And so the jibbering continues from the blubbering mind...
So I lay here four hours later... hoping for more sleep but looks like that is not going to happen, hopeful that will not affect my driving, but then I have driven on worse.
I have come to realize that my timing was horrible, Tues-Fri? How am I suppose to do all that I would have liked to do with the friends I care about during a work week? Had I come up perhaps Wed-Sun that would have probably made the biggest difference. With the weekend there would have been more time to do things. Perhaps it is my fault, for not staying in touch better... I had not seen these people in four years and expected too much of them I suppose. I did have fun, but I did want to spend some individual time with each and everyone of them. I cannot ask them to drop everything for such time, perhaps I was hoping that they would have set something aside for me, but that would be rather egotistical of me to assume that.
Flip side of the coin of that perhaps it was because I knew I had not stayed in touch well enough I was hoping for those individual times to really connect and catch up with them. Perhaps I should have been more vocal about it, but then I did not want to be selfish or a push-over, maybe I should have... I suppose it did not help that I was told that I would make people uncomfortable and looking back I did or at least to me it seemed I did make at least one person feel that way. It felt like I was being avoided, but I am hoping that is not the case. This over everything makes me very sad. I did not want that, I just wanted to make more good fun memories and have a good time, and to connect better just like I wanted to better connect with everyone else.
I cannot deny that I am a bit crushed and jealous. Crushed when I hear stories of things already done that were planned and suppose to be done upon my visit, but never were. Jealous when I see how I see everyone react when someone else is going to visit, I wonder if that is how they react, but then I think if they did react that way then wouldn't we have spent time that time together.
Still I understand though I am not the center of anyone's world. I also understand that everyone has a life, work, personal matters to attend to. Still is it so wrong to ask that my side be understood? To spend some time with each and everyone individually and reconnect and create a stronger friendship? Then again my fault for coming in at the wrong time and not making my intentions clear enough I suppose.
Perhaps I should not have expected such a thing to happen especially when I have been out of touch for years, but it would have been nice. Still how else am I suppose to fix that, isn't this suppose to be the way? Or is there a better one?
I have come to realize that my timing was horrible, Tues-Fri? How am I suppose to do all that I would have liked to do with the friends I care about during a work week? Had I come up perhaps Wed-Sun that would have probably made the biggest difference. With the weekend there would have been more time to do things. Perhaps it is my fault, for not staying in touch better... I had not seen these people in four years and expected too much of them I suppose. I did have fun, but I did want to spend some individual time with each and everyone of them. I cannot ask them to drop everything for such time, perhaps I was hoping that they would have set something aside for me, but that would be rather egotistical of me to assume that.
Flip side of the coin of that perhaps it was because I knew I had not stayed in touch well enough I was hoping for those individual times to really connect and catch up with them. Perhaps I should have been more vocal about it, but then I did not want to be selfish or a push-over, maybe I should have... I suppose it did not help that I was told that I would make people uncomfortable and looking back I did or at least to me it seemed I did make at least one person feel that way. It felt like I was being avoided, but I am hoping that is not the case. This over everything makes me very sad. I did not want that, I just wanted to make more good fun memories and have a good time, and to connect better just like I wanted to better connect with everyone else.
I cannot deny that I am a bit crushed and jealous. Crushed when I hear stories of things already done that were planned and suppose to be done upon my visit, but never were. Jealous when I see how I see everyone react when someone else is going to visit, I wonder if that is how they react, but then I think if they did react that way then wouldn't we have spent time that time together.
Still I understand though I am not the center of anyone's world. I also understand that everyone has a life, work, personal matters to attend to. Still is it so wrong to ask that my side be understood? To spend some time with each and everyone individually and reconnect and create a stronger friendship? Then again my fault for coming in at the wrong time and not making my intentions clear enough I suppose.
Perhaps I should not have expected such a thing to happen especially when I have been out of touch for years, but it would have been nice. Still how else am I suppose to fix that, isn't this suppose to be the way? Or is there a better one?