What is a man?
It has been so long since I actually sat down at the computer that I cannot say it is really fair that I start picking it up now and yet....I feel the need to. I have found something that was lost to me, a journal that I could not find and simply have stumbled across it once more in my own meanderings in searching for meaning that I see in a way what has gone on and yet in others I have been left to be only more confused than before. I suppose I should explain.
My constant companion, my consort, the man at my side, my man at arms....left on monday shattering my world with contradictions and words that were truly not following his actions and not even following the tenor of what he was trying to say. All I have and can grasp onto are the words, things that I should do, am doing, and shall continue to do in the hope that the life that he had been yearning for, the disappearances of a week at a time and his life in his own hands somehow brings him back here once more. I know that this is how he used to live back when he was on his own, living his life as a single man against the world and all that was facing against him in Divine plan, and yet I am left here crushed as he predicted. Do I latch onto the idea that truly he was trying to tear us apart or do I look at the tears he was shedding, the meaning that he did love me when he said it and even more so in his journal when his continued care and worry over my emotions was so apparent that he was not so much trying to distance himself from me as he was trying to distance himself from this life here.
I do accept of course that some of this is my fault, that I should not have been trying to distract him from his goals if it was not what he was wanting and furthermore should not have been doing anything that would have caused him distress and let him enjoy whatever time he has left....and yet I worried over the quality of his life. Is it so wrong that I wanted to make sure that he was enjoying himself and not obsessing so much over the implications of all that was going on in his writings and the world that he was pulling over himself? We both buried our lives in worlds of the cybernetic and pixels and lost touch (or at least I did) with what was truly important and it leaves me in the place that I am now. The group of people I found myself dedicated to online I detached from completely because it had ceased to be a form of entertainment and turned into something that was gnawing away at my psyche and my life as a whole and I just...I cannot allow that to be my reality. Not when my eyes have been opened and I see the state that the life around me had been left in.
In the past few days I have done more crying than I ever thought possible, and yet I find myself almost completely disconnected from anyone that is supposed to be comforting at this moment that -should- be. While my friends here, especially my biggest one, have helped me with picking up the pieces and trying to get my life here straightened out so that when (because that is my hope and I can't place myself right now in the mindset that he isn't...I must cling onto hope) he comes back he sees the changes are for the better and how much he was truly missed. I know a part of him wanted so badly just to throw off the chains of whatever oppression he was feeling and just travel but I am hoping that is truly not the case and that if he looks back for just one moment....he will see that he is turning into that same man that he so very much despised. Last year he had a friend who truly was living his happy ending and threw it all away with no real rhyme or reason and yet here in that same space my consort has thrown himself into the wind and would be reviled still by those very same who reviled his 'once brother'. This much I hope he can see.
The computer that sounds like a jet engine at night has been a thrumming solace to me, a noise that has been so constant in my mind that it is soothing in helping me sleep. The smell of him still clings to his pillows and clothing that I have it in the bed, wrapped around Pooky and clinging it to me at night as if to try and bring him a bit closer to me once more. I love him in ways I cannot describe nor fathom and the idea of just throwing away so very many years together when we depended upon one another for so much seems so radical...and even worse that he would do so without a word. Supposedly there were signs, subtle hints that this was going to happening and yet chided me so very often that I was not to expect him to be able to read my mind...it is frustrating that he was relying on the same mechanic in hoping that I would do the same. In hindsight now that I know that they were supposed to be signs I can see them but they are only halfhearted at best and have other motives behind them as well. Sleep is something deep and exhausting and only finds me waking up in more pain than the previous day. The ointment that was once rubbed into my back by my consort, I cannot seem to get into my own back myself...and I have no one to lean on in that respect when it comes to the end of the day. Medication though I wish to take it and have it ease my mind, I do not want or yearn for the fog that it would put me in (though that could just be me wallowing). And it seems today that I have awoken with a cold.
With my consort's lack of presence explained, I am left with trying to understand the goings on of the Bunny. I understand that the great Divine plan was to get us to him (The Consort and I (and in hindsight Divine Plan's should not be based on the supposed want of getting me closer to my family so that you could let me go during all of the hubris)) has fallen to the wayside and the Bunny is left floundering. Suffering from his own depression long onset before this ever happened he has taken to self centered stances on everything and in looking back they are the same stances and viewpoints that he has always kept and stuck by and would be never changing though so much was being done for his comfort. That is not how this works. Instead of being a comfort he has settled into his own depression and instead of being supportive has been circling the drain of his own self pity. Apparently this distance between The Consort and myself has more to do with him and less to do with us...or I could just be seeing this from the perspective of a broken heart yearning to mend, a back that aches and finds no relief and the continuous onset of symptoms suffered that The Consort himself was going through and feeling them settle in and take a hold of me. So instead of being left with one shoulder to lean on....I have one, but it is not the shoulder that it should be.
And with the visit of one of his family I see a deeper connection I suppose to his leaving, and am left with the hopes that I am desperately clinging to. That somewhere through the rubble of the crumbling relationship on his side that there are some vestiges that are worth him trying to come back and pick up the pieces and make everything alright again. I know that he has to want that too, but can he really throw so many years away so quickly? Time will tell...but for now I get the feeling that I am utterly alone and have nothing but my friends to support me. Life looms ahead and I have no way of taking things into grasp because all options of monetary means were taken away so quickly that it shook me to my very core. It has only been three days and the tears are fresh in my eyes, still sting and my heart just yearns to hear his voice again. My body aches so that I could feel him near me once more and to see that silly smile on his face. It is a love that was forged on an instant, ready to last a lifetime no matter what we faced...I can see his side...I am just hoping that he can see mine as well.
My constant companion, my consort, the man at my side, my man at arms....left on monday shattering my world with contradictions and words that were truly not following his actions and not even following the tenor of what he was trying to say. All I have and can grasp onto are the words, things that I should do, am doing, and shall continue to do in the hope that the life that he had been yearning for, the disappearances of a week at a time and his life in his own hands somehow brings him back here once more. I know that this is how he used to live back when he was on his own, living his life as a single man against the world and all that was facing against him in Divine plan, and yet I am left here crushed as he predicted. Do I latch onto the idea that truly he was trying to tear us apart or do I look at the tears he was shedding, the meaning that he did love me when he said it and even more so in his journal when his continued care and worry over my emotions was so apparent that he was not so much trying to distance himself from me as he was trying to distance himself from this life here.
I do accept of course that some of this is my fault, that I should not have been trying to distract him from his goals if it was not what he was wanting and furthermore should not have been doing anything that would have caused him distress and let him enjoy whatever time he has left....and yet I worried over the quality of his life. Is it so wrong that I wanted to make sure that he was enjoying himself and not obsessing so much over the implications of all that was going on in his writings and the world that he was pulling over himself? We both buried our lives in worlds of the cybernetic and pixels and lost touch (or at least I did) with what was truly important and it leaves me in the place that I am now. The group of people I found myself dedicated to online I detached from completely because it had ceased to be a form of entertainment and turned into something that was gnawing away at my psyche and my life as a whole and I just...I cannot allow that to be my reality. Not when my eyes have been opened and I see the state that the life around me had been left in.
In the past few days I have done more crying than I ever thought possible, and yet I find myself almost completely disconnected from anyone that is supposed to be comforting at this moment that -should- be. While my friends here, especially my biggest one, have helped me with picking up the pieces and trying to get my life here straightened out so that when (because that is my hope and I can't place myself right now in the mindset that he isn't...I must cling onto hope) he comes back he sees the changes are for the better and how much he was truly missed. I know a part of him wanted so badly just to throw off the chains of whatever oppression he was feeling and just travel but I am hoping that is truly not the case and that if he looks back for just one moment....he will see that he is turning into that same man that he so very much despised. Last year he had a friend who truly was living his happy ending and threw it all away with no real rhyme or reason and yet here in that same space my consort has thrown himself into the wind and would be reviled still by those very same who reviled his 'once brother'. This much I hope he can see.
The computer that sounds like a jet engine at night has been a thrumming solace to me, a noise that has been so constant in my mind that it is soothing in helping me sleep. The smell of him still clings to his pillows and clothing that I have it in the bed, wrapped around Pooky and clinging it to me at night as if to try and bring him a bit closer to me once more. I love him in ways I cannot describe nor fathom and the idea of just throwing away so very many years together when we depended upon one another for so much seems so radical...and even worse that he would do so without a word. Supposedly there were signs, subtle hints that this was going to happening and yet chided me so very often that I was not to expect him to be able to read my mind...it is frustrating that he was relying on the same mechanic in hoping that I would do the same. In hindsight now that I know that they were supposed to be signs I can see them but they are only halfhearted at best and have other motives behind them as well. Sleep is something deep and exhausting and only finds me waking up in more pain than the previous day. The ointment that was once rubbed into my back by my consort, I cannot seem to get into my own back myself...and I have no one to lean on in that respect when it comes to the end of the day. Medication though I wish to take it and have it ease my mind, I do not want or yearn for the fog that it would put me in (though that could just be me wallowing). And it seems today that I have awoken with a cold.
With my consort's lack of presence explained, I am left with trying to understand the goings on of the Bunny. I understand that the great Divine plan was to get us to him (The Consort and I (and in hindsight Divine Plan's should not be based on the supposed want of getting me closer to my family so that you could let me go during all of the hubris)) has fallen to the wayside and the Bunny is left floundering. Suffering from his own depression long onset before this ever happened he has taken to self centered stances on everything and in looking back they are the same stances and viewpoints that he has always kept and stuck by and would be never changing though so much was being done for his comfort. That is not how this works. Instead of being a comfort he has settled into his own depression and instead of being supportive has been circling the drain of his own self pity. Apparently this distance between The Consort and myself has more to do with him and less to do with us...or I could just be seeing this from the perspective of a broken heart yearning to mend, a back that aches and finds no relief and the continuous onset of symptoms suffered that The Consort himself was going through and feeling them settle in and take a hold of me. So instead of being left with one shoulder to lean on....I have one, but it is not the shoulder that it should be.
And with the visit of one of his family I see a deeper connection I suppose to his leaving, and am left with the hopes that I am desperately clinging to. That somewhere through the rubble of the crumbling relationship on his side that there are some vestiges that are worth him trying to come back and pick up the pieces and make everything alright again. I know that he has to want that too, but can he really throw so many years away so quickly? Time will tell...but for now I get the feeling that I am utterly alone and have nothing but my friends to support me. Life looms ahead and I have no way of taking things into grasp because all options of monetary means were taken away so quickly that it shook me to my very core. It has only been three days and the tears are fresh in my eyes, still sting and my heart just yearns to hear his voice again. My body aches so that I could feel him near me once more and to see that silly smile on his face. It is a love that was forged on an instant, ready to last a lifetime no matter what we faced...I can see his side...I am just hoping that he can see mine as well.