Brigits_Flame, November Entry 01: Wine.
Okay. New month, new contest. Let's see if I can remember my deadlines.
Apologies for never finishing Week 2's from October. Got sick of it, stuck to the election headlines, neglected my B_F. It won't happen again.
But hey! Let's see if I can be tempted into writing fiction for next week (assuming I make it). Haha, this Nonfiction class I'm ( Read more... )
Okay! Well. Fun story! I, too, enjoy cooking with wine, but it's generally a bit outside my budget. I have, however, had a few experiments of science end up in my fridge - that's the best way to find delicious new meals, in my opinion. My favorite part has to be the very end: Purpled cheese, though. That's a little weird.
For the more specific edit, I'm going to bold suggested additions as well as around any punctuation changes and strike through words and phrases I suggest removing:
...I said, the other day last week. That seems kind of specific and vague at the same time. Try just "last week" or "the other day" or something more along the lines of "one day last week".
Alex and I were in Schnucks, which is a grocery store.
Alex did not care at all, and but I couldn't tell.
should I get the Yellowtail - the one with the kangaroo on the label - or Little Penguin - the one with the, er, little penguin ( ... )
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So The knife went into the cork again, and this time I was perhaps a bit too forceful, because the cork shot down into the neck of the bottle...
The spray coated my glass, the stove, and the counter. That's a grammar note only - I like it the way it is, as far as flow goes.
I moved angrily to kick the oven, but thought against it. The second half of that is a fragment - it needs a subject or the preceding comma should be removed. Also, rather than 'thought against it', I would say 'thought better' or, preferably, 'decided against it.'
Breathed. Also fragment, but fixing that would break the flow, I think.
I poured out the proper measure of wine, and the béchamel sauce became an alarming raspberry sort of color.
...in the casserole pan, after having spent the night foil-wrapped in the fridge, the pasta had absorbed...
Seeing the two casseroles side-by-side that night at dinner... I think you may want to fix your time scale by saying 'the following night' or ' ( ... )
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Much obliged for your crit; I haven't had a substantive grammar edit like this in months, and I just got workshopped in a writing class last week! I am humbled and thankful.
I'm also glad you liked the story in toto! This is a fine thing. I wish you luck in return, although statistically I don't think you have much to worry about if we're only losing one writer this week.
-D
:)
-D
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Well played, me.
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I feel terrible for that one writer, though it seems like we'll probably have to have a run-off.
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... I need to stop reading newspapers.
-D
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