(no subject)
I sat outside tonight, watched the lightning storm. Digging my bare feet into the earth, my hair in my face, dirt streaked on my sweater. Trying to stop the racing commentary in my head, feel the quiet. I've been putting the shit to myself all summer; dressing nicer and perfecting the grip on my glass. I feel like a little kid tonight, dumb and aware. I've been defining myself with sex and the classes I've taken, but when I'm removed there is no picture. There are sky crashes and stretches of sidewalk; there is symmetry. I'm trying not to forget.
I need to remove myself, look to see the traces of a word. Necessary and sufficient. Sometimes I'm okay and sometimes I'm not; I'm trying. I feel her through the phone, feel the cold seep into my tiny fingers, touch the small things even smaller than me. I'm okay. Make it fine and make it better.
I'm trying to give myself up to you in a limited way, to everything that will last longer than I will. I am trying for permanence while I am feeling dumb, sick, apologetic. There is nothing more than me and you, and the incognizant is everything.
Basically, I am trying to get myself together for what I think are the right reasons because I am still just a little, stupid kid and there is no reason for anything at all, not even this.
I need to remove myself, look to see the traces of a word. Necessary and sufficient. Sometimes I'm okay and sometimes I'm not; I'm trying. I feel her through the phone, feel the cold seep into my tiny fingers, touch the small things even smaller than me. I'm okay. Make it fine and make it better.
I'm trying to give myself up to you in a limited way, to everything that will last longer than I will. I am trying for permanence while I am feeling dumb, sick, apologetic. There is nothing more than me and you, and the incognizant is everything.
Basically, I am trying to get myself together for what I think are the right reasons because I am still just a little, stupid kid and there is no reason for anything at all, not even this.