[eysuria] through agony and ages
Title: Through Agony and Ages
Genre: Fantasy - Eysuria
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1,150
This is the would-be climax of my main Eysuria story arc between Aerlun, Daemien, and all their incarnations. It was written for a challenge for RCR; the challenge was to write about the one marriage in ten that doesn't end in divorce, that lasts forever (figuratively speaking). This is a slash story, first-person present-tense.
It hurts to see the blood on his skin, even now. I ache from my own wounds, from my own exhaustion, but despite the hatred I try to feel for him... I can’t. It hurts to see him so near to broken. I have to stop. I lower my sword until its tip touches the ground and allow my body to collapse inward the way it wants to. My shoulders curve forward, and my heavy breaths shake my entire body.
I admire him. He stands breathless, as straight-backed as he can, though he favors one leg and the tip of his sword droops lower than it should. He’s smaller than me, and weaker. He’s spent days under the hands of my torturers. And that hurts me too. But he’s still strong.
The pain makes me angry. What right does he have to make my heart convulse like this? He betrayed me. Why does the attachment linger? The desert wind rings in my ears. “Why are you here?” The words are gone now, though I didn’t mean to speak. I continue anyway. “Why come? You knew, you knew what awaited you here.”
He finally lets go. His whole body sags, and he collapses to one knee on the stone, using his sword to keep himself upright. “Because....” His pause lingers in the evening air. The wind carries sand into the temple around us, throws it in our wounds, but I try to ignore the sting. “I couldn’t let you go. And I couldn’t do it anymore.” He takes a deep, labored breath before going on. “If you’re going to kill me, then do it. But I wanted you to know that I never abandoned you. I thought that if I could just see you... if I could explain... maybe you would see the truth.”
Something in his voice bothers me. This isn’t the Apricot I knew. I mean, it is, but there’s something different. Something older. Something... timeless? My breathing isn’t so painful now, and my heartbeat pulses more naturally in my chest. I can’t place what’s different about him. Maybe it’s just the years that have passed, but he seems stronger than I remember, and more present. And it hurts more. The chaos that’s always so barely contained deep inside me is harder to suppress--it’s reacting to him. Reaching out. “Who are you?” My voice doesn’t carry far in the air, but it’s enough.
“It’s me,” Apricot whispers. “Every me that has ever mattered.”
Something in me stirs. What he’s saying, it sounds almost like....
“It’s me,” he repeats. “Apricot. Lydon. Daemien.”
“What?” I can’t--it doesn’t make sense, Lydon and Daemien are dead and gone, from a completely different lifetime. They betrayed me too. And I betrayed them. And maybe that’s what hurts worst. “I don’t understand.”
“I made a deal with a god, and with a spirit wraith,” Apricot says, “so I could follow you through time. So I could save you. Or try, at least.” He winces and pushes himself to his feet. He drops his sword. My sword is on the ground too; I don’t know when I let it fall. “I followed you through your incarnations, but I was always a little too late. Please say I’m not too late this time.” He moves toward me. I am repulsed and attracted simultaneously. It can’t be true, it’s impossible, why would they even care enough to follow me--me who betrayed them--
He reaches out his hand and touches my neck, and something snaps. Something collides. The world is gone. I can feel him more than I’ve felt myself, my many selves, since before. It’s the truth. His soul presses against mine intimately. It’s more than before. I can feel all of his selves. Daemien, who loved me first, but who couldn’t bear to see what I was doing to the world. I can feel the intense guilt he’s carried for letting me die that first time. And there’s Lydon as well, who somehow forgave me for ordering his Triel’s death--who even found his way back to loving me enough that he agreed to give up his soul and his body to Daemien to continue chasing me through the ages. And Apricot, who loved me through his terror, even seeing the horrible things I did conquering mankind, and who gave up his body as well even half-believing it was suicide.
Through their eyes, or his eyes--because they’re one and the same now, even moreso than I am one and the same with my different selves--it’s clear for the first time just what I’ve done.
The despair is overwhelming.
I am crumpled on the ground, the gritty stone pressing against my body twisted up in its uncomfortable angles. I can feel Apricot there. “Aerlun?” His voice is small with fear. His touch on my back is hesitant.
“I’m so sorry,” I tell him quietly. Tears cut through the sweat and grit on my face, run down to fall to the stone beneath me.
His relief is intense. “Aerlun,” he repeats, but there is a prayer in it this time. “I knew you were in there. I missed you.”
I roll onto my back, untangling my limbs and staring up at him. The tears won’t stop. I deserve to die for everything I’ve done. “Why would you come after me? Through ages, through lifetimes, after what I’ve done to you?”
“Because I love you, Aerlun. You have always been loved. But you got lost somehow, and you needed me to come find you.”
“I’ve done so much,” I whisper. “Conquered, enslaved, killed. You can’t forgive me.”
“I can,” Apricot says, though I can see horrible pain and sadness in him--and even some anger. His voice is genuine, but there really is too much to just let go. I’ve spent three lifetimes destroying in my agony and confusion. It’s quite clear now. I look away, but he pulls my face back toward his. “I didn’t follow you through three lives just to let you go. You’re just going to have to spend the rest of your life making it up to me.”
I close my eyes and grit my teeth. “There’s nothing I can do to make this right. Not even three more lifetimes can fix all this.”
“We’ll see,” he says. “Look, we’ll start here. I need you to look at me.” I open my eyes and look up into his. They’re gold now, like mine; I hadn’t noticed. What changed that? “Do you still love me?”
My heart breaks. The spear of pain my chest is like nothing I’ve ever felt. But the other voices clamor in my head as powerfully as my own. Always. Braden’s voice. Forever. Eivyr. And mine. “I never stopped. I tried. But I never stopped.” I can’t hold back the sob that escapes me.
“Then that’s enough for right now.” He smoothes one hand against my cheek, and with the other takes one of my hands into his own. “We’ll rebuild from there. We have forever to spend together, Aerlun, and together I think we can make everything right.”
Genre: Fantasy - Eysuria
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1,150
This is the would-be climax of my main Eysuria story arc between Aerlun, Daemien, and all their incarnations. It was written for a challenge for RCR; the challenge was to write about the one marriage in ten that doesn't end in divorce, that lasts forever (figuratively speaking). This is a slash story, first-person present-tense.
It hurts to see the blood on his skin, even now. I ache from my own wounds, from my own exhaustion, but despite the hatred I try to feel for him... I can’t. It hurts to see him so near to broken. I have to stop. I lower my sword until its tip touches the ground and allow my body to collapse inward the way it wants to. My shoulders curve forward, and my heavy breaths shake my entire body.
I admire him. He stands breathless, as straight-backed as he can, though he favors one leg and the tip of his sword droops lower than it should. He’s smaller than me, and weaker. He’s spent days under the hands of my torturers. And that hurts me too. But he’s still strong.
The pain makes me angry. What right does he have to make my heart convulse like this? He betrayed me. Why does the attachment linger? The desert wind rings in my ears. “Why are you here?” The words are gone now, though I didn’t mean to speak. I continue anyway. “Why come? You knew, you knew what awaited you here.”
He finally lets go. His whole body sags, and he collapses to one knee on the stone, using his sword to keep himself upright. “Because....” His pause lingers in the evening air. The wind carries sand into the temple around us, throws it in our wounds, but I try to ignore the sting. “I couldn’t let you go. And I couldn’t do it anymore.” He takes a deep, labored breath before going on. “If you’re going to kill me, then do it. But I wanted you to know that I never abandoned you. I thought that if I could just see you... if I could explain... maybe you would see the truth.”
Something in his voice bothers me. This isn’t the Apricot I knew. I mean, it is, but there’s something different. Something older. Something... timeless? My breathing isn’t so painful now, and my heartbeat pulses more naturally in my chest. I can’t place what’s different about him. Maybe it’s just the years that have passed, but he seems stronger than I remember, and more present. And it hurts more. The chaos that’s always so barely contained deep inside me is harder to suppress--it’s reacting to him. Reaching out. “Who are you?” My voice doesn’t carry far in the air, but it’s enough.
“It’s me,” Apricot whispers. “Every me that has ever mattered.”
Something in me stirs. What he’s saying, it sounds almost like....
“It’s me,” he repeats. “Apricot. Lydon. Daemien.”
“What?” I can’t--it doesn’t make sense, Lydon and Daemien are dead and gone, from a completely different lifetime. They betrayed me too. And I betrayed them. And maybe that’s what hurts worst. “I don’t understand.”
“I made a deal with a god, and with a spirit wraith,” Apricot says, “so I could follow you through time. So I could save you. Or try, at least.” He winces and pushes himself to his feet. He drops his sword. My sword is on the ground too; I don’t know when I let it fall. “I followed you through your incarnations, but I was always a little too late. Please say I’m not too late this time.” He moves toward me. I am repulsed and attracted simultaneously. It can’t be true, it’s impossible, why would they even care enough to follow me--me who betrayed them--
He reaches out his hand and touches my neck, and something snaps. Something collides. The world is gone. I can feel him more than I’ve felt myself, my many selves, since before. It’s the truth. His soul presses against mine intimately. It’s more than before. I can feel all of his selves. Daemien, who loved me first, but who couldn’t bear to see what I was doing to the world. I can feel the intense guilt he’s carried for letting me die that first time. And there’s Lydon as well, who somehow forgave me for ordering his Triel’s death--who even found his way back to loving me enough that he agreed to give up his soul and his body to Daemien to continue chasing me through the ages. And Apricot, who loved me through his terror, even seeing the horrible things I did conquering mankind, and who gave up his body as well even half-believing it was suicide.
Through their eyes, or his eyes--because they’re one and the same now, even moreso than I am one and the same with my different selves--it’s clear for the first time just what I’ve done.
The despair is overwhelming.
I am crumpled on the ground, the gritty stone pressing against my body twisted up in its uncomfortable angles. I can feel Apricot there. “Aerlun?” His voice is small with fear. His touch on my back is hesitant.
“I’m so sorry,” I tell him quietly. Tears cut through the sweat and grit on my face, run down to fall to the stone beneath me.
His relief is intense. “Aerlun,” he repeats, but there is a prayer in it this time. “I knew you were in there. I missed you.”
I roll onto my back, untangling my limbs and staring up at him. The tears won’t stop. I deserve to die for everything I’ve done. “Why would you come after me? Through ages, through lifetimes, after what I’ve done to you?”
“Because I love you, Aerlun. You have always been loved. But you got lost somehow, and you needed me to come find you.”
“I’ve done so much,” I whisper. “Conquered, enslaved, killed. You can’t forgive me.”
“I can,” Apricot says, though I can see horrible pain and sadness in him--and even some anger. His voice is genuine, but there really is too much to just let go. I’ve spent three lifetimes destroying in my agony and confusion. It’s quite clear now. I look away, but he pulls my face back toward his. “I didn’t follow you through three lives just to let you go. You’re just going to have to spend the rest of your life making it up to me.”
I close my eyes and grit my teeth. “There’s nothing I can do to make this right. Not even three more lifetimes can fix all this.”
“We’ll see,” he says. “Look, we’ll start here. I need you to look at me.” I open my eyes and look up into his. They’re gold now, like mine; I hadn’t noticed. What changed that? “Do you still love me?”
My heart breaks. The spear of pain my chest is like nothing I’ve ever felt. But the other voices clamor in my head as powerfully as my own. Always. Braden’s voice. Forever. Eivyr. And mine. “I never stopped. I tried. But I never stopped.” I can’t hold back the sob that escapes me.
“Then that’s enough for right now.” He smoothes one hand against my cheek, and with the other takes one of my hands into his own. “We’ll rebuild from there. We have forever to spend together, Aerlun, and together I think we can make everything right.”