girls versus guys
So, here's the deal. I like hanging out with guys, I don't have many girl friends, especially newer ones here in Syracuse. And I've come to realize, I don't like girls. I'm used to being the only girl around, although some of the girls I -do- know are fun to hang out with. I like being girly sometimes, though it's unusual because I've worked so hard to be "one of the guys." And I've become that in most ways, as pointed out officially by Cass last week.
So what happens when I don't want to be seen as one of the guys? I'm seen as a girl but then they lose interest and I'm back to square one. I don't like faking happiness, pretending nothing's wrong. Suprisingly, for someone who can't keep a secret and loves to talk, I'm apparently good at it. Actress at heart, and here I thought I sucked.
My parents are divorced officially now. Dad's moving to Kentucky, and this weekend is the last time I'll have to see him in a long time. What am I doing? Planning paintball, and hopefully maybe he can even play. For those of you that -don't- know, I'm heartbroken over this and other drama in my life. What do you do when your story of love that you've kept close all those years breaks up? What do you do when the one you love (sigh all you want) doesn't want to be with you, but wants your acceptance to move on? He's your best friend, you'd do it for anyone else. My parents did it, married and had kids out of college, lived happily ever after (until f-ing Albany) for a while... whatever happened to happily ever after? My grandparents have been married for over 50 years, I can look at that. Ryan's parents have been married for almost 30, Bob's for maybe as long as mine... but I keep going why not mine? All I can think of is when I broke up with Dan-- Some things just can't be fixed. But you think your parents are invincible, like some kind of parental superhero. And now any hope I had is broken. Totally selfish, whatever. I'm kicking and screaming in my head, as you now see, and outside I try to keep a straight face and shrug my shoulders, looking away and walking off. WHY! That's just what I hear over and over. Why them? Why me? Why not them? Why not me?
I wanted the fairy tale. Right now it's.... it's life I guess. It blows. And this weekend I might have to wear the actress mask again because he is my best friend. I don't want to be a bitch, I'm better than this. But I want to shake the sh-t out of him and scream obscenities. And I know he'll do something that will just make me forget why I was mad for even a little while. He always does. It's a charm I can't resist. Stupid boys and their charm.
I'm moving out of my apartment next week/weekend. I'm living with Bob for a month in his place, and then when that's up we'll get a place together. Unless of course something goes horribly wrong and we decide we might kill each other if we're still living together haha. What can you do.
Time to go lose myself in the fantasy of my favorite books. I was reading one that Cass recommended, and I was almost done when I left it on the chest at my aunt's house. >_< So I have to wait a few weeks to finish it.
So what happens when I don't want to be seen as one of the guys? I'm seen as a girl but then they lose interest and I'm back to square one. I don't like faking happiness, pretending nothing's wrong. Suprisingly, for someone who can't keep a secret and loves to talk, I'm apparently good at it. Actress at heart, and here I thought I sucked.
My parents are divorced officially now. Dad's moving to Kentucky, and this weekend is the last time I'll have to see him in a long time. What am I doing? Planning paintball, and hopefully maybe he can even play. For those of you that -don't- know, I'm heartbroken over this and other drama in my life. What do you do when your story of love that you've kept close all those years breaks up? What do you do when the one you love (sigh all you want) doesn't want to be with you, but wants your acceptance to move on? He's your best friend, you'd do it for anyone else. My parents did it, married and had kids out of college, lived happily ever after (until f-ing Albany) for a while... whatever happened to happily ever after? My grandparents have been married for over 50 years, I can look at that. Ryan's parents have been married for almost 30, Bob's for maybe as long as mine... but I keep going why not mine? All I can think of is when I broke up with Dan-- Some things just can't be fixed. But you think your parents are invincible, like some kind of parental superhero. And now any hope I had is broken. Totally selfish, whatever. I'm kicking and screaming in my head, as you now see, and outside I try to keep a straight face and shrug my shoulders, looking away and walking off. WHY! That's just what I hear over and over. Why them? Why me? Why not them? Why not me?
I wanted the fairy tale. Right now it's.... it's life I guess. It blows. And this weekend I might have to wear the actress mask again because he is my best friend. I don't want to be a bitch, I'm better than this. But I want to shake the sh-t out of him and scream obscenities. And I know he'll do something that will just make me forget why I was mad for even a little while. He always does. It's a charm I can't resist. Stupid boys and their charm.
I'm moving out of my apartment next week/weekend. I'm living with Bob for a month in his place, and then when that's up we'll get a place together. Unless of course something goes horribly wrong and we decide we might kill each other if we're still living together haha. What can you do.
Time to go lose myself in the fantasy of my favorite books. I was reading one that Cass recommended, and I was almost done when I left it on the chest at my aunt's house. >_< So I have to wait a few weeks to finish it.