The Death And Rebirth....
The title of this one is kinda interesting. It describes what's goin on in my life right now!! The person I used to be is slowly dying. And I'm becoming a new person. But much is stayin the same. Sometimes you gotta take a look at yourself and figure out what the malfunction is, then you gotta fix it. There comes a point when you get tired of the same bullshit!! You get tired of bangin your head on the same wall, over and over again!!!. I hate the idea of change but when its needed you just do it . Its way past time for me to let a lot of things go, so I can move on and be a better person!! I had big plans for myself but they never seem to work. All this bitterness that I let build up has to go. Some people in my life have to go. Most of them to be exact and there are no exceptions!!! That process has been goin on for a while, lol. There are somethings I have to do and I'm not gonna like them but its for the best!! I always say that I quit but I never really mean it!! But this time I quit!! I quit and I mean it!! I should of did that a long time ago. I'm done lookin for someone to be with and care about me and love me the way I care about them and love them. I'm done callin, done trying to convince him that we could be together and have it work out, done feeling the way I feel about him, not saying those feelings aren't there, they just will be ignored. Something I recently learned how to do, I don't let them hold me back!! For one there's no point in lettin that happen and he certainly doesn't let what feelings he has stop him!! Done asking questions when I know I won't like the answer!! Done banging my head against the wall time and time again. Done being second. Done holdin on to somethin I know won't happen. Done hoping it will happen. Done tellin my self it will happen. I'm working on not bein mad at my father for never bein around. I know that ones not gonna be easy. Done caring what my mother thinks not that I really ever did but Now I don't care at all. In a way she is partially responsible for me loosing the one thing I wanted!!!! On more than one ocassion!! Funny, right. Well on that note she's done having control of where I go, who I'm with, or when I drive. Its been time for me to be in control bof my own life. I'm not even gonna hold anything against her!! I'm just done with her. I'll call on holidays and her birthday, check on her every once and a while but there is no relationship beyond that!! I'm not holding any grudges! I'm fairly sure I'm gonna be starting a new life all together. After all there's nothin left for me in Michigan!! But a few family members and friends!! LOL, Anyway, I got a lot of thinkin to do still and more about this subject.........