.277 x plenty of tmi
Okay, so Danny and I got into a big fight the night before last. I yelled; I've never really yelled before, just spoken loudly/heatedly. Morgan being there contributed a lot. She was being very supportive of me and kept telling Danny he needed to come hug me, come make me feel better, and the contrast of her caring and knowing that I needed these things with Danny not having a fucking clue made it seem that much worse. He blames her in a negative way, though. He said she brought a "highschool mentality" to the fight. I tried to explain but I'm not sure if he took the whole point.
I was mad at him for various reasons. They're not all clear anymore; there was alcohol involved. I remember where it started but not how it got worse. We were watching a Shakira video and he was saying something about her having the hottest butt in the world or something like that. I was a bit miffed and, after a bit of conversation about how my butt can't be like hers because I'm too tall or something, I told him I just want to be hot enough for him. He said I'm hotter than he deserves, and I clarified, "I want to be as hot as you want." But he just kept repeating that I'm hotter than he deserves. I probably took that too hard; to me there's a distinct difference in what he wants and what he thinks he deserves, but he may not see it that way. It bothers me because I know that theoretically there are hotter guys than him out there, but to me he's the hottest because of who he is. And I don't think that's how it works for him, maybe for guys in general. Like he worries or used to worry about what would happen if a hot college guy showed me attention or whatever, but that doesn't matter to me. I definitely think I have more to worry about. Not saying it would ever happen but say some super hot celebrity showed interest in him... genuine interest... I think he'd be more tempted than I ever would. Maybe not tempted enough to do anything. But still tempted.
So it was this and other things (especially the build up of months of him being insensitive toward me when I'm feeling a little upset) that had me mad. The only thing he remembers and what he thinks the fight was about (even though we hardly mentioned it that night while arguing) was the fact that I mentioned in front of Dennis, Justin, and Morgan that he's only been down on a girl twice and only once on me, and they gave him grief for it.
Okay, probably a low blow, but it bothers me. I feel that a majority of guys, while they may or may not truly enjoy the experience, will go down on their girl because they want to please her. And a lot of guys actually do like it. But not him. I like doing oral for him. Granted, I'm not going to hold that one to him; he's not as into oral as other guys and probably wouldn't ever ask me to give it if I suddenly stopped.
But then there's...
I told him why I mentioned it yesterday. That I feel like it's an important part of the relationship, partners are supposed to want to please each other. And he said, "If there was something you disliked as much as I dislike giving oral, I'd never ask you to do it."
And I immediately came back with, "But you bug me about anal all the time." And then I felt bad because he made it sound like he felt like going down on a girl was akin to tossing salad or something, and I don't think anal is that bad, but I still hate how he keeps 'joking' about it all the fucking time when at least right now I'm not interested, the last few times were just too unpleasant. But at the same time why should I feel bad? Why should going down on a girl seem akin to fucking tossing someone's salad?
Especially since he's only done it twice, and neither were good representative samples. Apparently the first was on some girl with a skanky vagina. And when he finally tried it on me I was drunk and fucking terrified because I knew that he hated the first time and he made no special effort to make me feel he might like it much better with me, so I was sobbing the whole time, and how could either of us enjoy that?
And beyond even fucking that, could he try a little foreplay once in a while? Why is it always me? I have a much higher sexual appetite than he does which means that more often than not I initiate which means that more often than not I go down on him or grab some lotion and what-have-you. He's fingered me before but I could count the number of times in over two years on both hands and he's not even that good, he likes to go deep and ignore the clit altogether.
The fucked up thing is I don't feel like I can even approach him about any of this for real because it would upset him. He once thought I was saying something like his penis was small and got extremely insulted even though I wasn't saying that. And we had the conversation once that he's not 18 anymore he can't fuck all the time and he felt I was demanding too much of him. And I feel bad because he does do most of the moving during sex; I can't keep a good rhythm as long as he can (not even close), though I do try in the rare instances when we aren't doing doggy style or another position that doesn't lend itself to the girl moving that much.
Waaaaah.
It just really worries me because I still love him just as much but we're fighting more and I can't seem to get across what's bothering me. I can't seem to make him understand that yes, I know I can be oversensitive, but I need him to care instead of get upset at me because it just creates a loop where I get more emotional and he gets more upset and frustrated with me. And I do feel like I give more sometimes, but I don't want to shove that in his face.