(no subject)
i am writing this for myself, because the only person i talked about this with is my roomate...i had a breakdown today, but i'll start at the begining...which goes back to like winter...i got really close with a friend from school. he and i hung out everyday. he knew when i was trying to hide the fact that i was upset. it was a comfort i loved having around. well his girlfriend and him broke up and he was a mess...they dated for quite some time, i wanna say three years. well she didnt like me in the first place, because i stayed the night there a lot, but it was always on the futon no worries. lol. well one night i stayed in his bed, but we didnt do anything, then it happened again, and well you know stuff happened. ...and again..and again. anyways, then his girlfriend and him got back together...so i was out, and i drifted myself because i fell for him. so months went by, and two weeks ago i moved back to school. he kissed me at our party on saturday the day after i moved in, but he was still dating her. they broke up the next day. then this past monday he came over and slept in my bed with me, and then again last night. well we had sex last night. yeah woop de doo...but now its awkward, so basically i fucked with my own head because now i like him and there's really nothing i can do about it. i dont want to tell him i like him because then that's gonna go nowhere for sure. so anyways, it was something that felt so right at the time, but then all day ive been tearing up and i hate that feeling. i dont understand why i do this to myself and why i keep fucking up in the guy department...agh i need help. i really really need help, but i think what i need to do first is stop drinking because when i drink seems to be when things like this happen. so i need to fix this hole myself