Brigits_Flame, November Entry 01: Wine.
Okay. New month, new contest. Let's see if I can remember my deadlines.
Apologies for never finishing Week 2's from October. Got sick of it, stuck to the election headlines, neglected my B_F. It won't happen again.
But hey! Let's see if I can be tempted into writing fiction for next week (assuming I make it). Haha, this Nonfiction class I'm ( Read more... )
Comments 48
and ELOQUENT
and WHY DO YOU NOT COOK ME THINGS WITH WINE AREN'T WE FRIENDS WHY DO YOU REFUSE THESE SORTS OF THINGS
i liked it. it was quite cute.
your dialogue is c'est magnifique.
or c'esqastawtlewajigtlaiwj
so tired i am so tired
please make me purple cheese the next
time i am int own
i will write hyou a poem about purple cheese
ahem
PURPLE CHEESE
the cheese, it is purple
the color of the cheese
i have proclaimed that cheese
will evermore, forevermore
be purple
prueproel
oh god how would you even pronounce that alst weord
I DID NOT GET DRUNK FOR THE PROMPT I AM JUST REALLY TIRED AND SAD
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which is also excleltned
muy excelelnted
exccelllenteeeee
fuck my life
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-D
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ffppfffft
fart
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You've been a foo-oool and so have I
so come and be my wi-i-ife
and let us try
befo-ore we die
to ma-ake some sense of li-i-ife.
-D
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I actually sat forward in my chair, my brain going "UH OH," when you picked up the knife. I thought somebody was going to lose a hand.
Purple cheese... oh, dear. XD
Lilting and fun; I like it! :D
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8D
I've messed cereal up before...
You seem to have a penchant for colorful milk. :P I've seen that in action -- my mom eats blueberries in milk sometimes. She said it was an East Coast thing when I expressed my incredulity...?
Hahaha. I had Lucky Charms for dessert all the time in the dining commons last year. 8D
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But Lucky Charms, to me? not even good dessert. Those marshmallows are crunchy in a way that alarms me a little bit.
Also, where do you go to school?
-D
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Ok, grammar-wise, I only spotted two mistakes:
1. You know, it’s the Argentinian wines that are really coming into their own these days - "Argentinian" should be spelt "Argentinean".
2. each about 5 or 6 bucks per bottle - My English teacher always told us that the rule for writing numbers is that anything less than one hundred should be written in words.
I really liked this piece. The structure was unusual, very scattered and the paragraphs were barely connected to each other, but it worked. I loved how light-hearted and fun the tone was. The idea of purple macaroni and cheese made me laugh aloud, as did the description of the venture as a scientific experiment and the way the knife was used as a bottle opener. This piece had a lively energy about it and was enjoyable to read. Great job and good luck! :)
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I feel like one of my big problems is I just can't sustain focus for a particularly long time on a given topic; I write like I talk and I skip around _a lot_.
Thanks for the edit! I'm going to try and aim for more coherency and consistency across paragraphs. Keep an eye on me - can just sort of arbitrarily assign/request that you keep tabs on how well I make paragraph-transitions?
I mean, you certainly don't have to! But yes. thank you kindly!
-D
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I think you misunderstood me about the paragraphs, I think your style works really well. I'll definitely be reading more of your stuff though :).
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Cheers.
-D
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Okay! Well. Fun story! I, too, enjoy cooking with wine, but it's generally a bit outside my budget. I have, however, had a few experiments of science end up in my fridge - that's the best way to find delicious new meals, in my opinion. My favorite part has to be the very end: Purpled cheese, though. That's a little weird.
For the more specific edit, I'm going to bold suggested additions as well as around any punctuation changes and strike through words and phrases I suggest removing:
...I said, the other day last week. That seems kind of specific and vague at the same time. Try just "last week" or "the other day" or something more along the lines of "one day last week".
Alex and I were in Schnucks, which is a grocery store.
Alex did not care at all, and but I couldn't tell.
should I get the Yellowtail - the one with the kangaroo on the label - or Little Penguin - the one with the, er, little penguin ( ... )
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So The knife went into the cork again, and this time I was perhaps a bit too forceful, because the cork shot down into the neck of the bottle...
The spray coated my glass, the stove, and the counter. That's a grammar note only - I like it the way it is, as far as flow goes.
I moved angrily to kick the oven, but thought against it. The second half of that is a fragment - it needs a subject or the preceding comma should be removed. Also, rather than 'thought against it', I would say 'thought better' or, preferably, 'decided against it.'
Breathed. Also fragment, but fixing that would break the flow, I think.
I poured out the proper measure of wine, and the béchamel sauce became an alarming raspberry sort of color.
...in the casserole pan, after having spent the night foil-wrapped in the fridge, the pasta had absorbed...
Seeing the two casseroles side-by-side that night at dinner... I think you may want to fix your time scale by saying 'the following night' or ' ( ... )
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Much obliged for your crit; I haven't had a substantive grammar edit like this in months, and I just got workshopped in a writing class last week! I am humbled and thankful.
I'm also glad you liked the story in toto! This is a fine thing. I wish you luck in return, although statistically I don't think you have much to worry about if we're only losing one writer this week.
-D
:)
-D
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Well played, me.
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