(no subject)
once again, you are next to me only this time you are not lyla; this time you are savannah and no you might not have a drinking problem, but why was i having a great time and then I was with you and I felt like shit? I don't feel like shit because i need to regulate your drinking, so why do i feel like shit? you threaten me with all of you ex boyfriends and i fall for it. and i get mad and i get furious and i slam your phone shut. maybe that is what you want but i don't know. possibly i want someone just like you. possibly i want a girl who doesn't want me one hundred percent. possibly i want a girl who isn't sure she wants me so that when we are apart and when we are together i can palpably feel her uncertainty because maybe then i'll get over myself. that way, with a girl like that, i can feel what it is to yearn for someone that doesn't give a fuck about me again. maybe i need another jenny to remind me what it feels like to be the wounded party and to remember what it is to be the one who is ignored. maybe i need that. yeah, when jenny happened it felt like shit pretty much twenty four seven, but at least i felt so much more with her than i have felt with anyone else i have been with since. i wonder what i would feel if i saw her again. i have come very close to calling her a number of times. i'd like to know what she is up to, i'd like to know what she is majoring in, i'd like to knwo where she is, but i don't feel like i'd have enough to say and i don't know how she'd make me feel. what if she made me feel nothing? i would lose hope in anyone feeling anything for anyone since she was the fucking paragon of feeling for me. If she made me feel the same way i felt in high school, then i would feel regressive and stuck in a feeling that was stale and stupid. basically, i don't know what to do. if i were to go to santa barbara, it would make sense for me to call her, but since i have no intentions of going that far south, i have no reason to call her. i really want to see her though, just so i can know if the loves i've had since her have been similar or no. and her facebook is entirely blocked, which makes me feel like she has no interest in seeing me or hearing from me ever again. very disheartening.