Things are steady.
I'm just trying to decide where I want to live next and when. It seems that to an extent, my plans of NY in January have been a bit foiled... because I'm incompetent and have a tendency to drive people that I care about away. After, Sterling... I came to realize that I had always and still have feelings for the ex right before him. You know, the one that didn't yell at me or make me spit out my own blood. (We used to get in to terrible physical fights... and I'm not guilt free by any means... I hit back.)
Leaving Los Angeles, well, even living in Los Angeles, I came to realize that I never really cared about Sterling... I cared about the idea of Sterling and wanted people to also to see that and only that. In a sense, he was good in the fact that he took care of me when I was sick... but when I was in Nebraska City with Kristen, I shared with her that almost 80% of the time being with him, I felt physically nauseous and unable to do things. Does that make sense at all? Even talking to him on the phone before he came to Nebraska made me physically sick. I'd start shaking and couldn't stand. I wonder if it was my body trying to warn me of something.
He still calls me and one of the conversations that made me realize that I only and always cared about Steve was his comment on this, "Bree, you turn every guy into your past into a monster... you hate them, you talk shit about them, you want nothing to do with them but you would never say anything bad about your precious Steve because you're so god damned in love with him! And you know, why do you think I was angry with you all the time... because you never gave me a chance! You never let me get close to you!" It's true. He would just talk and talk and talk, and I would listen and not say anything. Through out our entire relationship I had this whole sinking feeling within me, as cliche as that sounds. Then something would unearth and I'd try to leave and I should have come back to Nebraska without him... my brother witnessed us fighting one night because Sterling thought I was hitting on somebody at O'Leavers. He watched us wrestle, and then he saw me get hit in my mouth. My tongue split open and I fled to my car, where he followed and laughed at me for spitting out blood into a sock I found on the floor. "It's just blood!" In Idaho I told him I hated him before we went to Los Angeles, he ripped my keys out of my hands when I tried to leave, I was on the phone with my father crying... my dad was screaming so I locked myself in the car, while he proceeded to throw and break my suitcases, he tore the ring he gave to me off my finger... fourteen diamonds and threw it somewhere. I drove 87 miles that day, called Dustin crying and telling him I didn't know what I was doing with my life. I hid out in Sun Valley, by the time I came back to the farm he had apologized and told me what a great person I was. I called Alex, and Alex was freaking out...
But by the time I got to LA, I told Alex everything was fine and Sterling stayed with us for about a week until Jaffe got back from Romania. Alex saw me at my ultimate low... and it sucked because the summer before after I left Hawaii, yeah, I was sad about Steve... but man, Alex and I had such great great fun. By the time Sterling left, Alex told me that he hated Sterling and that he never wanted to see him around again because he'd kill him. "He has no respect for women, he says stupid shit all the time and he attacked my education! Bree, he wouldn't even let you go to school. Fuck him." However, I wanted to be a better person and maintain civility. Sterling's friends are awesome and I love his family and I just figured Sterling was having a hard time because of everything that had happened in his life. His car got repossessed twice, his credit was out of control and he was isolated and unmotivated for a while. And what was I doing with my life anyway?
I got two jobs when I was in Los Angeles, one was teaching at The Montessori School and another was a prestigious job at a French Bistro in Beverly hills. Sterling had no luck, and so I felt bad and would hang out with him... and I'd leave every day crying because of some fucked up thing he said. I didn't eat... and I never slept, maybe two or three hours out of the day. He told me Los Angeles would make my good heart hard and that I would turn into an asshole. I made out with a girl(who I probably hurt in the process because I didn't reciprocate any sort of emotion because I'm incapable of feeling these things with a woman) and made out with an Australian dude who had liked me for a year (but I wouldn't let him touch me and I definitely refused sex) and wondered if that was actually true. I called Sterling and told him I couldn't be in the same city with him anymore. He pretended to not care up until the day that I left. "there are so many things we could have done together if you just relaxed and trusted me. i love you, bre... you were a part of my life and a fantastic girl. you can have any guy you want... just don't lose sight of yourself... and don't be sad when you don't have a boyfriend... i'm sure there are tons of guys that would lay down in front of a train for you." I said good bye to Hollywood and with three packs of cigarettes and a full tank of gas... I was ready to go home.
Listening to The Beach Boys "I Guess I Just Wasn't Made for These Times" made me breakdown into crying fits in Las Vegas. I called Veronica, laughing and crying... because who cries to the Beach Boys? Losers, that's who! I stopped in Utah and saw Carly and Mason, slept for three hours and hit the road again. Utah was beautiful... but it's kind of sad to be seeing such beautiful scenery and not having anybody to share that with. Sterling's mom called me a few times when I was on the road... but I was too busy puking at truck stops and on the side of the road. Valerie and Matt kept me company via telephone... and I would call my dad crying.
I got back the first of July. On the fourth, I excitedly watched fireworks with Tom... and then thought about how I was excited the year prior because the day after I left for Idaho. "It's funny how things work out, right Tom?" We smoked and watched the explosions in the sky... remarkable. Soon after, Kristen wandered into Nebraska City for her MFA... I had continually ignored all communications with Sterling and had never felt better. It was a total liberating stay at the Lied Lodge, beautiful... fireflies every night... Kristen and I swimming... walking, talking... getting fucked up! God, I miss her! She was in town for three weeks, it was great!
I started working at the Magnolia Hotel and then noticed that a lot of our guests were from NY. Now I had always thought about Steve off and on... but then one day, I noticed that I couldn't stop thinking about him and kept talking to this guy from NY about him. "Bree, why don't you call him? Does he know that you miss him?" So I called him after I got off work and surprisingly he picked up and I told him and then Steve and I started talking again. And then I realized that all sorts of kind of men want me... but no, I push them away... I'm abrasive and I'm an asshole because I only have on guy in mind... because I think for once, I deserve to be happy.
Sterling calls a lot... tells me he loves me and that he's sorry for everything he ever does. I try not to talk to him because it just makes me cry... and not because I'm hurt but because I feel sorry for him and I feel bad when I tell him that I'm gone and that I don't care anymore.
I guess the rest is just boring too... I work a lot. I play video games, I read... listen to music and drive around a lot. I hang out with the guys, although lately, I kind of just like being alone... it's more productive that way. I write letters.
Steve and I have been talking since up until about a week ago. I acted horrible and I said something horrible... but I was in a really bad mood. I write him letters... even though I probably won't send them out. I do deserve to be happy... but I guess it's just me again.
Leaving Los Angeles, well, even living in Los Angeles, I came to realize that I never really cared about Sterling... I cared about the idea of Sterling and wanted people to also to see that and only that. In a sense, he was good in the fact that he took care of me when I was sick... but when I was in Nebraska City with Kristen, I shared with her that almost 80% of the time being with him, I felt physically nauseous and unable to do things. Does that make sense at all? Even talking to him on the phone before he came to Nebraska made me physically sick. I'd start shaking and couldn't stand. I wonder if it was my body trying to warn me of something.
He still calls me and one of the conversations that made me realize that I only and always cared about Steve was his comment on this, "Bree, you turn every guy into your past into a monster... you hate them, you talk shit about them, you want nothing to do with them but you would never say anything bad about your precious Steve because you're so god damned in love with him! And you know, why do you think I was angry with you all the time... because you never gave me a chance! You never let me get close to you!" It's true. He would just talk and talk and talk, and I would listen and not say anything. Through out our entire relationship I had this whole sinking feeling within me, as cliche as that sounds. Then something would unearth and I'd try to leave and I should have come back to Nebraska without him... my brother witnessed us fighting one night because Sterling thought I was hitting on somebody at O'Leavers. He watched us wrestle, and then he saw me get hit in my mouth. My tongue split open and I fled to my car, where he followed and laughed at me for spitting out blood into a sock I found on the floor. "It's just blood!" In Idaho I told him I hated him before we went to Los Angeles, he ripped my keys out of my hands when I tried to leave, I was on the phone with my father crying... my dad was screaming so I locked myself in the car, while he proceeded to throw and break my suitcases, he tore the ring he gave to me off my finger... fourteen diamonds and threw it somewhere. I drove 87 miles that day, called Dustin crying and telling him I didn't know what I was doing with my life. I hid out in Sun Valley, by the time I came back to the farm he had apologized and told me what a great person I was. I called Alex, and Alex was freaking out...
But by the time I got to LA, I told Alex everything was fine and Sterling stayed with us for about a week until Jaffe got back from Romania. Alex saw me at my ultimate low... and it sucked because the summer before after I left Hawaii, yeah, I was sad about Steve... but man, Alex and I had such great great fun. By the time Sterling left, Alex told me that he hated Sterling and that he never wanted to see him around again because he'd kill him. "He has no respect for women, he says stupid shit all the time and he attacked my education! Bree, he wouldn't even let you go to school. Fuck him." However, I wanted to be a better person and maintain civility. Sterling's friends are awesome and I love his family and I just figured Sterling was having a hard time because of everything that had happened in his life. His car got repossessed twice, his credit was out of control and he was isolated and unmotivated for a while. And what was I doing with my life anyway?
I got two jobs when I was in Los Angeles, one was teaching at The Montessori School and another was a prestigious job at a French Bistro in Beverly hills. Sterling had no luck, and so I felt bad and would hang out with him... and I'd leave every day crying because of some fucked up thing he said. I didn't eat... and I never slept, maybe two or three hours out of the day. He told me Los Angeles would make my good heart hard and that I would turn into an asshole. I made out with a girl(who I probably hurt in the process because I didn't reciprocate any sort of emotion because I'm incapable of feeling these things with a woman) and made out with an Australian dude who had liked me for a year (but I wouldn't let him touch me and I definitely refused sex) and wondered if that was actually true. I called Sterling and told him I couldn't be in the same city with him anymore. He pretended to not care up until the day that I left. "there are so many things we could have done together if you just relaxed and trusted me. i love you, bre... you were a part of my life and a fantastic girl. you can have any guy you want... just don't lose sight of yourself... and don't be sad when you don't have a boyfriend... i'm sure there are tons of guys that would lay down in front of a train for you." I said good bye to Hollywood and with three packs of cigarettes and a full tank of gas... I was ready to go home.
Listening to The Beach Boys "I Guess I Just Wasn't Made for These Times" made me breakdown into crying fits in Las Vegas. I called Veronica, laughing and crying... because who cries to the Beach Boys? Losers, that's who! I stopped in Utah and saw Carly and Mason, slept for three hours and hit the road again. Utah was beautiful... but it's kind of sad to be seeing such beautiful scenery and not having anybody to share that with. Sterling's mom called me a few times when I was on the road... but I was too busy puking at truck stops and on the side of the road. Valerie and Matt kept me company via telephone... and I would call my dad crying.
I got back the first of July. On the fourth, I excitedly watched fireworks with Tom... and then thought about how I was excited the year prior because the day after I left for Idaho. "It's funny how things work out, right Tom?" We smoked and watched the explosions in the sky... remarkable. Soon after, Kristen wandered into Nebraska City for her MFA... I had continually ignored all communications with Sterling and had never felt better. It was a total liberating stay at the Lied Lodge, beautiful... fireflies every night... Kristen and I swimming... walking, talking... getting fucked up! God, I miss her! She was in town for three weeks, it was great!
I started working at the Magnolia Hotel and then noticed that a lot of our guests were from NY. Now I had always thought about Steve off and on... but then one day, I noticed that I couldn't stop thinking about him and kept talking to this guy from NY about him. "Bree, why don't you call him? Does he know that you miss him?" So I called him after I got off work and surprisingly he picked up and I told him and then Steve and I started talking again. And then I realized that all sorts of kind of men want me... but no, I push them away... I'm abrasive and I'm an asshole because I only have on guy in mind... because I think for once, I deserve to be happy.
Sterling calls a lot... tells me he loves me and that he's sorry for everything he ever does. I try not to talk to him because it just makes me cry... and not because I'm hurt but because I feel sorry for him and I feel bad when I tell him that I'm gone and that I don't care anymore.
I guess the rest is just boring too... I work a lot. I play video games, I read... listen to music and drive around a lot. I hang out with the guys, although lately, I kind of just like being alone... it's more productive that way. I write letters.
Steve and I have been talking since up until about a week ago. I acted horrible and I said something horrible... but I was in a really bad mood. I write him letters... even though I probably won't send them out. I do deserve to be happy... but I guess it's just me again.