long time no post
Well, I didn't take the advice that was put into my comments on the last post. I did not take a risk, I decided to just let it go. That is the first time I ever decided to do that. I am trying to just forget about all females and not focus on any but it has been ending up awkward. Instead of not caring about any girls, I have just had elevated interest in everyone that I didn't like to begin with. I am such a desperate sack of crap. Whatever! It will all work out how it is supposed to. I have not figured out how things are supposed to end up yet, but things will fall into place. Maybe things will work out with who I am looking at, I don't think so and I don't know if I even want anything now. One can never tell how things will end up with these female situations. I should probably be paying more attention to the duties in my section. I have no idea what Robert is doing or how things are going. I care, but the directors are afraid for our section. Robert and I need to work extra hard to impress them. So many things to deal with, so little time. What am I talking about? I have all summer to do absolutely nothing. I am thinking about pulling out of the beach thingy later on this summer. It just seems like a horrible idea. There is going to be a huge fight between some people, I can feel it. It will probably have to do with me. I will either piss someone off or I will get one of my crazy mood swings. I am just afraid that I will let the people down if I don't go. Maybe I could just give them the $80 to help pay but then still not go or something. This is seriously a strong hunch that things will be really bad if I go. Yeah well, I have never listened to my hunches before, no reason to start now. I will go, and I can deal with whatever gets thrown at me I guess. I just have to be strong and not get all mood swingy. Speaking of, I got really upset at Starbucks last night. We were there and Jimmy made some comment about Leah's poetry and she got upset and left to go outside to be alone. I went out to try to talk to her about it and I got yelled at because she wanted to be alone that is why she went outside. Then everyone and their mother went outside and talked to her and she started feeling better. She says that I don't give a shit most of the time, but she doesn't let me most of the time. Everyone with us at Starbucks saw me get up to go talk to her because I cared that she was upset and then she just smacked me down. I just don't get it. I have to be an asshole in her eyes no matter what I guess. I can't even try to be nice. Let me recall what she said to me once. She said that Jimmy is always so nice blah blah blah he really cares blah blah blah. Jimmy made fun of her poetry and then I went to go make her feel better but maybe that would be like tampering with her God-like impression of Jimmy that dominates over me. I am just like a younger Jimmy that hasn't figured it out yet. He tries to help me and tell me when to shut the hell up and how not to piss people off, but I guess I have to learn for myself. It never sinks in when he tells me stuff, I am just like "whatever" and he ends up being right in the end. Always. I am worrying way too much for it to be summer. I just need my bass to get out the negative energy, BUT I LEFT MR. HOPPUS AT GREG'S HOUSE! Loud angry music will suffice I suppose. Maybe I can start being socially acceptable and stop pissing off all of the people that I care the most about, especially Mary. She got a lot of shit from me that wasn't necessary. I want to be close friends with her but it isn't exactly helping matters when I hide all of her things and then try to light her legs on fire. I care not to explain all of it. I just need to stop it. I want to be friends with her, as good of friends as we were before I started making an ass of myself to her again. ARGH! I hate this confusion in my brain about what to do. I think I just don't know what I am doing with my life, so I just sit here in the present and do whatever will amuse me at the moment and then not give a shit about the future or what I said in the past. Not a very social way to live, that really shows no care for the wishes of the people around me. Maybe selfish is the only way to go, the only way to be happy. Just stop caring about everyone else and do whatever makes you happy. Hell, if I did that I would probably be in jail by now. How to live, that is the question. Should I care about others? How much? Should I just dedicate my whole life to others? I think it is impossible for Kenny Kingery to do that. Whenever I try to care I always get fucked over, so why care? It is my nature to care I guess, no way of changing that. I wish there was a way to make it so I wasn't a total ass to the people I cared about and so it was all easy to handle. I could use a fucking magic wand right about now. Whatever. That is my favorite sayin these days. Whatever. I don't give a shit. I am apathetic. Whatever. Who cares? I do. Whatever. I could die tomorrow with all of these negative feelings. Whatever. As we can all see, I am in Kenny's happy summer mood. Any time you are around me, this is what I really feel like. Screw the happy little mask I wear. That's bullshit. I don't even want to go to the concert tonight. I am just gonna do something to piss off Jessica, one of those many people I care about. It is a law that I have to piss off who I care about, maybe I should tell her that before hand so that she is prepared. WHATEVER. I am just gonna stop now. I might post later if I am bored.