akuma no joker. [yamada ryosuke]
devil joker
or 5 facts yamada ryosuke was never brave enough to tell
1. He’s a liar.
When they ask he tells his friends the first girl he’s ever kissed is Shida Mirai (it was not really perfect and a little too messy by the sea and sun and sky, her little hand against his chest and him almost missing his target). It’s a lie. The first girl he ever kisses is…was…a next door neighbor he doesn’t remember the name of with a loud laugh and pretty face.
That year he was twelve and everything just felt right, her hair grazing her shoulders in the summer air, him slightly on his toes and not knowing, not seeing. It’s a fleeting feeling, like a butterfly, a scene he’s played in his head a million times over buried deep where he can’t see it.
Someday he’s going to find her, and thank her, whoever she might be.
2. He loves his fans, he really does.
They write him love letters and he smiles, every single one of them read a million times over and stored away in boxes. Even those with words he doesn’t understand, written in unfamiliar pen and speaks of someone who lives far, far away. He loves them all too much and holds them close to his heart.
But he hopes, one day, they’ll find someone who will love them as much as they love him.
3. He isn’t unfamiliar with the heartbreak he sings about, even though he’s too young, they say.
Nishiuchi Mariya has a way of looking at you that drives you mad, this is too true and he reaches for her hand, bringing it to his lips while she laughs. They are young and beautiful but they are not in love, he knows that too but dismisses it because all he needs is her heart against his and her voice in his ear before he sleeps.
It lasts all but two months when she can’t take it anymore. He wonders what he’s done wrong but she assures him he hasn’t: only that she doesn’t love him. Not the way he thinks he loves her. And she turns to leave just when he chokes down a smile, waiting for sobs to hack through his body. They never come.
Only when his older sister wraps her arms around him and comforts him does he cry. Weeks later he knows from Yuuto that she found Misaki again. He left the agency before his debut for Mariya but they found each other, bright eyes and blurred smiles. She comes to school radiant and glowing and very much in love.
Then he knows that what he had with her wasn’t.
4. He wants to get married someday.
He wants a lot of things, actually. He wants to find the girl who will love him because he’s Ryosuke, not Yamada Ryosuke the Johnny, just Ryosuke, the boy, plain and simple. He wants children, someday, girls the shadow of their mother and boys the shadow of him, running around and laughing. He wants a family for his own, to love, to hold, until they outlive him.
A June wedding, it’s a lot clichéd but he’s always wanted one, first a Western ceremony, in a white tuxedo with red roses in his breast pocket, his bride dazzling white with a splatter of scarlet in her hair or in her hand or across her dress. His mother would be crying, his father would be proud. He would be in love. Then a formal, Japanese ceremony, with the girl he loves looking more beautiful than he could ever even begin imagine and him thinking he’s the luckiest man alive.
He doesn’t want this life, this loveless cage where he wears gilded feathers and sings broken mantras, not to be touched but to be admired from far, far away. So far away that Mirai shunned him (after he kissed her under the stars and it felt too right), that the girls who love him don’t see him (they see a perfect, perfect boy who isn’t there at all), that Mariya chose the one who wasn’t bound by fame and fortune (the one who is allowed to smile without being punished).
He is, after all, human.
5. He loves a girl.
He hasn’t found her yet.
But he will.
And she’ll be perfect.
He knows.
Author’s Note:
I was going to sleep. But this happened.
disclaimer: this is purely fictional. any coincidences with things in real life, dead or alive, coincidental or not, are for fictional purposes only.
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