In which I vacillate
Sometimes I feel like the most spoiled of the privileged kids, trying to figure my life out, talking about how I can't figure out which of my nearly infinitely available options I want. But then I remember again and again and again that I only have infinite options because I have deliberately chosen to see the world that way, and I could just as easily choose to see myself as someone who left home due to a crisis, and has run my bank account down and maxed out my credit cards putting myself in the safest most loving places I know, and now I have no idea what to do next. I am absolutely fortunate, blessed even, because I have built my safety net in a different way than many, with threads of amazing friendships. I know amazing people, I love amazing people and they (you) love me back and are kind and giving and I owe them (you) so so much and I do wish I had a better way to reconcile the way they (you) are all over the world, but I am so so grateful that when I fall they (you) are there to catch me and the most important thing right now is to put myself in a position where I am prepared to give back. Because I've needed this, this last six+ months. It's been amazing (although I am now overusing that word) in so many ways, and healed many things inside my psyche, helped me take some pieces out, blow the dust off of them and stick them back in more properly seated.
And yet I also still feel like a ball of unanswered questions. Right now I feel like a yoyo at the bottom of the drop, spinning, sleeping, waiting for the upwards jerk. Or like a comet out in the Oort, weightless for a second before being drawn inexorably back by the gravity of the sun. That point where the tide stops coming in and begins to recede. I still don't know what comes next. I am waiting for the path, for the pull to become clear.
I feel like my friends and chosen family are the wind in my sails, but I wonder if I have a rudder. I have always been averse to anchors, to being tied down, but I am beginning to wonder if I should tie myself to *something*. All around me I see people making different choices, putting down roots, creating stability, tying themselves to people, houses, schools, jobs. And those are good, valuable life choices. But they have not been my life choices. I am considering if I should make them my life choices, or rather how to make them my life choices, but it is a little like a foreign language. But there's not a lot of people around that speak my language, I don't have a lot of role models for 'wanderer', or especially the intersection of 'wanderer' with 'good friend'. My ties right now are a hundred points of light spread across the globe and that's the light I'm navigating by, but to where I have no idea. Second star to the right and straight on 'til morning?
There is a lot I have learned, in the last six months, about the value and the practice of living in the moment, but there is also a great deal of value in building a future. And maybe it's all about the balance. The ebb and the flow, the taking and the giving, the falling and the rising back up, the going and the returning, the ending and the beginning, the short term and the long term, the freedom and the stability. Sometimes you just have to go with it and keep going...tails, fins, oars going back and forth, up and down. Eventually you'll get *somewhere*, right?
My metaphors are all over the place, but maybe you know what I mean, if only because you know me.
And yet I also still feel like a ball of unanswered questions. Right now I feel like a yoyo at the bottom of the drop, spinning, sleeping, waiting for the upwards jerk. Or like a comet out in the Oort, weightless for a second before being drawn inexorably back by the gravity of the sun. That point where the tide stops coming in and begins to recede. I still don't know what comes next. I am waiting for the path, for the pull to become clear.
I feel like my friends and chosen family are the wind in my sails, but I wonder if I have a rudder. I have always been averse to anchors, to being tied down, but I am beginning to wonder if I should tie myself to *something*. All around me I see people making different choices, putting down roots, creating stability, tying themselves to people, houses, schools, jobs. And those are good, valuable life choices. But they have not been my life choices. I am considering if I should make them my life choices, or rather how to make them my life choices, but it is a little like a foreign language. But there's not a lot of people around that speak my language, I don't have a lot of role models for 'wanderer', or especially the intersection of 'wanderer' with 'good friend'. My ties right now are a hundred points of light spread across the globe and that's the light I'm navigating by, but to where I have no idea. Second star to the right and straight on 'til morning?
There is a lot I have learned, in the last six months, about the value and the practice of living in the moment, but there is also a great deal of value in building a future. And maybe it's all about the balance. The ebb and the flow, the taking and the giving, the falling and the rising back up, the going and the returning, the ending and the beginning, the short term and the long term, the freedom and the stability. Sometimes you just have to go with it and keep going...tails, fins, oars going back and forth, up and down. Eventually you'll get *somewhere*, right?
My metaphors are all over the place, but maybe you know what I mean, if only because you know me.