Back Again
It's hilarious to me that I have sporadically used Livejournal since I was in high school. Looking back, my last post was 7 years ago. This time I'm going to try to be more consistent, but because I'm using journaling as a therapy tool. I tried journaling by hand, other sites, and yet here I am, back again. Most of posts will be private - not that I think anyone would ever think to look here again, but not this one.
This morning driving to work I started cycling through some bad memories. I try to not even think about the past - it's over and done with and should not define me anymore, but that's part of my problem. I've never figured out how to address the most basic issues that I have.
Here is the root of some of my problems. A 24 year old hurt that I've never really gotten over.
Last night I was watching This Is Us - and in the episode I watched there was a scene where Kate, the "fat girl," went to the pool as a child and her pretty little circle of friends gave her a note saying something like, "We don't want to play with you any more. You embarrass us." I never received a note to that effect, but I was best friends with some girls when I was young and I got dumped in 3rd grade. Some beautiful, popular, well-to-do girls in the neighborhood that I have since called "The Brentwood Snobs." Usually when I think of them my gut reaction is to say that well yes, I was a spoiled brat and probably not fun to play with, or to say they were kids and I can't hold it against them, anything to somehow rationalize that this wasn't anyone's fault or all that bad. But I'm supposed to be working on getting angry, to feel these feelings I always repress, and these girls destroyed me. My heart was broken in a million pieces. I even wrote my first poem, which happened to be suicidal, then - when I was 8.
And thus the advent of my never really feeling comfortable in my peer group. I would feel pretty solid with adults until 5th grade (so when I was 10), but I think this might be the root of a lot of the hurt that has lasted with me my entire life. I'm always worried that what I do isn't "right" - that my intentions which are 99% good, will be seen negatively. That my foot will be in my mouth and that people will not like me and will reject me. So for awhile I hated pretty, popular people. And I still have a bias towards them, to tell you the truth. An inherent distrust.
I've got to wrap this up, but a few more tidbits to get them out there.
One of the girls' mom made her invite me to a sleep over in an RV after the fall out. I was SO excited and so desperate to please. I know I ate dog food. And that was the end of that.
After my dad died, one of the girls wrote me a letter. My favorite of the girls, if truth be told. Who if she had been a bit stronger might have continued to be friends with me when we were kids. We got friendlier in high school. In her letter she said how she would see me sitting all alone on the bus and wondering what I was thinking and what my life was like. And since this was after my dad blew his brains out (inappropriate humor in sad situation, yes, noted), obviously life wasn't great. It was touching, and I appreciate it, but the funny thing to me is that I don't really remember riding the bus to school, much less sitting alone. I'm sure I did - but her letter, and remembering her letter and knowing that other people saw me as sad as I felt, just makes it worse.
So how do I address this and heal? This gaping wound full of scar tissue that has built over two decades and influenced most of my other friendships and my life. I would only have one best friend at a time after that, and never really trusted that I wouldn't just be dumped. I never felt like I was worthwhile enough to put myself forward in friend groups, never felt that people actually liked me but just put up with me. And here I am, 32 years old, too socially phobic to go out and make friends. I do have some really good ones that I've made over the years, but without the internet I doubt I'd keep in touch with any of them. Only my sister is stuck with me for life (yes, should not say "stuck with me"), and out of two sisters I'm only close to one.
And that is that for today, time to work and dry these tears.
This morning driving to work I started cycling through some bad memories. I try to not even think about the past - it's over and done with and should not define me anymore, but that's part of my problem. I've never figured out how to address the most basic issues that I have.
Here is the root of some of my problems. A 24 year old hurt that I've never really gotten over.
Last night I was watching This Is Us - and in the episode I watched there was a scene where Kate, the "fat girl," went to the pool as a child and her pretty little circle of friends gave her a note saying something like, "We don't want to play with you any more. You embarrass us." I never received a note to that effect, but I was best friends with some girls when I was young and I got dumped in 3rd grade. Some beautiful, popular, well-to-do girls in the neighborhood that I have since called "The Brentwood Snobs." Usually when I think of them my gut reaction is to say that well yes, I was a spoiled brat and probably not fun to play with, or to say they were kids and I can't hold it against them, anything to somehow rationalize that this wasn't anyone's fault or all that bad. But I'm supposed to be working on getting angry, to feel these feelings I always repress, and these girls destroyed me. My heart was broken in a million pieces. I even wrote my first poem, which happened to be suicidal, then - when I was 8.
And thus the advent of my never really feeling comfortable in my peer group. I would feel pretty solid with adults until 5th grade (so when I was 10), but I think this might be the root of a lot of the hurt that has lasted with me my entire life. I'm always worried that what I do isn't "right" - that my intentions which are 99% good, will be seen negatively. That my foot will be in my mouth and that people will not like me and will reject me. So for awhile I hated pretty, popular people. And I still have a bias towards them, to tell you the truth. An inherent distrust.
I've got to wrap this up, but a few more tidbits to get them out there.
One of the girls' mom made her invite me to a sleep over in an RV after the fall out. I was SO excited and so desperate to please. I know I ate dog food. And that was the end of that.
After my dad died, one of the girls wrote me a letter. My favorite of the girls, if truth be told. Who if she had been a bit stronger might have continued to be friends with me when we were kids. We got friendlier in high school. In her letter she said how she would see me sitting all alone on the bus and wondering what I was thinking and what my life was like. And since this was after my dad blew his brains out (inappropriate humor in sad situation, yes, noted), obviously life wasn't great. It was touching, and I appreciate it, but the funny thing to me is that I don't really remember riding the bus to school, much less sitting alone. I'm sure I did - but her letter, and remembering her letter and knowing that other people saw me as sad as I felt, just makes it worse.
So how do I address this and heal? This gaping wound full of scar tissue that has built over two decades and influenced most of my other friendships and my life. I would only have one best friend at a time after that, and never really trusted that I wouldn't just be dumped. I never felt like I was worthwhile enough to put myself forward in friend groups, never felt that people actually liked me but just put up with me. And here I am, 32 years old, too socially phobic to go out and make friends. I do have some really good ones that I've made over the years, but without the internet I doubt I'd keep in touch with any of them. Only my sister is stuck with me for life (yes, should not say "stuck with me"), and out of two sisters I'm only close to one.
And that is that for today, time to work and dry these tears.