My first fandumb induced headache, oh joy
Long time lurker, first time poster, but oh God.
Oh God, youse guys.
I think I've found the mother of all badfic. D:
Thirteen chapters of the worst character rape I have yet to see perpetrated against Luxord and Lexaeus (maybe I just haven't read enough badfic, but if it gets worse than this, I don't want to know).
So, in some fit of sheer genius, I decided to dive into The Pit in search of badfic (yeah I know, WTF was I thinking there, I must have been high or something) to spork, something small for practice and a few giggles among some close friends.
Instead, I found this gem. I saw the summary, Another one about Luxy. Axel has deep feelings for him, but Luxord just won't understand at all. Lexaeus happens to have feelings for him as well, and who will Luxord choose, if he chooses? Other relationships in story too. R&R please. M for later, and I thought "Hey neat, someone remembered Luxord exists and paired him with Lexaeus, one of my many poor neglected favorite pairings. Also love triangle, that's always good." How silly of me, AMIRITE? At the very worst I thought I'd find it laughably bad and get some giggles cracking jokes.
The pain. I swear there were parts where I almost died from being unable to breathe through the whatthefuckery. If I hadn't had Trilies to comfort me with fic and art, it's very likely I would be a raving madwoman at this moment.
For those of you not crazy/masochistic enough to click the link, I'll give you a quick rundown laundry list of what is so very wrong with this fic:
-For some reason, Xemnas has started running the Organization like it's a boarding school or something; meals are taken at appointed times in the cafeteria, complete with salad bar--better not be late, Xemnas sure hates it when people are late to breakfast. D:
-Ultra fluffy to the kitten power 4/11 UGH WHY FLUFFY WHAT NO, and it even has a side dish of Spineless!Vexen and I-Only-Hurt-You-Cause-I-Love-You!Marluxia. WEEPING MY SOUL IS WEEPING.
-Xaldin as a shy, stuttering, blushing uke who is confused by Xemnas's advances because he's "just Number III and so not good/hawt enough for Xemnas"
-Xemnas is just, creepy possessive controlling in love with Xaldin, which is somewhat in character but not anywhere near how it should be properly executed, like, he shouldn't be grabbing Xal's crotch in the 'TV room' and shouldn't be playing footsie at breakfast and CALLING HIM BABY WHAT THE MOTHERFUCK, NO. MY BRAIN. OW. WHY?
-They have a bus. Yes. A bus. That they use to go on fieldtrips "missions" to art museums where they split into pairs and write up research reports. D:
-Luxord, for some idiot reason, makes a bet with Lexaeus. This would be fine, except the terms for him losing were pretending to be in love with Axel, and becoming Lexaeus’s sex-slave lest Lexaeus go rape poor defenseless woobie Demyx. Riiiiight. Because Luxord would totally make a bet like that, and would totally lose, and would totally put up with the chauvinistic macho-man slap-on-the-ass abusive bullshit, and would totally be all "ONOES DON'T HURT MY ABUSER, I LOVE HIM EVEN THOUGH HE IS A DICK WITH NO REDEEMING QUALITIES!" Which really, coming from Lexaeus, breaks my soul. Lexaeus is honestly the only guy in the Organization who probably wouldn't totally fuck you over at the drop of a hat. D: He is not a roidraging possessive douche. HUGGHGHGHGH you can tell this bothers me greatly.
-Apparently "Saïx" now sounds like "Hidack", though I really have no idea how the hell that works. :/ I wanted desperately to hope this was some other language thing I just didn't get, but the author is from the US, so.
-Where are Larxene and Roxas? Seriously, I would kill to even see fandumb's hag-bitch Larxene in this, because SOMEONE needs to smack the shit out of these imposters. And Roxas just doesn't exist, probably because he'd get in the way of Axel angsting like a retarded puppy after Luxord.
-There is an interesting paradox going on here, with Zexion being invisible instead of Lexaeus. Probably because he's so outraged at the character rape perpetrated against Lexaeus that he snuck out of the fic to hunt for the author and beat them soundly with his Lexicon.
-Demyx and Saïx as the Organization matchmakers. While I like to think of Demyx as a nice, friendly sort of guy, I just don't see him helping Axel to get into Luxord's pants, trying to cheer up despondent!Saïx by finding out if Xigbar likes him back (Check Yes, No, or Maybe! Tee hee!). And do I even have to say what's so very, very wrong with Saïx matchmaking Vexen and Bella Swan Marluxia? D:
-Oh, yeah, I didn't tell you that "Marlu" and "Vexie" have a spat, Vexen sleeps with some random dude he just met, and Marluxia turns into Bella Swan, moping about the castle? Yeah.
-ridiculous sex talk, like "Oh... yes... fill me with your essence, claim me again..." Honestly, who talks like that during sex IRL? I hope no one I ever sleep with talks like that, it's a definite mood killer because it's ridiculous. D: Also the speed with which Lexaeus and Luxord transitioned from buttsexing to playing Go Fish (the time it took Axel to kick in the door) leads me to hope deep in my heart that they're just playing a huge practical joke on everyone. Please? Please, let it be so? Please let them be snickering behind their hands as they make the bed creak and Luxord moans forth lines that would make even a porno script author headdesk?
-If Axel tried to rape Luxord, Luxord would not flail about screaming for Lexaeus to come save him. He would kick. Axel's. ass. >:[
-I'm not saying that Saïx couldn't have a thing for Xigbar (it's crack enough that I like the idea *shrug*) but he certainly wouldn't go beastmode on Xaldin every time he so much as looked at Xigbar.
-Why...why in the name of Tetsuya Nomura would Xemnas send Xaldin on a mission to tame a lion for "The Zoo Committee"?!?!?! And then you made Xaldin cry, and he's afraid of thunderstorms? D: Fanbrat, I am this close to crying blood, is that what you want?!
That's all I can bear to recall at this point, not even mentioning a whole scene that Trilies had to rewrite just to get me off the ledge. And all of this with of course the customary bad spelling and grammar. I still marvel that I survived it. This fic fills me with so much wrath that if I were a holy being I could harness it to destroy the world.
Seriously fanbrats, I know you ignore Lexaeus and Luxord most of the time, but if this is what you do when you remember they exist, please, please, for the love of all that is holy and good and sacred, forget about them, wipe them from your minds. Reading this, it was hard not to break my own fingers just to have some different pain to focus on. I don't know if maybe I got angrier at this fic than was warranted just because Luxord holds a special place in my heart, but fanbrats, if you're going to do Luxord and Lexaeus, there are a few things you ought to know.
Luxord: He's a bastard, he's manly, and he’s confident, maybe even cocky. He's a man with class. He is not some defenseless, whimpering, virginal blushing uke who would put up with this shit. Cards and dice aren't his only weapons--the man controls. time. You seriously don't want to go around slapping him on the ass and abusing him, not unless you want to wind up as a baby, an old geezer, facing off against Dinosaurs, or stuck frozen like you're playing permanent freeze tag. In my mind the only person who can make Luxord their bitch (and willingly, at that) is Larxene, because we all know that she just dominates.
Lexaeus: I'm not as familiar with writing Lexaeus as I am with Luxord, but the man is a scientist, a scholar, a thinker. He's BFFs with that guy you forgot about, Zexion? The really, really sneaky smart one? The one who would just as soon mindfuck your hideous parody of Lexaeus as look at him? Lexaeus is called the Silent Hero for a reason. He doesn't strike me as the type to say anything without a reason or purpose, and definitely isn't an abusive showoff. He solves puzzles in his spare time and is BFFs with Zexion, I think he'd be more subtle than, "Pssh, please. I pretty much fuck him every night, Axel. I'm surprised you don't hear his screams." KID YOU NOT, YOUSE GUYS, DIRECT FROM FIC. Also, while I will admit there wasn't any actual rape, IMO forcing someone through a bet to be your sex-slave is so very, very rapey. D:
TL;DR: Luxord is not a wibbly virginal uke who would just sit through abuse, and Lexaeus is not an arrogant rapist dickhead. :/
I don't know where the fanbrats come up with this stuff, I mean, did I watch the wrong cutscenes or something?
Please, please, some brave sainted soul, spork this into oblivion? Or just be my mercy angel and kill me. I already promised the soul of my firstborn to Trilies, but if you want the souls of any other kids I have, I'd be glad to give, just for that sweet release from agony. D:
Oh God, youse guys.
I think I've found the mother of all badfic. D:
Thirteen chapters of the worst character rape I have yet to see perpetrated against Luxord and Lexaeus (maybe I just haven't read enough badfic, but if it gets worse than this, I don't want to know).
So, in some fit of sheer genius, I decided to dive into The Pit in search of badfic (yeah I know, WTF was I thinking there, I must have been high or something) to spork, something small for practice and a few giggles among some close friends.
Instead, I found this gem. I saw the summary, Another one about Luxy. Axel has deep feelings for him, but Luxord just won't understand at all. Lexaeus happens to have feelings for him as well, and who will Luxord choose, if he chooses? Other relationships in story too. R&R please. M for later, and I thought "Hey neat, someone remembered Luxord exists and paired him with Lexaeus, one of my many poor neglected favorite pairings. Also love triangle, that's always good." How silly of me, AMIRITE? At the very worst I thought I'd find it laughably bad and get some giggles cracking jokes.
The pain. I swear there were parts where I almost died from being unable to breathe through the whatthefuckery. If I hadn't had Trilies to comfort me with fic and art, it's very likely I would be a raving madwoman at this moment.
For those of you not crazy/masochistic enough to click the link, I'll give you a quick rundown laundry list of what is so very wrong with this fic:
-For some reason, Xemnas has started running the Organization like it's a boarding school or something; meals are taken at appointed times in the cafeteria, complete with salad bar--better not be late, Xemnas sure hates it when people are late to breakfast. D:
-Ultra fluffy to the kitten power 4/11 UGH WHY FLUFFY WHAT NO, and it even has a side dish of Spineless!Vexen and I-Only-Hurt-You-Cause-I-Love-You!Marluxia. WEEPING MY SOUL IS WEEPING.
-Xaldin as a shy, stuttering, blushing uke who is confused by Xemnas's advances because he's "just Number III and so not good/hawt enough for Xemnas"
-Xemnas is just, creepy possessive controlling in love with Xaldin, which is somewhat in character but not anywhere near how it should be properly executed, like, he shouldn't be grabbing Xal's crotch in the 'TV room' and shouldn't be playing footsie at breakfast and CALLING HIM BABY WHAT THE MOTHERFUCK, NO. MY BRAIN. OW. WHY?
-They have a bus. Yes. A bus. That they use to go on fieldtrips "missions" to art museums where they split into pairs and write up research reports. D:
-Luxord, for some idiot reason, makes a bet with Lexaeus. This would be fine, except the terms for him losing were pretending to be in love with Axel, and becoming Lexaeus’s sex-slave lest Lexaeus go rape poor defenseless woobie Demyx. Riiiiight. Because Luxord would totally make a bet like that, and would totally lose, and would totally put up with the chauvinistic macho-man slap-on-the-ass abusive bullshit, and would totally be all "ONOES DON'T HURT MY ABUSER, I LOVE HIM EVEN THOUGH HE IS A DICK WITH NO REDEEMING QUALITIES!" Which really, coming from Lexaeus, breaks my soul. Lexaeus is honestly the only guy in the Organization who probably wouldn't totally fuck you over at the drop of a hat. D: He is not a roidraging possessive douche. HUGGHGHGHGH you can tell this bothers me greatly.
-Apparently "Saïx" now sounds like "Hidack", though I really have no idea how the hell that works. :/ I wanted desperately to hope this was some other language thing I just didn't get, but the author is from the US, so.
-Where are Larxene and Roxas? Seriously, I would kill to even see fandumb's hag-bitch Larxene in this, because SOMEONE needs to smack the shit out of these imposters. And Roxas just doesn't exist, probably because he'd get in the way of Axel angsting like a retarded puppy after Luxord.
-There is an interesting paradox going on here, with Zexion being invisible instead of Lexaeus. Probably because he's so outraged at the character rape perpetrated against Lexaeus that he snuck out of the fic to hunt for the author and beat them soundly with his Lexicon.
-Demyx and Saïx as the Organization matchmakers. While I like to think of Demyx as a nice, friendly sort of guy, I just don't see him helping Axel to get into Luxord's pants, trying to cheer up despondent!Saïx by finding out if Xigbar likes him back (Check Yes, No, or Maybe! Tee hee!). And do I even have to say what's so very, very wrong with Saïx matchmaking Vexen and Bella Swan Marluxia? D:
-Oh, yeah, I didn't tell you that "Marlu" and "Vexie" have a spat, Vexen sleeps with some random dude he just met, and Marluxia turns into Bella Swan, moping about the castle? Yeah.
-ridiculous sex talk, like "Oh... yes... fill me with your essence, claim me again..." Honestly, who talks like that during sex IRL? I hope no one I ever sleep with talks like that, it's a definite mood killer because it's ridiculous. D: Also the speed with which Lexaeus and Luxord transitioned from buttsexing to playing Go Fish (the time it took Axel to kick in the door) leads me to hope deep in my heart that they're just playing a huge practical joke on everyone. Please? Please, let it be so? Please let them be snickering behind their hands as they make the bed creak and Luxord moans forth lines that would make even a porno script author headdesk?
-If Axel tried to rape Luxord, Luxord would not flail about screaming for Lexaeus to come save him. He would kick. Axel's. ass. >:[
-I'm not saying that Saïx couldn't have a thing for Xigbar (it's crack enough that I like the idea *shrug*) but he certainly wouldn't go beastmode on Xaldin every time he so much as looked at Xigbar.
-Why...why in the name of Tetsuya Nomura would Xemnas send Xaldin on a mission to tame a lion for "The Zoo Committee"?!?!?! And then you made Xaldin cry, and he's afraid of thunderstorms? D: Fanbrat, I am this close to crying blood, is that what you want?!
That's all I can bear to recall at this point, not even mentioning a whole scene that Trilies had to rewrite just to get me off the ledge. And all of this with of course the customary bad spelling and grammar. I still marvel that I survived it. This fic fills me with so much wrath that if I were a holy being I could harness it to destroy the world.
Seriously fanbrats, I know you ignore Lexaeus and Luxord most of the time, but if this is what you do when you remember they exist, please, please, for the love of all that is holy and good and sacred, forget about them, wipe them from your minds. Reading this, it was hard not to break my own fingers just to have some different pain to focus on. I don't know if maybe I got angrier at this fic than was warranted just because Luxord holds a special place in my heart, but fanbrats, if you're going to do Luxord and Lexaeus, there are a few things you ought to know.
Luxord: He's a bastard, he's manly, and he’s confident, maybe even cocky. He's a man with class. He is not some defenseless, whimpering, virginal blushing uke who would put up with this shit. Cards and dice aren't his only weapons--the man controls. time. You seriously don't want to go around slapping him on the ass and abusing him, not unless you want to wind up as a baby, an old geezer, facing off against Dinosaurs, or stuck frozen like you're playing permanent freeze tag. In my mind the only person who can make Luxord their bitch (and willingly, at that) is Larxene, because we all know that she just dominates.
Lexaeus: I'm not as familiar with writing Lexaeus as I am with Luxord, but the man is a scientist, a scholar, a thinker. He's BFFs with that guy you forgot about, Zexion? The really, really sneaky smart one? The one who would just as soon mindfuck your hideous parody of Lexaeus as look at him? Lexaeus is called the Silent Hero for a reason. He doesn't strike me as the type to say anything without a reason or purpose, and definitely isn't an abusive showoff. He solves puzzles in his spare time and is BFFs with Zexion, I think he'd be more subtle than, "Pssh, please. I pretty much fuck him every night, Axel. I'm surprised you don't hear his screams." KID YOU NOT, YOUSE GUYS, DIRECT FROM FIC. Also, while I will admit there wasn't any actual rape, IMO forcing someone through a bet to be your sex-slave is so very, very rapey. D:
TL;DR: Luxord is not a wibbly virginal uke who would just sit through abuse, and Lexaeus is not an arrogant rapist dickhead. :/
I don't know where the fanbrats come up with this stuff, I mean, did I watch the wrong cutscenes or something?
Please, please, some brave sainted soul, spork this into oblivion? Or just be my mercy angel and kill me. I already promised the soul of my firstborn to Trilies, but if you want the souls of any other kids I have, I'd be glad to give, just for that sweet release from agony. D: