What a worried life.
Ben and I got in a fight. Neither of us acted correctly, and we know it. It's probably the biggest conflict we've had thus far in our relationship. I called my mom to talk to her about it and get some emotional support. She told me that it just brings up the fact that she and my dad are worried about the possibility of me going to Florida only to have no source of help or support. Having a fight with Ben does call to mind the fact that, yes, relationships do sometimes end. That isn't to say I'm dooming us from the get-go, but it does offer a sobering reminder of that harsh reality. There are no fairy tales. I must remember that.
I guess this is the "cold feet" portion of the process. I've spent a lot of time worrying about the fact that I wasn't worried. I figured that I should probably be stressing out by now, and up until a couple days ago, I was fine. This argument, however, has definitely put a dent in that. It's not just the fact that Ben and I may someday not be together. There's so much more, so many questions. Is it really worth the risk? I'm moving across the country to be with someone who may not even keep me around. Is it worth it? I'm afraid that sometimes I get seduced into thinking it's not.
Brittany tells me it's a spiritual attack, and she's definitely right. A preacher once said that one of the easiest ways to know that you're following the will of God is by the resistance you feel to that end goal. God has provided so much for me that, for all intents and purposes, I probably shouldn't be so unsure. The source of doubt--the fear of the unknown--has no root in what is already exists. It is based on a series of "what-ifs" that I have conjured up in my head. There is nothing to suggest in my life that Ben will leave me except the notion that it could happen. All signs point to our destined future together, but the idea that it's not a sure thing has given me a broad sense of doubt over the whole Florida situation.
It's even invaded my fears about Columbus. The search for a sublease has turned up nothing, and the frustration that I feel resulting from that is astounding. After all God has provided in Florida, certainly He would make something happen here to allow me to leave, right? He wouldn't dangle a wonderful future in front of me only to have it be so close yet so far away, would He? I don't believe in a God that unjust. There has to be a way for me to get out of this town and get out of this lease. I just don't know how yet. I have to have faith, but at this point it's what I'm lacking most. It keeps me from packing my boxes. I want to begin the preparations, but the idea that I've not fully resolved all of my ties to Columbus prevents me from pulling out those boxes. I don't want to pack only to unpack.
My trust is wavering. I'm so scared, and God, You're my only hope. I have no control, yet again, over the course of my life. So... do something. Please. Just do something already so that I can get on with this, one way or another.
I guess this is the "cold feet" portion of the process. I've spent a lot of time worrying about the fact that I wasn't worried. I figured that I should probably be stressing out by now, and up until a couple days ago, I was fine. This argument, however, has definitely put a dent in that. It's not just the fact that Ben and I may someday not be together. There's so much more, so many questions. Is it really worth the risk? I'm moving across the country to be with someone who may not even keep me around. Is it worth it? I'm afraid that sometimes I get seduced into thinking it's not.
Brittany tells me it's a spiritual attack, and she's definitely right. A preacher once said that one of the easiest ways to know that you're following the will of God is by the resistance you feel to that end goal. God has provided so much for me that, for all intents and purposes, I probably shouldn't be so unsure. The source of doubt--the fear of the unknown--has no root in what is already exists. It is based on a series of "what-ifs" that I have conjured up in my head. There is nothing to suggest in my life that Ben will leave me except the notion that it could happen. All signs point to our destined future together, but the idea that it's not a sure thing has given me a broad sense of doubt over the whole Florida situation.
It's even invaded my fears about Columbus. The search for a sublease has turned up nothing, and the frustration that I feel resulting from that is astounding. After all God has provided in Florida, certainly He would make something happen here to allow me to leave, right? He wouldn't dangle a wonderful future in front of me only to have it be so close yet so far away, would He? I don't believe in a God that unjust. There has to be a way for me to get out of this town and get out of this lease. I just don't know how yet. I have to have faith, but at this point it's what I'm lacking most. It keeps me from packing my boxes. I want to begin the preparations, but the idea that I've not fully resolved all of my ties to Columbus prevents me from pulling out those boxes. I don't want to pack only to unpack.
My trust is wavering. I'm so scared, and God, You're my only hope. I have no control, yet again, over the course of my life. So... do something. Please. Just do something already so that I can get on with this, one way or another.