Uhm...so, yeah....
I was so excited yesterday. Even though I had to work, I got started on some prep work for NaNoWriMo. I was really excited about it. I came home and watched tv with Alex for the rest of the rest of the evening (the girl is a HUGE fan of Bones-which had a marathon on), cooked dinner and even got some WoW time in. I went to be a little later than usual but that was fine, "It's Saturday, no big deal".
Then my mom calls me around 12:30a and tells me the hospital called her, said my dad wasn't doing so well and that she may want to come down there. I get back up from my one hour of sleep and drag Alex with me since she hasn't been to see him at all. I think it would be better for her to go this time since there won't be so many people around and the tend to keep the lighting to a minimum.
We get there and my mom's in the waiting room. Apparently my dad was coughing up blood and they wanted to get him cleaned up and situated before letting her into his room. Me and mom finally go in and he's back on the ventilator, sedated and totally out of it. I wasn't worried or concerned in the least. He was like that the last two times I visited and although everyone says he's getting better, he looks the same to me.
I check up on Alex in the waiting room, but she's sleeping. After a couple of hours, I decide (well, Alex really decided) to go home for a while. I finally convince Alex to see her grandpa and we both tell my mom that we'll see her later.
My mom calls me an hour later. My dad has passed away. I'm in total shock. He was just laying there an hour ago. How can he possibly be gone? Apparently he started coughing up blood again and my mom had them take the tube out of his throat. Unfortunately, he was strong enough to breath on his own.
Now, I'm sitting here about four hours later. I called both my brother and sister and manged to speak to them before falling asleep. Everyone is at the hospital now, waiting for a priest to say a prayer. I haven't gone back yet. I don't want to wake Alex up and tell her yet. I want her to sleep as long as possible. Everyone keeps calling, "Is Alex awake yet? Are you on your way?"
Quite frankly, I'm not ready to mourn with them. Actually, I don't want to mourn with them. I want to stay inside my little apartment with my daughter and sleep this day away. I want to be supportive but at the same time, I don't want to hear them wailing and carrying on. I don't understand what they expect my role to be. I know I should be supportive of my mother but at the same time I can't make myself do it. I don't want to do it.
Even now, I'm sure some would think that me doing all this on the internet is callous but hell, you all know me better than my own family. I tell you guys more than I have ever spoken to anyone. I know it may sound silly but you guys really are my friends, even it is on the internet and I'm still socially retarded at times.
I don't need hugs or flowers or words of encouragement. I know things will be ok. Yeah, it will be hard at first, this is surely going to wreck my mom, but I will survive. My brother and my daughter need me to survive and, quite frankly, so do you guys. Even if you don't want to admit it.
That's all I really wanted to say for now. I really don't want to think about this or anything else for that matter. Maybe I will just go back to sleep.
----------------
Now playing: Ritsuko Okazaki - Sorairo
via FoxyTunes
Then my mom calls me around 12:30a and tells me the hospital called her, said my dad wasn't doing so well and that she may want to come down there. I get back up from my one hour of sleep and drag Alex with me since she hasn't been to see him at all. I think it would be better for her to go this time since there won't be so many people around and the tend to keep the lighting to a minimum.
We get there and my mom's in the waiting room. Apparently my dad was coughing up blood and they wanted to get him cleaned up and situated before letting her into his room. Me and mom finally go in and he's back on the ventilator, sedated and totally out of it. I wasn't worried or concerned in the least. He was like that the last two times I visited and although everyone says he's getting better, he looks the same to me.
I check up on Alex in the waiting room, but she's sleeping. After a couple of hours, I decide (well, Alex really decided) to go home for a while. I finally convince Alex to see her grandpa and we both tell my mom that we'll see her later.
My mom calls me an hour later. My dad has passed away. I'm in total shock. He was just laying there an hour ago. How can he possibly be gone? Apparently he started coughing up blood again and my mom had them take the tube out of his throat. Unfortunately, he was strong enough to breath on his own.
Now, I'm sitting here about four hours later. I called both my brother and sister and manged to speak to them before falling asleep. Everyone is at the hospital now, waiting for a priest to say a prayer. I haven't gone back yet. I don't want to wake Alex up and tell her yet. I want her to sleep as long as possible. Everyone keeps calling, "Is Alex awake yet? Are you on your way?"
Quite frankly, I'm not ready to mourn with them. Actually, I don't want to mourn with them. I want to stay inside my little apartment with my daughter and sleep this day away. I want to be supportive but at the same time, I don't want to hear them wailing and carrying on. I don't understand what they expect my role to be. I know I should be supportive of my mother but at the same time I can't make myself do it. I don't want to do it.
Even now, I'm sure some would think that me doing all this on the internet is callous but hell, you all know me better than my own family. I tell you guys more than I have ever spoken to anyone. I know it may sound silly but you guys really are my friends, even it is on the internet and I'm still socially retarded at times.
I don't need hugs or flowers or words of encouragement. I know things will be ok. Yeah, it will be hard at first, this is surely going to wreck my mom, but I will survive. My brother and my daughter need me to survive and, quite frankly, so do you guys. Even if you don't want to admit it.
That's all I really wanted to say for now. I really don't want to think about this or anything else for that matter. Maybe I will just go back to sleep.
----------------
Now playing: Ritsuko Okazaki - Sorairo
via FoxyTunes