At first it was suppose to be a year in review, but now jibberish from a blubbering mind...
It is odd writing in this again since I don't use it anymore, but then again, it does have it's uses.
2009, 2009, 2009... an interesting year it has been?
As I sit here on this couch while everyone else lies asleep I find myself in a swirl of thoughts, memories, and emotions. This is not exactly a good thing since I should try to get a decent amount of sleep since my flight is later today and I should be departing here in about 12 hours or so. Although I wonder if I would be able to get any sleep at all with out expressing what is floating around in my mind.
At this same time last year I was a few months into a new job, living in a pretty good apartment, and in a steady relationship. Now I find myself in a new apartment still with the same job, but single, and wonder to myself am I happy? I know what happiness is because I felt that four years ago when last I was here visiting this family. Now this go around I feel... something I do now want to feel... every time I felt this way I said good-bye to a lot of people... the kind of good-bye that is fairly permanent... I seem to have a nasty habit of doing that... some how alienating people or alienating myself from a group. What sucks the most is that there should be no logical reason that I can foresee to do such a thing... everyone here is happy from what I can tell. Or perhaps it is because they are happy and I do not wish to disrupt or taint or take away from that? I suppose that would be the best option I do not like making people feel uncomfortable and yet somehow I do or I perceive that I am when I do not intend to or want to. Perhaps I should get my head examined...
I apologize to anyone reading this I am sure it sounds like raging or emoing or whatever you wish to call it. For me I have no anger, a bit of sadness, but definitely confusion. I just need to figure out my thoughts and figure out what I am doing and where I am going, because I have no bloody clue and I seem to be losing my drive and zest for life. I really do not know what else to say, but thoughts are all fleeting and swirling around me now and I just can't seem to make them coalesce and be coherent. So for now I suppose I will have to let them be and let life take it's course to see what will come of it.
2009, 2009, 2009... an interesting year it has been?
As I sit here on this couch while everyone else lies asleep I find myself in a swirl of thoughts, memories, and emotions. This is not exactly a good thing since I should try to get a decent amount of sleep since my flight is later today and I should be departing here in about 12 hours or so. Although I wonder if I would be able to get any sleep at all with out expressing what is floating around in my mind.
At this same time last year I was a few months into a new job, living in a pretty good apartment, and in a steady relationship. Now I find myself in a new apartment still with the same job, but single, and wonder to myself am I happy? I know what happiness is because I felt that four years ago when last I was here visiting this family. Now this go around I feel... something I do now want to feel... every time I felt this way I said good-bye to a lot of people... the kind of good-bye that is fairly permanent... I seem to have a nasty habit of doing that... some how alienating people or alienating myself from a group. What sucks the most is that there should be no logical reason that I can foresee to do such a thing... everyone here is happy from what I can tell. Or perhaps it is because they are happy and I do not wish to disrupt or taint or take away from that? I suppose that would be the best option I do not like making people feel uncomfortable and yet somehow I do or I perceive that I am when I do not intend to or want to. Perhaps I should get my head examined...
I apologize to anyone reading this I am sure it sounds like raging or emoing or whatever you wish to call it. For me I have no anger, a bit of sadness, but definitely confusion. I just need to figure out my thoughts and figure out what I am doing and where I am going, because I have no bloody clue and I seem to be losing my drive and zest for life. I really do not know what else to say, but thoughts are all fleeting and swirling around me now and I just can't seem to make them coalesce and be coherent. So for now I suppose I will have to let them be and let life take it's course to see what will come of it.