little
little i just got off the phone with you for the last time before you're gone abroad in the netherlands for eight months. and that is true on two accounts: that was the last time and you are gone. both could be amended "for now" but really it was the last time as we are or were, and you are gone. for now. but when you get back i won't be here. even if i don't go to new york, i don't want to be here. maybe i will later but now you are gone i have no reason to be here. i could vomit. i easily could. i am sick with this. when i had you here it felt like i had so much, not everything but certainly more than enough. now that you aren't here i know that i only had you. i can't keep doing this i need to learn how to be single. not just alone, but single. independently happy. with solid friendships that i feel good about and can be fulfilled by. i don't have that.
i don't know why you acted like you did on the phone. you were distant and cold. disinterested. maybe you had to do it because you've begun to prepare yourself for getting over me. i haven't. i don't want to stop loving you because i haven't loved like this in years. i want to get over you in that i don't want to cry about you being gone all the time and and i don't want to feel an emptiness in me and my life without you. everything reminds me of you and thus your absence. it is so absolute, your absence. it is one of those unfathomably un-bendable, nonnegotiable, solid facts that you and i are so bad at comprehending. this town is yours.
should i commit to pausing or ending my love for you? it really is impractical to hope that in a year and eight months you will come to new york to live with me. it really is implausible. but romance can happen like that, can't it? should i consciously destroy my love for you? or should i just ignore it so that i can live, and hope it doesn't die before i get to see you again? and what if it should be gone when you aren't anymore, either through destruction or malnourishment? could it not be sparked again? like a chemical reaction that cannot help but occur when the two chemicals are present?
once again i am shameless and prideless in my love. i will humiliate myself for this. i don't know why that is necessary, but i will not be discreet in my pain. will i? will it embarrass you? yes. but what is the alternative? both of us silently discreetly squashing our love and having some silent understanding that the other hurts? that isn't loud enough. that isn't anything. that is a paragraph that ends in the middle of the second sentence. that is a song that trails into silence in the middle of the most dramatic crescendo. that is a lover that lets you start coming and then withdraws their touch and leaves.
i won't be able to watch you swallow your love and put that definitive bit of distance between us without wanting to hurt you for it. why can't i just wish you well? even if that means forgetting me entirely? if i loved you selflessly i would. right? i have had the suspicion that my love is self centered. am i in love with you loving me? i am certainly in awe of it, and i love that you do. maybe. but there is certainly more since people have loved me before without this effect. am i in love with how you make me feel? no because often times you can wound my pride worse than anyone else. why is that? do i feel insecure in your feelings for me when they aren't outwardly obvious? or am i just afraid of being ridiculous? i didn't used to be. i was all for it. what brought on this seriousness? maybe i can just learn good and successful habits and then drop the seriousness. powerlessness, humility, forgiveness (more than just forgetting), compassion, serenity, purpose, faith, humor, levity.
what is best? forget you or remember you and hold you up as a reason to succeed? could i inspire myself to change for you? you accept me unconditionally. the only things about me that you reject are my judgments on you and others, my combativeness and my pride. do i wound your pride in unexpected ways like you do me? i don't know. how do i be more aware of that while still being myself and honest? and am i the reason we fight or are you? is it a combination? what can i do to be more pleasant? i'll establish good habits. this doesn't have to be for you or in spite of you. but it seems either/or to me. i could just release this. how? i want to 'leave only good wishes behind' for you. so what now? live my life for me? i need to make money for me, i need to see the world for me. but it all sounds so lonely. maybe i just need to learn to open up and be more receptive to strangers. people that can do that seem to do the best in travel and in life. am i hard to approach? if so how do i look more approachable? be more open. be more open. be more open be more open be more open. live beyond reproach. i have learned to apologize. but i hate to because it means i have done something wrong and made negativity. i want none of that. is it avoidable or is it part of living? or can there be discourse without that feeling of combined guilt and malicious defensiveness and confusion that i associate? the confusion comes from not knowing when i am in the wrong or not. when someone has a problem with me or something i've said or done, i never know if i am right or wrong according to my self. i only know they think i'm wrong. and i concede. pretty much every time. and then i think "wait i just conceded only because they are mad. maybe i'm not wrong, maybe they are being selfish or over sensitive." and its not fair to me if i am absorbing everyone's negativity if i don't deserve it. if i had a code of morals i believed in absolutely, i would be able to reject the negativity i didn't deserve, and defend myself. but i can't. but conversely, i am responsible for any negativity around me. right? i don't know. i want to go to a 12 step meeting. you can talk about these things there right?
i don't know why you acted like you did on the phone. you were distant and cold. disinterested. maybe you had to do it because you've begun to prepare yourself for getting over me. i haven't. i don't want to stop loving you because i haven't loved like this in years. i want to get over you in that i don't want to cry about you being gone all the time and and i don't want to feel an emptiness in me and my life without you. everything reminds me of you and thus your absence. it is so absolute, your absence. it is one of those unfathomably un-bendable, nonnegotiable, solid facts that you and i are so bad at comprehending. this town is yours.
should i commit to pausing or ending my love for you? it really is impractical to hope that in a year and eight months you will come to new york to live with me. it really is implausible. but romance can happen like that, can't it? should i consciously destroy my love for you? or should i just ignore it so that i can live, and hope it doesn't die before i get to see you again? and what if it should be gone when you aren't anymore, either through destruction or malnourishment? could it not be sparked again? like a chemical reaction that cannot help but occur when the two chemicals are present?
once again i am shameless and prideless in my love. i will humiliate myself for this. i don't know why that is necessary, but i will not be discreet in my pain. will i? will it embarrass you? yes. but what is the alternative? both of us silently discreetly squashing our love and having some silent understanding that the other hurts? that isn't loud enough. that isn't anything. that is a paragraph that ends in the middle of the second sentence. that is a song that trails into silence in the middle of the most dramatic crescendo. that is a lover that lets you start coming and then withdraws their touch and leaves.
i won't be able to watch you swallow your love and put that definitive bit of distance between us without wanting to hurt you for it. why can't i just wish you well? even if that means forgetting me entirely? if i loved you selflessly i would. right? i have had the suspicion that my love is self centered. am i in love with you loving me? i am certainly in awe of it, and i love that you do. maybe. but there is certainly more since people have loved me before without this effect. am i in love with how you make me feel? no because often times you can wound my pride worse than anyone else. why is that? do i feel insecure in your feelings for me when they aren't outwardly obvious? or am i just afraid of being ridiculous? i didn't used to be. i was all for it. what brought on this seriousness? maybe i can just learn good and successful habits and then drop the seriousness. powerlessness, humility, forgiveness (more than just forgetting), compassion, serenity, purpose, faith, humor, levity.
what is best? forget you or remember you and hold you up as a reason to succeed? could i inspire myself to change for you? you accept me unconditionally. the only things about me that you reject are my judgments on you and others, my combativeness and my pride. do i wound your pride in unexpected ways like you do me? i don't know. how do i be more aware of that while still being myself and honest? and am i the reason we fight or are you? is it a combination? what can i do to be more pleasant? i'll establish good habits. this doesn't have to be for you or in spite of you. but it seems either/or to me. i could just release this. how? i want to 'leave only good wishes behind' for you. so what now? live my life for me? i need to make money for me, i need to see the world for me. but it all sounds so lonely. maybe i just need to learn to open up and be more receptive to strangers. people that can do that seem to do the best in travel and in life. am i hard to approach? if so how do i look more approachable? be more open. be more open. be more open be more open be more open. live beyond reproach. i have learned to apologize. but i hate to because it means i have done something wrong and made negativity. i want none of that. is it avoidable or is it part of living? or can there be discourse without that feeling of combined guilt and malicious defensiveness and confusion that i associate? the confusion comes from not knowing when i am in the wrong or not. when someone has a problem with me or something i've said or done, i never know if i am right or wrong according to my self. i only know they think i'm wrong. and i concede. pretty much every time. and then i think "wait i just conceded only because they are mad. maybe i'm not wrong, maybe they are being selfish or over sensitive." and its not fair to me if i am absorbing everyone's negativity if i don't deserve it. if i had a code of morals i believed in absolutely, i would be able to reject the negativity i didn't deserve, and defend myself. but i can't. but conversely, i am responsible for any negativity around me. right? i don't know. i want to go to a 12 step meeting. you can talk about these things there right?