(no subject)
Yeah, haven't been on in a while. Which I kinda wish I had, because a lot of shit has been going down and it's hard to deal with at times.
First off... and this happened a couple weeks ago, but... I finally found a pair and confronted the last person who hurt me from high school - Jared. I had gotten over everyone else refusing to keep in touch unless I was on facebook, but it hurt especially when he sent me a friend request on facebook like nothing had happened. I kept having dreams about running into him again, about him trying to be friends again and me crying and saying, "You don't know what I've been through, you were never there when I needed you." And as much as I had convinced myself I was fine, apparently it was Jared that still managed to make me sad.
So I finally confronted him on facebook and asked him why the fuck he would friend me on facebook and still continue not to talk to me, especially since using facebook/myspace was a fucking requirement to keep in touch with him. He said he was sorry and he had no excuse, and then asked me how I was.
I know it's probably distorted thinking, but I was really bugged about him being so nonchalant about it. I have to remind myself that this hasn't been a problem or a constant train of thought for him, but the fact that he didn't feel bad at all and was just talking like nothing had happened really, really bugged me.
Either way, I let him know that life had been shit-tastic for me, and that I was feeling especially hurt because through a lot of it, I didn't have friends around. He kept replying to me so nonchalantly and it really felt like he didn't care. He said he didn't know how to respond, but I dunno... at least SOME acknowledgement would have been nice. Finally I just straight out asked if we were still friends. And he never answered. And that hurt the most.
I kicked his sorry ass off my friends list, 'cause his silence sure answered that question louder than he ever could with words. It hurts, and I cried a lot, but he isn't worth my tears. He isn't worth even passing through my mind. If talking to me and being a friend is too much to ask, then I'll let him get back to whatever's more important. So fuck him and fuck everyone else who had the balls to act like that, too.
Because of it, I am going to try even harder to socialize with others. I feel happy around Dylan's friends. They treat me nicely and Rose especially treats me like he cares about me, so I am going to try harder to spend time with them. It might be hard if they eventually move on but I would much rather be having fun with people I like, even if only for a little while. It beats pining over friends who just don't give a shit any more.
And that's pretty much what happened with that...
As for other parts of life, I am currently freaking out because it is getting increasingly harder to get to my job. I got partially fucked over with the DMV, since apparently everyone is wrong and you CAN'T take a driver's test without a permit, even if you're over 18. They only have 1 number for the entire state, so it is damn near impossible to get through and try to get a permit test. I think I'm getting in soon, but with the notch (the shortest way to get to work) now closed, I am freaking and not sure how I'm going to keep this job. Which sucks, 'cause I really, REALLY like this job. I don't want to lose it.
I also am having to look into moving out even though I don't make NEARLY enough to do so. If I find a place I can afford, I am going to have to go back to food stamps and general assistance to be able to live... sigh....
At least in a cool (but money-draining) side of things, it looks like I am going to have to get a tablet pc for various personal and work-related reasons. Looks like I'm gonna have to invest in a used one from ebay. Should be fun. :)
--Kiki
PS- somehow I accidentally hit the back button and this whole long-ass entry was almost deleted. LJ, if you're going to autosave, then autosave more than the first sentence @_@
First off... and this happened a couple weeks ago, but... I finally found a pair and confronted the last person who hurt me from high school - Jared. I had gotten over everyone else refusing to keep in touch unless I was on facebook, but it hurt especially when he sent me a friend request on facebook like nothing had happened. I kept having dreams about running into him again, about him trying to be friends again and me crying and saying, "You don't know what I've been through, you were never there when I needed you." And as much as I had convinced myself I was fine, apparently it was Jared that still managed to make me sad.
So I finally confronted him on facebook and asked him why the fuck he would friend me on facebook and still continue not to talk to me, especially since using facebook/myspace was a fucking requirement to keep in touch with him. He said he was sorry and he had no excuse, and then asked me how I was.
I know it's probably distorted thinking, but I was really bugged about him being so nonchalant about it. I have to remind myself that this hasn't been a problem or a constant train of thought for him, but the fact that he didn't feel bad at all and was just talking like nothing had happened really, really bugged me.
Either way, I let him know that life had been shit-tastic for me, and that I was feeling especially hurt because through a lot of it, I didn't have friends around. He kept replying to me so nonchalantly and it really felt like he didn't care. He said he didn't know how to respond, but I dunno... at least SOME acknowledgement would have been nice. Finally I just straight out asked if we were still friends. And he never answered. And that hurt the most.
I kicked his sorry ass off my friends list, 'cause his silence sure answered that question louder than he ever could with words. It hurts, and I cried a lot, but he isn't worth my tears. He isn't worth even passing through my mind. If talking to me and being a friend is too much to ask, then I'll let him get back to whatever's more important. So fuck him and fuck everyone else who had the balls to act like that, too.
Because of it, I am going to try even harder to socialize with others. I feel happy around Dylan's friends. They treat me nicely and Rose especially treats me like he cares about me, so I am going to try harder to spend time with them. It might be hard if they eventually move on but I would much rather be having fun with people I like, even if only for a little while. It beats pining over friends who just don't give a shit any more.
And that's pretty much what happened with that...
As for other parts of life, I am currently freaking out because it is getting increasingly harder to get to my job. I got partially fucked over with the DMV, since apparently everyone is wrong and you CAN'T take a driver's test without a permit, even if you're over 18. They only have 1 number for the entire state, so it is damn near impossible to get through and try to get a permit test. I think I'm getting in soon, but with the notch (the shortest way to get to work) now closed, I am freaking and not sure how I'm going to keep this job. Which sucks, 'cause I really, REALLY like this job. I don't want to lose it.
I also am having to look into moving out even though I don't make NEARLY enough to do so. If I find a place I can afford, I am going to have to go back to food stamps and general assistance to be able to live... sigh....
At least in a cool (but money-draining) side of things, it looks like I am going to have to get a tablet pc for various personal and work-related reasons. Looks like I'm gonna have to invest in a used one from ebay. Should be fun. :)
--Kiki
PS- somehow I accidentally hit the back button and this whole long-ass entry was almost deleted. LJ, if you're going to autosave, then autosave more than the first sentence @_@