Frusrated with me
Sometimes i really just hate myself, everything about me. I feel so... I donno, gross i guess the word is, maybe just disgusted. My head has a way of making me hate myself more, just a voice that cuts me down within myself. And my heart... God my heart makes my head believe things can be, false hope, lies that i know are lies but end up believing eventually. I don't know whats worse, but then again they both end up making me hate myself even more.
I have such big insicurities, even though i probably shouldn't, i mean i'm average i'm not really hideous but i don't feel pretty either. I feel so unattractive and unwanted. Its pathetic. I'm bending over backwards to try to make myself feel somewhat attractive, but no matter how hard i try i just feel worse. I evdn thought about make up, which i've prided myself for being natural for forever, but my "natural beauty" doesn't make me feel so beautiful.
"i know it's wrong and i know it's right, even if i tried to ewin the fight, my heart would over rule my mind, and i'm not strong enough to stay away." words so true. I try to be rational and remember no good comes from this but my heart says "you love him, he's here, there's always hope." and i lose my rationality. I know for a fact that the love of my life won't just say "i love you i want to be with you" but yet there is still doubt in my voice when i say i know it wont be. We may be becoming really good friends again and had conversations about this whole situation. His excuse "it's not that i don't want to be with you its just it hasn't worked before and i don't want to mess this up" i don't want to mess this up either but at the same time i want the risk because i want to be happy with him again. God, i'm even tempted to be like "hey lets try this, if its starting to get weird or we aren't liking it lets step back and pretend it never happened" but i know i couldn't do it. My heart melts for him, he's the only guy i know that can destroy me by saying my name.
I hate all of this, i wish my life was like an old classic romantic comedy, 16 candles, a guy you hardly know, but you secretly love ends up sweeping you off ypur feet in the end. The end. But life isn't a movie.
Somebody out there please tell me i'm sane, tell me i'm doinv the right thing by swallowing my feelings. Someone just tell me i'm not stupid.
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