Let's revisit some past lessons, shall we
This is an old post. By which I mean, the creation date on the file is 2009, from when I was working on quitting my job to go freelance, but I never actually posted it. It's pretty relevant to, oh, everything I do, though, especially when I am trying to figure out my life, which I apparently I don't ever actually stop doing. I've edited it for clarity and timeliness. (And it's worth pointing out that I recently did a thought experiment about returning to the 'me' of four years ago knowing everything I know now. And one of the big major things is that I would have quit the job I'm pondering about here as soon as feasibly possible rather than waiting as long as I actually did.)
I occasionally have conversations that involve me reciting a bit of my past, a 'where I've been and how I got to be here' sort of thing. And it seems the response to my tales is usually a 'wow, that's pretty cool.' And, well, yeah, a lot of it is, in retrospect. I've had some experiences I wouldn't trade for anything. But at the time it felt more like wild flailing. Hell, it felt like failing. And I think one of the blocks I had with my job situation (as in, leaving it for something new) is that I feel like I'm getting too old to flail. So I pondered if there was anything I could learn from my past that would help me better figure out my future. So at least I can....flail with style. Here's what I came up with.
1. I often fail semi-intentionally
Obviously everyone is somewhat capable of learning from their mistakes, but with me it's something of an artform. It's not like I go out of my way to mess up, but if there's something that can be flubbed, there is a high likelihood I will flub it. But then I won't ever make the same mistake again. So really, the more things I flub the first time, the better I am at a thing in the long run. This is related to the best way to learn your way around a place is to get lost in it.
In order to take full advantage of this, I have to not be afraid to make those mistakes. I've gotten much better over the years at mitigating the negative effects, but I am conscious of giving myself the freedom and permission to make a royal mess. If possible I like to do new things where no one can see me, because they don't always have the same understanding and appreciation for my learning process as I do. The end result here is that I am very tolerant of risk, because I know that not only 'even if' but *especially* if I fall flat on my face, I still end up ahead in the long run.
2. New experiences are more of a priority for me than security and comfort
There are pros and cons to both sides, of course. Valuing security, for example, is obviously much more important if you have a family depending on you. And I have a tendency to be dissatisfied with life, which eventually tends to lead to large violent life changes, where sometimes I throw the baby out with the bathwater and end up back at square one, so to speak, in certain key life areas. Sometimes I suffer miserably, and sometimes I end up leaning on the generosity of others more than perhaps I should. *But*, because of point one above, I rarely regret these actions in the long run, and when I have the resources I consider it my duty and my pride to be generous with others. In the end, I feel a life *lived* is better than a safe one. (As a wise man once said, ships in the harbor are safe, but that's not what ships are built for.)
3. When I dream, I dream big
This is partly because I enjoy a challenge, partly because I feel the world *needs* people with big dreams, and partly because I feel I have enormous potential that I've never quite lived up to. :) This, again, has its downside. It's easy to think I'm not doing so well when really I've just set unachievable goals, or to give up on doing something merely good because I want something great. But I'm conscious of this and compensate for it. Sometimes with goals that are artificially low. This gets me through the day to day, but never think for a moment that my true goal is anything less than world domination. In general, this motivates me to get out there and move in a direction, but also contributes to my feelings of dissatisfaction and unsettlement as mentioned above.
4. I angst a lot, but when I commit, I commit hard
I often have trouble making decisions. I waffle. I want to make sure I'm making the *right* choice, which seems in conflict with 1 and 2 above, but I think is actually critical to success. If I don't have full confidence in what I'm doing, I might get discouraged when things go wrong. But once I've decided, I *do* have full confidence in it, and I *move*, putting everything behind it. If I'm going to fail, I'd rather do so spectacularly, and not because I've half-assed it.
5. I like to leave my options open
In general, the world is not a big conspiracy theory. To the contrary, nobody really knows what's going on. If you can figure even a smidge of it out, you're doing better than most people. Some people respond to this by blatantly flim-flamming their way through it. Others become unassailable experts in a narrow field. But mostly I think it's about figuring out what you can do with the cards the universe presents to you. Luck is a big factor in success, but it's not so much about having the luck as *recognizing* the luck and jumping on it. Basically, even though I put my efforts behind the thing of the moment, I also am willing to change my mind, to be open to new experiences. Sometimes, this can leave me trying to have my hand in multiple cookie jars at once.
6. I am really good at managing my money.
There was going to be one on this list called 'people are surprisingly willing to give you a chance', but even though that's a valuable piece of information that affects life planning, it's not about *me* and this list is all about me. So there's this one instead. I don't really have much to say about it except that I am apparently better than average at living within my means, even if my 'means' are very slim, and at socking money away into the bank.
So what's the conclusion here? Well, I think it's that really, there's nothing wrong with 'flailing', for me. 'Flailing' is *how* I get to do cool stuff - they're possible inseparable. And so if there's something I want to do, I'm probably not going to regret just going and trying it, no matter what other people think, as long as I've thought it through. If it doesn't work out, or I want to do something else later, then I will go and do that thing then. There is a small chance that calamity may occur, but I call that 'adventure'.
Epiphany #1, which really came at a christmas party, talking to a perfect stranger, who mentioned how petrified she was of losing her job in a bad economy: I AM NOT AFRAID. I mean, sure, there's lots of stuff I'm afraid of, and some of it touches very close to this other stuff, but a lot of it is about other people - what people think of me, letting them down, messing their lives up. For myself? I am not afraid. And the amount of confidence I have is very very important.
I occasionally have conversations that involve me reciting a bit of my past, a 'where I've been and how I got to be here' sort of thing. And it seems the response to my tales is usually a 'wow, that's pretty cool.' And, well, yeah, a lot of it is, in retrospect. I've had some experiences I wouldn't trade for anything. But at the time it felt more like wild flailing. Hell, it felt like failing. And I think one of the blocks I had with my job situation (as in, leaving it for something new) is that I feel like I'm getting too old to flail. So I pondered if there was anything I could learn from my past that would help me better figure out my future. So at least I can....flail with style. Here's what I came up with.
1. I often fail semi-intentionally
Obviously everyone is somewhat capable of learning from their mistakes, but with me it's something of an artform. It's not like I go out of my way to mess up, but if there's something that can be flubbed, there is a high likelihood I will flub it. But then I won't ever make the same mistake again. So really, the more things I flub the first time, the better I am at a thing in the long run. This is related to the best way to learn your way around a place is to get lost in it.
In order to take full advantage of this, I have to not be afraid to make those mistakes. I've gotten much better over the years at mitigating the negative effects, but I am conscious of giving myself the freedom and permission to make a royal mess. If possible I like to do new things where no one can see me, because they don't always have the same understanding and appreciation for my learning process as I do. The end result here is that I am very tolerant of risk, because I know that not only 'even if' but *especially* if I fall flat on my face, I still end up ahead in the long run.
2. New experiences are more of a priority for me than security and comfort
There are pros and cons to both sides, of course. Valuing security, for example, is obviously much more important if you have a family depending on you. And I have a tendency to be dissatisfied with life, which eventually tends to lead to large violent life changes, where sometimes I throw the baby out with the bathwater and end up back at square one, so to speak, in certain key life areas. Sometimes I suffer miserably, and sometimes I end up leaning on the generosity of others more than perhaps I should. *But*, because of point one above, I rarely regret these actions in the long run, and when I have the resources I consider it my duty and my pride to be generous with others. In the end, I feel a life *lived* is better than a safe one. (As a wise man once said, ships in the harbor are safe, but that's not what ships are built for.)
3. When I dream, I dream big
This is partly because I enjoy a challenge, partly because I feel the world *needs* people with big dreams, and partly because I feel I have enormous potential that I've never quite lived up to. :) This, again, has its downside. It's easy to think I'm not doing so well when really I've just set unachievable goals, or to give up on doing something merely good because I want something great. But I'm conscious of this and compensate for it. Sometimes with goals that are artificially low. This gets me through the day to day, but never think for a moment that my true goal is anything less than world domination. In general, this motivates me to get out there and move in a direction, but also contributes to my feelings of dissatisfaction and unsettlement as mentioned above.
4. I angst a lot, but when I commit, I commit hard
I often have trouble making decisions. I waffle. I want to make sure I'm making the *right* choice, which seems in conflict with 1 and 2 above, but I think is actually critical to success. If I don't have full confidence in what I'm doing, I might get discouraged when things go wrong. But once I've decided, I *do* have full confidence in it, and I *move*, putting everything behind it. If I'm going to fail, I'd rather do so spectacularly, and not because I've half-assed it.
5. I like to leave my options open
In general, the world is not a big conspiracy theory. To the contrary, nobody really knows what's going on. If you can figure even a smidge of it out, you're doing better than most people. Some people respond to this by blatantly flim-flamming their way through it. Others become unassailable experts in a narrow field. But mostly I think it's about figuring out what you can do with the cards the universe presents to you. Luck is a big factor in success, but it's not so much about having the luck as *recognizing* the luck and jumping on it. Basically, even though I put my efforts behind the thing of the moment, I also am willing to change my mind, to be open to new experiences. Sometimes, this can leave me trying to have my hand in multiple cookie jars at once.
6. I am really good at managing my money.
There was going to be one on this list called 'people are surprisingly willing to give you a chance', but even though that's a valuable piece of information that affects life planning, it's not about *me* and this list is all about me. So there's this one instead. I don't really have much to say about it except that I am apparently better than average at living within my means, even if my 'means' are very slim, and at socking money away into the bank.
So what's the conclusion here? Well, I think it's that really, there's nothing wrong with 'flailing', for me. 'Flailing' is *how* I get to do cool stuff - they're possible inseparable. And so if there's something I want to do, I'm probably not going to regret just going and trying it, no matter what other people think, as long as I've thought it through. If it doesn't work out, or I want to do something else later, then I will go and do that thing then. There is a small chance that calamity may occur, but I call that 'adventure'.
Epiphany #1, which really came at a christmas party, talking to a perfect stranger, who mentioned how petrified she was of losing her job in a bad economy: I AM NOT AFRAID. I mean, sure, there's lots of stuff I'm afraid of, and some of it touches very close to this other stuff, but a lot of it is about other people - what people think of me, letting them down, messing their lives up. For myself? I am not afraid. And the amount of confidence I have is very very important.