Ugh

[kho]

This Real Housewives of Beverly Hills suicide thing is pissing me off.  Once you're past your adolescent/teen years?  Suicide is your fault and your fault alone.  (ETA: Someone pointed out to me that this statement, which was written in haste and I did not stop at all to think that perhaps I shouldn't just say that and not explain myself, was very

Comments

[ariadne83]

News people, stop trying to figure out whose to blame. You're taking the wrong angle. Talk about how to get help. Talk about the signs of suicide. Give out the 800 numbers for suicide prevention. Stop talking about Bravo like they're gleeful this happened because of ratings and look down your nose at them when you in fact are doing the very same thing.

TOTALLY agree with this.

But as someone who struggled with depression/anxiety/mild psychosis for three years, and worked my way through suicidal ideation for the first time at age 28...

Once you're past your adolescent/teen years? Suicide is your fault and your fault alone.

Ouch. Yes, I did ultimately reach out for help but it was incredibly difficult to do, even though I was in the best of possible circumstances - supportive family, supportive partner, stable financial and living situation, already in therapy and on meds. It just felt impossible that I would ever get better, and I couldn't figure out why I wasn't happy even though I "have it all"; I thought all those awesome, supportive people would be better off without failtastic me.

But it's good to know that a biochemical imbalance in my brain really was all my fault...

[kho]

I'm so sorry. I'm sure my post hurt you, but I hope you can understand that I didn't mean it that way. I'm not pointing a finger at you and saying you're awful, and snap out of it, and just get over it, which I think is probably how this post came off to you? I'm not sure, but... I'm not sure if I can properly explain it. I think it's awful, to be in that state of mind. I mean, god, clearly, fucking duh, it's awful, you want to die and think everyone will be better off. I'm just.... GAH.

Let's see. I'm not saying it's your fault int hat it's something you've done. I'm saying it's no one elses fault. At some point in your life you began to have your own thoughts and those became seperate from other people's. I don't know the exact science or brain chemistry etc that puts you int he head space, if it's situational or if you're predisposed or if it's hereditary or... whatever, there's so many ways that people get to that position, but...

I mean it less in that it's "your fault" and more in that "you can't blame anyone else but the fucked up part of your brain that thinks this is a valid choice."

Because I tend to think of it as a seperate entity. I don't even think it's you or whatever, I kind of think of it as somewhat of the same thing that someone with an addiction. Mentally, intellectually, you understand one thing, but there's that thing inside your brain going poke, poke, poke.

And not being someone that's ever truly contemplated suicide aside from the "just had a fight with someone I bet they'd be sorry if I ran my truck off the road" sort of fleeing thought that I never actually followed through on... I really know fuckall about what the fuck I'm talking about if i try to come at it from the POV of the person committing suicide.

And maybe that's the thing. Maybe I am incapable of wrapping my brain around it, because to me... if there are bad people doing/saying bad things to you, hurting you in whatever way, you... get away. You remove yourself from the situation. And if it's yourself, you seek help. That seems logical to me.

I do however understand that perhaps the thing that makes you want to, the urge, the whatever you want to call it, makes logic irrelevant. Or I assume it does.

So, I just, I whole heartedly apologize for my posting having upset you. I came from a place of anger towards the news casters and really didn't stop to think to explain where I was coming from on other fronts.

That, PLUS, my personal experience with suicide came from an alcaholic/drug addict, so my views may be tied more into "you put yourself there" because of that, rather than an actual brain chemistry predisposition towards depression and suicidal tendancies, because it absolutely blows my mind that you, as a person IN therapy, AND taking medicines, would STILL feel that way. I'm not saying I don't believe you at all, I'm saying I don't understand.... and have a feeling that I couldn't, unless I was that same very way.

[ariadne83]

In my case it's a mix of heredity/genetics (every woman on my mother's side of the family going back five generations has struggled with depression/intrusive thoughts; my mother had suicidal impulses when my older sister was a baby), environment (my mother-in-law died very suddenly last year) and fucked-up biochemistry (from a history of a/ being physically abused and a child and b/ going through the hormonal upheaval of a miscarriage, shortly after my mother-in-law died). The perfect storm for my brain to go: Fuck it! I give up!

I'm doing a hell of a lot better now, after 16 months of meds and therapy.

I do however understand that perhaps the thing that makes you want to, the urge, the whatever you want to call it, makes logic irrelevant. Or I assume it does.

That's pretty much it. Logically I knew that my thinking was wrong, and logically I knew I needed help... but the impulse wouldn't go away. Fortunately I was still in control *enough* to ask my husband to take my sleeping pills away from me and flush them down the toilet, since I couldn't do it myself and I was fixated on using them as an escape.

I do understand that you didn't mean it that way *hugs*

[kho]

Fuck, I'm really just sorry.