A Not-So-Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Stupidity
Subtext
By Matt Kenney
Based on the true story of a dentist appointment
“Hi, Matt Kenney……I have an appointment….at one…”
- You don’t deserve a response.
- I’m going to awkwardly stand here until you acknowledge my appointment.
- You don’t have an appointment.
- Yes I do, I made one for Thursday at one.
- Today is Wednesday.
- But someone cancelled and needed my slot and switched with me.
- I do not acknowledge switches.
- I’ll just go over in the corner and read up on Bush’s new tax plan.
Ten to fifteen minutes pass by.
“Hi, Gloria Fleschman, I have an appointment at one.”
“Oh, Mrs. Fleschman, have a seat and we will be right with you.”
Five minutes pass.
“Come on back Gloria.”
- I was here first.
- She’s more important than you, she’s old.
- But she wasn’t first.
- Shut up and stay in the corner.
- I like tax cuts.
Fifteen minutes pass.
- If you don’t let me in now, I’ll leave.
- Good, we don’t like you.
- Damn you people, what is the point of an appointment if you don’t keep them?!
- Why don’t you cry about it, baby. We’re busy.
- Everyone’s busy!
- Your teeth don’t deserve cleaning.
Five more minutes.
“Matt?”
“Yeah!”
- My time has come! I shall rule all who dwell within these tiny rooms!
“When was the last time you were in here, three years ago?”
“Yeah….”
“We can’t find your file. George, it’s been over a year, his file must be upstairs, can you go look for it?”
- We’ve lost your file.
- Not my file!
- Your file is unimportant to us.
- But look at all of those files behind you, there must be thousands! I’m not more important than any of those files?
- No.
“You can take your seat again.”
- I don’t want my seat.
- Is that a magazine on the economy in your hand?
- I’m reading about Bush’s tax plan.
- Sounds sooo interesting……loser.
- I’ll just go sit down over there in the corner.
Ten minutes pass.
“Matt, hey how are you doing, you can come back now.”
- Careful, this could be a trick.
- No tricks, I’m not evil like the others.
- You are different, you…..smile.
I am lead to a tiny makeshift room in the back.
“It’s been a while for you, eh?”
“Yeah, I’ve been at college.”
“Ah, where do you go?”
“Villanova.”
- That’s not far enough.
- I’m sorry.
- You were able to come here, but didn’t.
- I’m sorry.
“There’s some build up here.”
- You do not know how to brush.
- I brush well enough.
- Must I show you how to brush?
“I’m sorry, are your feeling sore?”
“Naw, not ath all.” (my mouth was drowning in it’s own saliva and suction tubes and fingers)
“Turn towards me.”
- Look at me. Look into my eyes. They will give you strength.
- I don’t need strength, you are gentle with the metal prodding thingy.
- Do not be brave, this must hurt you.
“This hurt a lot more last time I was here.”
- Thank you for being gentle with me.
- I told you earlier, I’m not evil, like the others.
“Turn towards me again.”
- You have nice eyes.
- Stop salivating so much.
- I can’t help it.
“This is just air.”
- I’ll dry it out myself since you won’t help.
- I’m sorry.
“I have four older sisters, one of them went to Villanova.”
- I am the youngest of five.
“I have an older sister.”
- She’s crazy.
“Imagine her, times four.”
- I’m young, like you.
“Sheesh, one was bad enough.”
- You seem older with your mask on.
- I am not old. I could be your sister.
- My sister is old.
- I am not old, I could be your girlfriend.
- I don’t know, you seem a little too old.
- Let me be your girlfriend.
- I hardly know you.
- I can cook for you.
- I do like food.
- And I can clean your teeth whenever you want!
- Now you’re just being creepy.
“Hello Doctor.”
“Hello. How is your mind?”
“Um, yeah, good, everything’s good.”
- What kind of question is that?
- I’m crazy.
- Why are you my doctor?
- Because I have your x-rays.
- Where did you get those from???
“No cavities…..”
- Damn, I could’ve used a cavity or two.
- Ah ha, I have defeated your idle threats!
“You should get those wisdom teeth pulled. They could cause problems in the future.”
- I shall operate on you one way or another!
“I don’t have dental insurance right now, and the nice nurse said I could put that off for a while.”
“Hmm.”
- I do not believe you.
- Don’t cut my mouth open.
- Say please.
- Please.
- Say with cherries on top.
- Pretty please, with cherries on top.
- No.
“I am still going to recommend surgery.”
“So I guess I shouldn’t just tie some string around them and a doorhandle?”
“No.”
- You are not funny.
- I’m sorry.
- You shouldn’t try to be funny.
- It’s how I deal with people who try to cut open my mouth.
“Hope you have a good new year.”
“Same to you.”
- I hope your teeth fall out.
- I hope someone steals your Mercedes.
The doctor leaves the room.
“Now, I want to see you in here in six months, so we can check up on the condition of those gums.”
- I don’t know if I can wait six months to see you again, parting is such sweet sorrow.
“Alright.”
- I’m never coming back here again.
- You’ve said that before, after the last lady bleed you for an hour and a half, yet here you are.
- But I stayed away for three years.
- What conviction you have, three whole years!
- You don’t have to be bitter.
- It’s all I have left. Please don’t leave me!
- I must go, my mouth is sore.
“You can pay at the front desk.”
Front desk.
“Did you want to make an appointment for six months?”
“I think I’ll wait on that.”
- You’re not coming back are you?
- Not a chance in hell.
- I don’t care.
- You are quite attractive.
- Don’t look at me.
- Wait, did I go to high school with you?
- You don’t deserve to look at me.
- I think I did….hey, look, I got my teeth cleaned.
- Is that blood on your shirt?
- I’m a bleeder….
“How did you want to pay for this?”
“Oh, could you, uh…bill my parents, or put it on their account or whatever?”
“Sure thing.”
- I still live with my parents.
- Loser.
- I can’t afford these appointments.
- You aren’t good enough for me, why do you look at me?
- You are pretty.
- I am beautiful.
- Are you happy?
- I am evil, I do not need to be happy.
- There is another way.
- Look around me, THIS is the only way.
“Do you want a receipt to take home?”
- A receipt for something you didn’t pay for? So you can take home to mommy?
“Yeah, sure.”
- My mommy likes receipts.
“Here you go.”
“Thanks, have a nice day.”
- Rot in hell loser.
- I’ll get right on that, bitch.
- I could kick your ass.
- Hey, did you ever have Lester in high school? I hear he was quite the ladies man.
By Matt Kenney
Based on the true story of a dentist appointment
“Hi, Matt Kenney……I have an appointment….at one…”
- You don’t deserve a response.
- I’m going to awkwardly stand here until you acknowledge my appointment.
- You don’t have an appointment.
- Yes I do, I made one for Thursday at one.
- Today is Wednesday.
- But someone cancelled and needed my slot and switched with me.
- I do not acknowledge switches.
- I’ll just go over in the corner and read up on Bush’s new tax plan.
Ten to fifteen minutes pass by.
“Hi, Gloria Fleschman, I have an appointment at one.”
“Oh, Mrs. Fleschman, have a seat and we will be right with you.”
Five minutes pass.
“Come on back Gloria.”
- I was here first.
- She’s more important than you, she’s old.
- But she wasn’t first.
- Shut up and stay in the corner.
- I like tax cuts.
Fifteen minutes pass.
- If you don’t let me in now, I’ll leave.
- Good, we don’t like you.
- Damn you people, what is the point of an appointment if you don’t keep them?!
- Why don’t you cry about it, baby. We’re busy.
- Everyone’s busy!
- Your teeth don’t deserve cleaning.
Five more minutes.
“Matt?”
“Yeah!”
- My time has come! I shall rule all who dwell within these tiny rooms!
“When was the last time you were in here, three years ago?”
“Yeah….”
“We can’t find your file. George, it’s been over a year, his file must be upstairs, can you go look for it?”
- We’ve lost your file.
- Not my file!
- Your file is unimportant to us.
- But look at all of those files behind you, there must be thousands! I’m not more important than any of those files?
- No.
“You can take your seat again.”
- I don’t want my seat.
- Is that a magazine on the economy in your hand?
- I’m reading about Bush’s tax plan.
- Sounds sooo interesting……loser.
- I’ll just go sit down over there in the corner.
Ten minutes pass.
“Matt, hey how are you doing, you can come back now.”
- Careful, this could be a trick.
- No tricks, I’m not evil like the others.
- You are different, you…..smile.
I am lead to a tiny makeshift room in the back.
“It’s been a while for you, eh?”
“Yeah, I’ve been at college.”
“Ah, where do you go?”
“Villanova.”
- That’s not far enough.
- I’m sorry.
- You were able to come here, but didn’t.
- I’m sorry.
“There’s some build up here.”
- You do not know how to brush.
- I brush well enough.
- Must I show you how to brush?
“I’m sorry, are your feeling sore?”
“Naw, not ath all.” (my mouth was drowning in it’s own saliva and suction tubes and fingers)
“Turn towards me.”
- Look at me. Look into my eyes. They will give you strength.
- I don’t need strength, you are gentle with the metal prodding thingy.
- Do not be brave, this must hurt you.
“This hurt a lot more last time I was here.”
- Thank you for being gentle with me.
- I told you earlier, I’m not evil, like the others.
“Turn towards me again.”
- You have nice eyes.
- Stop salivating so much.
- I can’t help it.
“This is just air.”
- I’ll dry it out myself since you won’t help.
- I’m sorry.
“I have four older sisters, one of them went to Villanova.”
- I am the youngest of five.
“I have an older sister.”
- She’s crazy.
“Imagine her, times four.”
- I’m young, like you.
“Sheesh, one was bad enough.”
- You seem older with your mask on.
- I am not old. I could be your sister.
- My sister is old.
- I am not old, I could be your girlfriend.
- I don’t know, you seem a little too old.
- Let me be your girlfriend.
- I hardly know you.
- I can cook for you.
- I do like food.
- And I can clean your teeth whenever you want!
- Now you’re just being creepy.
“Hello Doctor.”
“Hello. How is your mind?”
“Um, yeah, good, everything’s good.”
- What kind of question is that?
- I’m crazy.
- Why are you my doctor?
- Because I have your x-rays.
- Where did you get those from???
“No cavities…..”
- Damn, I could’ve used a cavity or two.
- Ah ha, I have defeated your idle threats!
“You should get those wisdom teeth pulled. They could cause problems in the future.”
- I shall operate on you one way or another!
“I don’t have dental insurance right now, and the nice nurse said I could put that off for a while.”
“Hmm.”
- I do not believe you.
- Don’t cut my mouth open.
- Say please.
- Please.
- Say with cherries on top.
- Pretty please, with cherries on top.
- No.
“I am still going to recommend surgery.”
“So I guess I shouldn’t just tie some string around them and a doorhandle?”
“No.”
- You are not funny.
- I’m sorry.
- You shouldn’t try to be funny.
- It’s how I deal with people who try to cut open my mouth.
“Hope you have a good new year.”
“Same to you.”
- I hope your teeth fall out.
- I hope someone steals your Mercedes.
The doctor leaves the room.
“Now, I want to see you in here in six months, so we can check up on the condition of those gums.”
- I don’t know if I can wait six months to see you again, parting is such sweet sorrow.
“Alright.”
- I’m never coming back here again.
- You’ve said that before, after the last lady bleed you for an hour and a half, yet here you are.
- But I stayed away for three years.
- What conviction you have, three whole years!
- You don’t have to be bitter.
- It’s all I have left. Please don’t leave me!
- I must go, my mouth is sore.
“You can pay at the front desk.”
Front desk.
“Did you want to make an appointment for six months?”
“I think I’ll wait on that.”
- You’re not coming back are you?
- Not a chance in hell.
- I don’t care.
- You are quite attractive.
- Don’t look at me.
- Wait, did I go to high school with you?
- You don’t deserve to look at me.
- I think I did….hey, look, I got my teeth cleaned.
- Is that blood on your shirt?
- I’m a bleeder….
“How did you want to pay for this?”
“Oh, could you, uh…bill my parents, or put it on their account or whatever?”
“Sure thing.”
- I still live with my parents.
- Loser.
- I can’t afford these appointments.
- You aren’t good enough for me, why do you look at me?
- You are pretty.
- I am beautiful.
- Are you happy?
- I am evil, I do not need to be happy.
- There is another way.
- Look around me, THIS is the only way.
“Do you want a receipt to take home?”
- A receipt for something you didn’t pay for? So you can take home to mommy?
“Yeah, sure.”
- My mommy likes receipts.
“Here you go.”
“Thanks, have a nice day.”
- Rot in hell loser.
- I’ll get right on that, bitch.
- I could kick your ass.
- Hey, did you ever have Lester in high school? I hear he was quite the ladies man.