(no subject)

[kerry_s_life]

okay, before i begin i want to apologize. apologize for making this so long, making it very opnionated. if you dont want to read it, dont. i just needed a place to write everything that ive been feeling down, and i guess this is the place to. it doesnt feel like christmas is on sunday, it all came too soon. this year is going by too soon. way too soon. and i guess im scared of the future, scared of where im going to end up, if i even end up anywhere. yeah i get the grades, but im nothing when i leave cherokee. just another face in  the crowd who is trying to get somewhere.chances are i prob wont end up at the same college as most of the kids i go to school with now, and i guess in a way thats good. for so long ive just wanted to start over, start with something new. but in a way i never do. i wouldnt want to trade my friends for anything in the entire world, but change is good sometimes. im like my dad, i hate change. yet when it happens, its good. i just dont like the transaction of it all. and i guess thats why i always had a problem in cherokee so far. when we got older things changed and priorities varied. i guess it hurts the most not having kelly as one of my good friends anymore. back in the day we were inseperable, and now we barely talk. what kills me is how im picked after her boyfriend. i guess she doesnt realize that, or does and does nothing about it. a lot of girls do that. they get so wrapped up in their boyfriend that nothing else in the world matters. in a way i wish i had that, and alot of times i dont. but i realized that i wish alot, and we all do. as if nothing is ever completely content in our lifes. thats kind of weird. cause people are always like "im happy with what i have" yet they're not. no one is. in the back of our minds we always strive for perfection, its a way of life. but what exactly is perfection anyway? its never defined for us. its not those 95 pound models on the runways, cause they have to deprive their bodies of nutrients to get that way. they arent naturally pretty, there are plenty of people behind stage doing hair and makeup. so who is left. i remember one time in church the homily was that everyone sins. and the average man sins atleast 8 times a day, therefore no one is perfect. not even the churches. the catholic church seems to push it in the past about how many people they killed and burned because they didnt believe our religion. nothing is spoken of that. i go to church, but i dont agree with all of it. it seems like a cult when everyone says the prayers outloud. and how we should be good people, but the minute you go to leave in the parking lot everyone is a bitch. whats up with all of the collections? the pope has more money then ever. he should be nice and donate it to people who dont have any, but wait he doesnt. and the church is the one telling us to. hmm. cuteee. and you cant tell me priests dont fantazise/jerk off. of course theyre going to tell you know- but baaam theres two lies in once. its not really lieing, but i dont like when people cant tell their whole emotions. like they leave something out. i guess thats how i am though, making me a total hypocrite of myself. but its alright, i can admit it. sometimes i just dont know how to put it into words but i have an image in my head. like last weekend i went to south street, and it was incredibly hard for me. ever since last summer this lady danielle has been missing. ive known her since i was born and im close w her family. shes got a 3 year old son and was recently divorced. and the last place she was seen was south street. those kind of stories you always hear about, but never think it would come true. but it did for me. and i miss her, alot. she went out with one of her exboyfriends, who apparently still had a grudge on her for breaking up with him years ago. he had 500,000$ worth of bank slips on him that night, and brought her to south street to a bar with all of her friends. thats the last time anyone saw her. or him for that matter. theyve been missing for awhile, and quite frankley we all believe he killed her. theres no way a mother can leave hr 3 month old son without trying to get intouch with him atleast once. they found his truck in the bottom of a river a couple months ago. its heartbreaking to listen to her son ask where his mom is. i mean how do you even explain that to a kid? walking down south street passing the bars she was all i thought of. i wanted to cry so bad, but no one knows the story. and i clearly didnt want to explain it. so i had to pretned like nothing was wrong, i just said i kept going in and out of dazes. i just wish she would come back safe. i hate talking about this kind of stuff, cause im incredibly emotional about all of this. not just danielle, but other stories dealing with death/suicide. we were talking about it in psych the other day and i couldnt listen. im not gonna lie, i used to cut. i dont remember why, or even how i had enough courage to. but it was a way of dealing witht he pain. when you do it it takes away from the emotional level to focus on the physical level. its called gate control theory. and no, i dont do it anymore, and no i never will again. wow ive never been so blank for words. you know how like everything just kind of rushes over you at once? thats how i feel tonight. ive got so many tests tomorrow, but i just didnt study. ive got so many reasons to cry, but im not. im so tired i can barely keep my eyes open, but i just cant fall asleep. im too cold. theres a point where i love sleeping in the cold, but not when im frozen. thats just uncomfortable. even though i overslept today cause honour forgot to call me. recently im such a heavy sleeper i just sleep through my alarm. and i cant figure out on my new phone how to set an alarm. so since hes up every morning at 5 to do homework anyway, honour just calls at 615 to wake me up. which forcs me to get up and answer the phone. but today he decided not to call and my mom came in my room at like 645 to ask if i was going to go to school today. should have said no, but i dispise make up work. and i feel so behind on things when i take off. well, right now anyway. during the spring and summer we dnnt do much but right now every teacher is either teaching/testing and makeups are bitches. so i didnt really study tonight, i just didnt have the motivation. even though i should have to keep my grades up. i hate talking about grades though, it gets me so fustrated. thats all i ever talk to cirucci about, and about how apparently hes so much better then me bc he goes to st joes prep. bullshit. whateeverr. there are other guys out there i guess, ill stumble across them. do you ever realize when your not looking for someone those are the best relationships. but if you sit there saying how much you want a boyfriend/girlfriend it feels like forever. and i blame alot of that on movies. they seem to put this fantasy in your head about the perfect guy and how hes going to sweep you off your feet. but in reality, no guy is unless your danny from the real world. now he was an amazing guy. i really dont think i could ever go on those kind of shows though. i dont think id like to be tapped for 6 months. and i wouldnt want to be the loser that barely talks to anyone there. although it would be cool to spend 6 months in a totally different town in an amazing house. i would feel so left out though when i return home. like hey, youve been gone for 6 months partyng with people you dont know heres what youve missed. like that one guy who was in a coma for like 20 years woke up thinking in that time frame still. hes gotta be going to theropy. that would be insaaane to comprehend. imagine waking up one morning and being in like 2020. id be so freaked out. i dont think id even want to know what ive missed. it would be so much. yeah hes def got to be pretty insane. im so happy i don thave anything to do tomorrow night. i think im gonna go in my hot tub considering ive been in it like 3 times haha. anyone want to come in with me? i feel stupid going in by myself. i tried to read in there one time but i got the book wet. doesnt exactly work out the way i was thinking iit would. and im glad i dont have work. thanks nicky for switching with me. i worked tonight from 330-730 and it wasnt bad at all. jeff and tom worked =] i love those boys. and they are like obbsessed with bouncy balls. i had to buy jeff one cause some little black kid stole his haha.  but i never want to fold anything ever again. seriously, if you go shopping.. put it back where you got it. fold it. please. and no its not my job to do that, its out of respect that you do. im getting paid to keep the store organized, not go around cleaning up your mess bc u were too lazy to put it 2 racks over. i respect stores alot more now that i work at old navy. my feet hurt though, its nonstop standing and walking the whole time. but its excersize. which is good. i cant wait til this break, cassies gonna take me to her moms gym. im going to be so hardocre about being in shape this year. and yes i know ive said that before but this time im really serious. and im in a bet with honour and raj who will have the best stomach. okay, so i know i wont have the best but atleast i can have a good one.
my contacts keep getting messed up, i think im gonna head to bed til 615 tomorrow. i hope this was long enough for you peter, considering your the only one who would read this to begin with. thank you.
goodnight