Well... My fear became reality today.
What I mean is that my most recent relationship came crashing in around me sometime this morning. This isn't the first time I'd been dumped by someone I cared about, but this one is definately the hardest even though it wasn't even close to being the longest. For those that didn't know, I'd been dating Nikki for the last 3 months or so and I clicked with her more than anyone I'd ever met before, and I fell in love hard and fast--I can honestly say that she's the closest I've come to finding "the one" which is why I've been miserable to the point that I hurt physically as well as emotionally. Granted our realtionship was far from perfect, I lived far away, and she still talked to her ex--but it wasn't anything that I didn't think we could work through, and I really tried my best.
I'm sure some may have heard about the complete communication blackout between us this past week, which really caused me to be stressed out, worried and upset about the whole situation, which did nothing to help with the physiological depression I'm being treated for and have been dealing with for some time. On X-mas, I hadn't heard from her in 24 hours, and I freaked out and worried, and that last week before New Years I saw 3 times for a total of 3 hours tops. We talked and decided that even though things were going to get really tough this semester, we would stay together. Which, I'm sure you'd agree would make it very confusing and difficult to deal with the fact that the last I'd heard from her was a text message on New Years day. I'll never understand how we went from talking every day for sometimes up to 4 hours, and never breaking communication for more than 24 hours to a whole week and counting that we haven't mutually communicated. I've left voicemails, text messages, and stopped by to have a message delivered in person by her dad or brother because I could never catch her while she was home.
Now, you may wonder what finally brought things to a close if she hasn't responded for a week, because maybe there's a good excuse and things may not be over? Well, a few days ago I asked Jason to call her up on his phone, because he was the one who introduced me to her and it wouldn't be a strange number or out of the ordinary for him to call. Sure enough, she answered and claimed that her phone was shut off and she couldn't afford to pay the bill until then, so she wasn't making or receiving calls. I was fine with that answer at the time, and texted her that night after she hadn't called back when she said she was that I was going to drop by with some stuff she left at my place and Jon's, she wasn't home so I left it with her dad and brother and asked that they have her call me. Another whole day goes by, and I start to think it's kinda strange that she hasn't responded to me since her phone was allegedly turned back on, and IF it had been off in the first place, there is no doubt she could have contacted me some other way with another phone, becaus she would have still had access to my phone number via her phone and one of her friends phone whom she sees constantly.
By the 7th day, I was at a breaking point, I needed to talk to her to figure out what was going on, my most recent messages had obviously portrayed my concern, about the situation and there was NO REASON she could have for not responding, and I honestly didn't call or text her a rediculous number of times because I didn't want to come off like a stalker. That night after she was off of work I waited enough time for her to get home, change etc... and she still hadn't called or anything. So around 8:30 or 9 I drive by her place to see if she's home, well she wasn't but I couldn't sit at home waiting for a call, so I drove around for a coulpe hours worrying and checking my phone for messages and listening to talk radio, drove by again and she wasn't home yet. I was on the verge of a panic attack, so I stopped a liqour store and did something irresponsible and dangerous, I put half a pint of liquor in a liter of pop, and continued driving and then decided to stop and wait in my car outsider her house because it was getting about the time she would be getting home to go to sleep. I asked her brother who dropped in briefly if he'd seen her and he didn't know where she was, and I ended up waiting in my car till 1:30 when I made one last call and her phone that had been ringing and going to voicemail a few hours earlier, went straight into voicemail. There's no way she could have turned her phone off without noticing my messages. Today I got up earlier than she'd be leaving the house in the morning and drove by one last time to catch her on her way out the door to work or something, but she wasn't there--I knew that some days she had to work at 9 so I figured I'd roll by there, but on Sundays it wasn't open till Noon. Conclusion, she's been ignoring me on purpose and never came home last night, and spent a week torturing me, and it still is not knowing, not having closure.
I kept up hope for as long as I could, but there's no way anybody could spin the situation positively and have it be believable. To refute any possible claims that what I did was creepy, YES, I realize that sitting outside someones house for hours getting drunk and driving around are bad things but those were the actions of a desperate miserable man left without recourse or any understanding as to what went wrong! Do you have any idea how hard it is to finally come to this conclusion, because the week before we had discussed her possible desire to breakup because of our situation, and decided against it because we loved each other too much, how can a sane or reasonable person's last words to you be "I love you, and I want to be with you" before they withdraw from your life completely without cause or warning! She even said that there was nothing I did wrong, I'm sure now it would seem that the last 7 days I did a few things that will taint my relationship with her to anyone she would tell about it, but things are cause and effect, those actions were not the cause of our breakup but moreso the effect, the acts of pure desperation. I'd never done ANYTHING like that before to anyone who'd ever broken up with me, I cared so much, and it was hurting so much that I just snapped and broke somehow on the inside in a way I've never experienced before.
Sorry for such a long post, I really do apologize, and I appreciate anyone who read this far because honestly I've never felt this way about someone before, and never been this heartbroken before. Another miserable coincidence, last year this time exactly, the girl I was dating left me out of the blue, but at least she told me she it was over and that she had reasons--even if those reasons were that I was being true to myself and that she'd changed and didn't want to be with me unless I changed too, but as stupid as it may sound at least she had reasons...
I'm sure some may have heard about the complete communication blackout between us this past week, which really caused me to be stressed out, worried and upset about the whole situation, which did nothing to help with the physiological depression I'm being treated for and have been dealing with for some time. On X-mas, I hadn't heard from her in 24 hours, and I freaked out and worried, and that last week before New Years I saw 3 times for a total of 3 hours tops. We talked and decided that even though things were going to get really tough this semester, we would stay together. Which, I'm sure you'd agree would make it very confusing and difficult to deal with the fact that the last I'd heard from her was a text message on New Years day. I'll never understand how we went from talking every day for sometimes up to 4 hours, and never breaking communication for more than 24 hours to a whole week and counting that we haven't mutually communicated. I've left voicemails, text messages, and stopped by to have a message delivered in person by her dad or brother because I could never catch her while she was home.
Now, you may wonder what finally brought things to a close if she hasn't responded for a week, because maybe there's a good excuse and things may not be over? Well, a few days ago I asked Jason to call her up on his phone, because he was the one who introduced me to her and it wouldn't be a strange number or out of the ordinary for him to call. Sure enough, she answered and claimed that her phone was shut off and she couldn't afford to pay the bill until then, so she wasn't making or receiving calls. I was fine with that answer at the time, and texted her that night after she hadn't called back when she said she was that I was going to drop by with some stuff she left at my place and Jon's, she wasn't home so I left it with her dad and brother and asked that they have her call me. Another whole day goes by, and I start to think it's kinda strange that she hasn't responded to me since her phone was allegedly turned back on, and IF it had been off in the first place, there is no doubt she could have contacted me some other way with another phone, becaus she would have still had access to my phone number via her phone and one of her friends phone whom she sees constantly.
By the 7th day, I was at a breaking point, I needed to talk to her to figure out what was going on, my most recent messages had obviously portrayed my concern, about the situation and there was NO REASON she could have for not responding, and I honestly didn't call or text her a rediculous number of times because I didn't want to come off like a stalker. That night after she was off of work I waited enough time for her to get home, change etc... and she still hadn't called or anything. So around 8:30 or 9 I drive by her place to see if she's home, well she wasn't but I couldn't sit at home waiting for a call, so I drove around for a coulpe hours worrying and checking my phone for messages and listening to talk radio, drove by again and she wasn't home yet. I was on the verge of a panic attack, so I stopped a liqour store and did something irresponsible and dangerous, I put half a pint of liquor in a liter of pop, and continued driving and then decided to stop and wait in my car outsider her house because it was getting about the time she would be getting home to go to sleep. I asked her brother who dropped in briefly if he'd seen her and he didn't know where she was, and I ended up waiting in my car till 1:30 when I made one last call and her phone that had been ringing and going to voicemail a few hours earlier, went straight into voicemail. There's no way she could have turned her phone off without noticing my messages. Today I got up earlier than she'd be leaving the house in the morning and drove by one last time to catch her on her way out the door to work or something, but she wasn't there--I knew that some days she had to work at 9 so I figured I'd roll by there, but on Sundays it wasn't open till Noon. Conclusion, she's been ignoring me on purpose and never came home last night, and spent a week torturing me, and it still is not knowing, not having closure.
I kept up hope for as long as I could, but there's no way anybody could spin the situation positively and have it be believable. To refute any possible claims that what I did was creepy, YES, I realize that sitting outside someones house for hours getting drunk and driving around are bad things but those were the actions of a desperate miserable man left without recourse or any understanding as to what went wrong! Do you have any idea how hard it is to finally come to this conclusion, because the week before we had discussed her possible desire to breakup because of our situation, and decided against it because we loved each other too much, how can a sane or reasonable person's last words to you be "I love you, and I want to be with you" before they withdraw from your life completely without cause or warning! She even said that there was nothing I did wrong, I'm sure now it would seem that the last 7 days I did a few things that will taint my relationship with her to anyone she would tell about it, but things are cause and effect, those actions were not the cause of our breakup but moreso the effect, the acts of pure desperation. I'd never done ANYTHING like that before to anyone who'd ever broken up with me, I cared so much, and it was hurting so much that I just snapped and broke somehow on the inside in a way I've never experienced before.
Sorry for such a long post, I really do apologize, and I appreciate anyone who read this far because honestly I've never felt this way about someone before, and never been this heartbroken before. Another miserable coincidence, last year this time exactly, the girl I was dating left me out of the blue, but at least she told me she it was over and that she had reasons--even if those reasons were that I was being true to myself and that she'd changed and didn't want to be with me unless I changed too, but as stupid as it may sound at least she had reasons...