of ‘guy’ time. I’m gunna miss Fullerton without you. I know Bill already does haha. Your hard work and general calm perception of your tasks always made me jealous. You’ve impressed me and made me want to work harder at what I do. That is what I have to thank you most for. But also for making me feel so welcome not only here at Trinity but even at Fullerton- which is a little backwards. The bonfire was probably one of the funnest nights of my life. I had an absolute blast. I also now know what you felt when you were leaving California. It just sucks….You have to come back to California, and like wise I’ll definitely be back in Wales. See you in the industry, I’ll need myself a proper techie if I ever hope to make a decent piece of work. Keep up the amazing work, and keep showing it off. You’re good at polite bragging haha.
Jeffery Han: Hello Porthos. That’s what I’m calling you, aside from Macbeth. Macbeth and Banquo. Porthos and Aramis. I just remember the moment I was in the airport hugging my mother goodbye and on the verge of tears, and you came up calling my name in that goofy manner you always did there after. It was the first time I heard it, but I was instantly smiling. You always had the power to make me instantly smile. You also willingly took my jabs and jibes and turned them into pleasant comedy and a time for a good laugh. You really embodied optimism to the fullest and I think everyone had something to learn from you in the way of taking everything in stride. I have missed you this last month, more then I could fathom I would. I was sad we couldn’t sit in the air port the same as we had when we left- chatting about plots and plans we had for our time. We made an awesome team and I can’t wait to go back to Fullerton and see you again. It was just blast. Alberie and I will drag you to Disneyland- we’ve already made that plan. But there is a different note, thank you for always working to keep me happy and smiling. I will never forget our chat in front of Carmarthen Castle eating subway on a bench and spilling every ounce of our feelings. Then again with Alberie and joking about kebabs of malice and more schemes that would makes us laugh again. All the times you acted like the fool because you just didn’t care, and how much it inspired everyone. Everyone loved you, and I know I am no exception. You have been a phenomenal friend and a large part of this trip would not have been the same without you. Thank you, and hopefully- see you soon.
Mrs. Beasley & Mr. Beasley: Thanks so much for being so welcoming and allowing us to stay at your house. It has meant the word to me. You made us feel right at home, and you taught us so much in such a short amount of time like; how to keep the bubbly, what an authentic English tea party is, what it means to have some fun, how to keep a conversation going, how to make sandwiches, and much more. You also taught us that it is okay to cry in front of others. In a short time I grew to find you both as a third set of parents for myself, and I cherish you as if you were my flesh and blood. You’ve made my experience over Easter break unforgettable and undeniably fantastic. The world of thanks to you and your strong, warm wisdom that could make even a stranger feel right at home.
Emma Hixon: Thanks for always keeping your cool around me and always being kind enough to chat with us. I will miss having you in classes back in Fullerton. It was way too fun. I’m glad we were able to spend time together and thanks so much for visiting us in London. It was a blast to have you around.
Jess Batty: You girl, are crazy. Please don’t ever change it though. It makes you the most amazingly bold person, and I heard someone say that there was not a mean bone in your body, and I agree with them. There really isn’t. You have always been super encouraging and always willing to have a good time. I can’t thank you enough for all the good times we have had. Thanks so much for everything, really.
Ida Vethe: You are such a strong and amazing person and I really appreciate the time I was able to spend with you. Thanks for always hanging around and putting up with us. It meant so much. I will always admire and remember your spirit. But more than that is your good humor. Never change, and good luck to you.
Becky Hadley: We never did get to do our Italian night and to be honest I’m a bit bumming about it. But I am really glad we met. You’re a really strong person and I really appreciate your help and patience throughout the show. Thanks for always being welcoming at the union and bar as well. It means a lot to me. Keep going strong and break a leg with whatever your plans may be.
BethAnne: I am appalled we didn’t hang out more. You’re a complete ball of fun. I really enjoyed the time we spent in Cardiff that day and all the tunes we sung in the car. The memory wouldn’t be complete without you and the entire trip was just made more by your presence. Thanks so much.
Nikki Brookes: You know when I first met you I was intimidated by you. My best friend back home is very motherly, and yet- I didn’t get that from you until ‘Oh What a Lovely War’. Not that you were motherly, but that you were always concerned with how we were doing and what was going on with us. It made me feel right at home, and It was always nice to know you would listen to my random conversation topics. You are strong and warm and you are the voice of reason to many. I have grown to look up to you greatly, and to top it off, your singing voice is amazing. Live, laugh, and love- you deserve it. And thank you.
Tom Monty: You’re coming to live with us, so I’m not writing this horribly depressing paragraph to you. I just can’t do it. No, seriously though, you have been such a picker upper for me. Thanks for listening to me rant about guys and always being the one willing to hang, take photos, or even dye hair. Your hugs have always comforted me and your aloof coolness for things has kept me calm. I really think you embody the saying ‘Keep calm and Carry on’. Photo shoots will never be the same without you. Please come to California. Aly and I would simply adore having you there. You’ve been a great friend and a real priceless piece to this trip. There are no words for how much I will miss you. Keep your confidence and ‘strut’, it makes you the fabulous Monty. Most of all, never lose your faith in love. It’s kept me believing.
Simon Mullins: Thanks for all the hugs and talks. Really, you have always been willing to give me a guy hug when I needed one. And all the chats were extremely helpful. I can’t thank you enough for being supportive and friendly to me and I think of you almost as a brother. Hopefully my brother can one day be as kind and charismatic as you. Go out and conquer, Simon- and don’t forget to lock your door.
Mathew Crewe: I keep starting all of these with the word ‘thanks’ but really I just keep thanking everyone. So guess what I’m going to do with you? Thank you, for all the times you pushed me and all the chats we had. I really appreciated all the compliments you gave me and all the times you bought me drinks. I really do owe you one.
Nia : I will always remember your hair mustache that day in Lamperter. You are simply hilarious and just too much fun to be around. I am ashamed we didn’t hang out more. Thanks for all the enthusiasm and welcome you showed us and keep up the high spirits. They lift up everyone around you.
Tom Owen: Oh what a lovely war would not have been the show it was for me without your constant stream of jokes and insight. I will also always remember how shocked I was when you came up to me and asked me about comic con. I pray one day you get to go- you’d have a blast. Keep up the smiles and good humor, it has always been a help to me. More importantly, thank you, for always asking me how I was doing and always taking the time to stop and chat. It has been a blast.
Lou: Your wacky creativity inspires me and impresses me. They weren’t kidding when they said you were not what you appeared. It only makes me happier that there are more people out in the world like that, and you rise above them all. Thanks for letting me take photos for you, and thanks for always being so nice. I know I say it to everyone, the nice thing and all, but I really mean it.
Ralph: I’m just going to miss you. We definitely need more people like you back in Fullerton. Thanks for showing me your drawings and letting me be a nerd around you. Your artwork is really good and as long as you get rid of the spider I am always willing to come hang out to see them haha. You’ve inspired me to maybe try out dungeons and dragons- should I ever get better at gaming. Thanks so much for your support and humor. It helped me through a lot.
Sarah: I have you to thank for always making sure we get out of our caves and hang. You also have always made sure we had a dance partner at the union. Honestly, you have a strong and good temperament that makes you easy to be around. I will definitely miss having you around all the time to keep us laughing. Thanks for taking me to Llansteffan and also dragging us to Jacksons. Partying with you has never been a dull moment.
Stacey: Also, thank you for taking us to Llansteffan and putting up with my photography. Thanks for also always trying to include us and always following along with us in Shakespeare. Your smile was always very pretty and uplifting. Your facial expressions are also extremely fun to watch. Thanks for your support in my blog writing and commenting well on it. It gave me confidence to keep writing it.
Fran: Girl…thank you, just,- thank you. You have always been helpful and giving about everything and you have always been willing to hang or chat. It’s been a blast and I’ll never forget Jacksons. Thank you, so very much.
Kelly: Thanks for always being so kind and caring about us. You are an amazing person to hang around and your generosity is refreashing. Be strong and keep up that big heart of yours. It always lit up my day.
Shane: What can I say? Really, you’ve made every night out a blast. Honestly I cant thank you enough for always being willing to hang out with us and joke around with us. It made us all feel right at home. I wish you best of luck with your goals, whatever they are. You where really fun to be around and I’ll never forget it.
Andrew: Dude, best of luck to you with Michael Dyer and the Shakespeare thing. You made my time here hilarious and your humor was always a breath of fresh air. I’m a bit sad I couldn’t say good bye to you before you left, but I’m excited for you and I will definitely miss you and your jokes. It was always a blast to argue with you. Thanks for keeping it cool.
Becky: I know I can always count on you for a good dance partner. Thank you so much for being so welcoming to us, and always enthusiastic when we arrived. It helped out confidence greatly, and we always had a friend to turn to. Thanks so very much for everything and keep it up.
Karl: Thanks for always being there to give hugs and smiles. It was really up lifting. Also, thanks for always dancing with us at the union. I really appreciate your kindness and the personal talks helped quite a bit too. I will really miss you, and your accent which I always found to put a grin on my face. Keep smiling and keep being yourself. I could always count on you for a good laugh.
Hannah B: You’re sitting right next to me when I type this, and I find that semi-hilarious. Working with you has been a blast, and you remind me of my friends back home, which has helped to get me confident in my return journey. It’s been a bit of fresh air around you as well. I can’t thank you enough for being enthusiastic about my ideas in our absurd piece and always being the one willing to try. Our walk to Tescos and back was lovely and I greatly appreciate it. It’s one of those memories I wish I had photos of. I know I will probably think of you when I cook brownies from here on out.
April: Being in the absurd group with you was so much fun. Your relaxed and gentle nature was very calming and you always kept us on track when we deviated from the subject. Likewise, your acceptance of us internationals was amazing, and I thank you for it. Break a leg in your future endeavors and continue to have confidence in where you are going. You can make it.
To the Rest of the Second Years: You guys absolutely rock. I owe every single one of you credit for helping me to break out of my shell and try new things. I also owe it to every single one of you to being open and supportive as well as a bit stubborn in keeping me from being a cave bat. Your motivation and excitement at working together and trying new things is also quite admirable. It is with a heavy heart that I must leave you, and all the fun, exuberant, moments that you provided. You all have a habit of looking at life optimistically, and turning it into one giant adventure- and I wish so badly to have been able to continue it with you.
To the Rest of the Third Years: Your enthusiasm and willingness to accept us was beyond astounding. Likewise, your perseverance and motivation for your art is beyond inspiring. I give a round of applause to all of your great work and love, and my deepest gratitude for your open and kind attitudes towards us. You made this semester one of the best, if not the best, I’ve ever had. I will never forget any of you and you all deserve a personal shout out and it is most unfortunate that I have a word cap keeping me from doing so. (Also a time limit as I have procrastinated on this for too long). But know that as you graduate and go on, you are all a family and as a family you have worked together to make your way, and because you have stayed as a family…through all the hardships and drama- you all have what it takes to be successful. I hope that you all stay in touch with each other, and continue to make memories. It was so fun to watch you, and for however short of a time, be a part of it with you.
To the Halliwell Ladies: Thank you for always laughing at my jokes, and odd sense of humor- and also thank you for laughing and smiling kindly when I commented delightfully on the food. Your food was amazing and your service was comforting. Again, thank you.
To Caroline (Warden of Non): Best Warden ever. You solved the problem with fridge food stealing and I am seriously impressed. You kicked butt this year. Thanks for making my stay comfortable and enjoyable.
One things I’ve learned, is the power of the word ‘yes’. We say ‘no’ all the damn time, and people begin to understand the feeling of rejection, restraint, longing, defiance, etc. But for some odd reason, ‘yes’ is a much more…under spoken word. We replace it with ‘you betcha’ or ‘yah’ or ‘sure’. But the word ‘yes’ itself, for me has always meant commitment. I’m always slightly happier to hear the full word, ‘yes’. When I ask something and someone takes the time to reply ‘yes’- it just seems so much more of the word. It was a word I was determined to use more often when I came here. At times I regret it, others- I was all too happy I did, but most important was that I could never bring myself to want to have changed it. And I now realize, this makes absolutely no sense. None. Sorry about that…I’m wasting word count words on babbling.
There’s a lingering question I keep asking myself....who was I when I left, and will I ever be that person again? It feels oddly like I'm playing the parent trap game, switching places into another persons life.
I’ll have to manage somehow. Because I am finding myself at the end of the semester, and slightly less sad- the end of the blog. Don’t worry, there will be a p.s. blog which will have the full overview and evaluation for the whole semester trip, if anyone still cares enough to read it. Hopefully, since it will probably end up being the essay I need to turn in to get credit for this overly expensive vacation. Then again, probably not.
I am on my way home with one thing really in mind. As I now (since this blog was typed over the span of three weeks) sit in the union waiting for open mic night (and my last night probably seeing this bar)- I keep finding myself trying to block out the fact that in 48 hours I will be sitting on a plane. Probably in the same position I found myself sitting on the plane on the way over here- crying and watching films while I attempt sleeping. Except that time I was crying because I was worried about leaving home for the first time for an extended amount of time, and with no way to get home should I need it’s comfort. This time it will because I don’t want to return to that same home I found so much comfort in. Not if it means leaving all these amazing people. Beyond that, I find myself also considering what type of person I will be when I return, and what type of people my friends will be. No doubt five months has changed them as well. Alberie and I kept discussing that flaws of the Study Abroad program. Aside from all the disorganization, the main point we found was that while they give you workshops to help you learn how to integrate into a different culture and other such things, they never once give you any sort of advice on how to integrate back into home culture. Maybe that is why I feel so lost and unsure about what is around the corner. Not even a clue. ---aside from the obvious clue of summer school and then straight into school. I just wish I could pack you all into a bag with me. Really.
Wow, I just feel so weird writing all that cheesy feeling, but it’s honestly how I am feeling. Just a whole bunch of unsure, and insecure. I mean, I’ve been trying to cry for three weeks to get out some pent up frustration and anxiety without any form of success what so ever. I’ve been reenacting scenes from ‘The Holiday’ because of it. I’m so mad at the idea that I can’t cry right now, one because it causes my emotions to push harder at the already cracked glass and two, because I know the moment I find the trigger- which will probably be tomorrow when I’m saying goodbye to everyone- I will be bawling uncontrollably. Embarrassing, and I would much rather leave with a smile.
This entire trip has been full of memories and great adventures, all shoved into four modules in five months with a whole bunch of new friends and family along the way. I’ve accomplished things I set out to do, and even more is that I have accomplished things I would never have dared to dream about doing. I have had my first real kiss, my first night sitting over the porcelain god, my first time taking shots that taste better then cheap Savon Drugs quality vodka, first time clubbing, first time taking a full photo shoot at a castle, first time traveling London by myself, first time to Ireland, first time to Scotland, first time experiencing a real college life, first time to Wales…..but it won’t be the last. I wrote a letter to myself at the beginning of this trip. It was one of the things we were required to do for the program send off. I carefully wrote my letter to a future self that I could never even imagine, well, I tried. Guess what? I’m completely different from how I imagined. The letter talked about many things, mainly reminding myself to get my mom’s tea cozy and things ‘not-to-do’ and things ‘to-do’….but mainly it was a set of questions. Eager and excited.
As I went through the list, I felt proud that I could answer ‘yes’ to many of the questions, and even better what that the answered where varied. I just can’t thank you all enough for making my stay just that amazing. I don’t know what to do without you now that I have you. It seems so unfair, and yet it only makes you more precious. So, what did I do with those rocks?
Each I marked carefully with a sharpie, not only my initials, but the castle they were gathered from. Tomorrow I plan to leave them at Dinefwr Castle (not only the place I plan to get married one day) but the place Alberie and I decreed the place “where we were happy”. I had planned to leave them at Llansteffan, but this works just as well. There they will stay with a silent wish. Hopefully one day I can collect and leave more in the same place.
<3 Stefani.
p.s. AMERICA WALES, FUCK YAH!