Destiny.
I'll tell you what I told Ben very very early this morning: How the heck did I get here?
I mean, seriously, how did all of this happen? I'm now less than four weeks away from moving to Florida, some one thousand miles from my friends and family, and I'm not really even all that scared or worried about it. I rarely think about the reality of the situation, the distance, the unknown. It's all come together so easily that I've had very little to doubt. It is clear this is the direction I'm supposed to go, so why get worked up over the little things? The big things have been taken care of; the rest is just waiting and patience.
Why do I feel so confident that this is the right choice? Maybe I'm in a very prolonged manic episode in which I am completely unaware of the consequences of my actions, but when I get there I'll suddenly realize what a fool I've been but not be able to leave on account of all the commitments I've made. But I've gone through this all so rationally. I've done it step by step, and dare I say I've been very cautious. At any point in this process I've had the possibility of something falling through and none of it has. Is it fate?
I don't think about the fact that I'm moving so far away. I don't think about the fact that I am leaving behind everything I've known. I do think about the fact that I'm completely distraught over having not seen Ben in so long. It's quite painful, this feeling of being only half present at all times, like there's a cavity in my chest where my heart should be. I don't want to do this all for the sake of him, though, and I'm not. I've got a job--two of them, actually--an apartment, a roommate, lots of people depending on me to be there. My parents don't cause any problems anymore about the situation; they trust my judgment now and understand that, at some point, most people pick up and move away.
It's hard to believe this is a normal thing to do. I think about how many of my friends are not from here. Joshua is from New Mexico. Nancy is from New York. Derrick is from Kansas. Gillian is from Nevada, I think. People do this on a regular basis, and it's nothing to get all that worked up about. It's the natural progression of life, like the baby bird leaving the nest. At some point, we all must spread our wings and go out on our own. So maybe this isn't such a messed up plan after all. Maybe it's just destiny.
Maybe this is just the way the world works.
I mean, seriously, how did all of this happen? I'm now less than four weeks away from moving to Florida, some one thousand miles from my friends and family, and I'm not really even all that scared or worried about it. I rarely think about the reality of the situation, the distance, the unknown. It's all come together so easily that I've had very little to doubt. It is clear this is the direction I'm supposed to go, so why get worked up over the little things? The big things have been taken care of; the rest is just waiting and patience.
Why do I feel so confident that this is the right choice? Maybe I'm in a very prolonged manic episode in which I am completely unaware of the consequences of my actions, but when I get there I'll suddenly realize what a fool I've been but not be able to leave on account of all the commitments I've made. But I've gone through this all so rationally. I've done it step by step, and dare I say I've been very cautious. At any point in this process I've had the possibility of something falling through and none of it has. Is it fate?
I don't think about the fact that I'm moving so far away. I don't think about the fact that I am leaving behind everything I've known. I do think about the fact that I'm completely distraught over having not seen Ben in so long. It's quite painful, this feeling of being only half present at all times, like there's a cavity in my chest where my heart should be. I don't want to do this all for the sake of him, though, and I'm not. I've got a job--two of them, actually--an apartment, a roommate, lots of people depending on me to be there. My parents don't cause any problems anymore about the situation; they trust my judgment now and understand that, at some point, most people pick up and move away.
It's hard to believe this is a normal thing to do. I think about how many of my friends are not from here. Joshua is from New Mexico. Nancy is from New York. Derrick is from Kansas. Gillian is from Nevada, I think. People do this on a regular basis, and it's nothing to get all that worked up about. It's the natural progression of life, like the baby bird leaving the nest. At some point, we all must spread our wings and go out on our own. So maybe this isn't such a messed up plan after all. Maybe it's just destiny.
Maybe this is just the way the world works.