no more work for 3 weeks!!!!! :D
today was better. i didn't get much sleep but that didn't seem to affect me that much. it seems that 7 hours is my perfect number of hours of sleep. if i get more, i'm dead tired during the day. but when i'm on 6-7 i'm just fine. weird.. i just hate the feeilng of not being able to fall asleep until 4ish. oh well.. tonight won't be so bad b/c i took two tylenol pm.. it won't help me fall asleep faster but it sure does make for very solid sleep which is what i need.
work wasn't so bad today. i just read my book for the 3 hours before the game. i read about 50 pages so i'm almost done with this stupid book. i have tons more to read but i probably wont' read many this summer. *shrugs* that is what i should do during my 3 week break so it won't be so much to do when my TA class starts. anyway, after reading i did my usual stuff. christina's friends were at the game so i went and called in scores in the pressbox. i miss being up there and it's a place i feel comfortable and have fun so i went with it. i have an appointment tomorrow in the afternoon and told my boss that i had family stuff tomorrow so i wouldn't be able to come into work. i feel awful that i stretched the truth but there really is no need for me to be there and i really need this day off to be with my family and to myself. he owes me a day off... i deserve that...
so all in all things are looking better. i talked to kevin last night for the first time in awhile. it put my mind at ease and i'm glad i know he's doing okay. he always seems to know when i need to hear from him. i think i'm going to go see him this sunday b/c i really need one of his hugs and perhaps he could use one of mine. i'm talking to meckers now and we're planning to do something soon.. yay! i'm thinking of calling jenny up so us girls can all get together.. maybe this weekend.
a few nights ago i went to my friend matt about the situation on saturday. i needed his opinion and advice on the situation b/c i felt so alone and confused. and in the end he said i had just lost a friend. i understand he only gives the truth and won't be in the middle of people's problems. but all i wanted was a little sympathy. i felt like UTTER CRAP (i would use more severe words, but i won't) and yet he was so blunt and guilt tripped me into doing the right thing. i know what the right thing to do is and i want to do it, but given the circumstances i have to weigh when that is. but he didn't understand and that is fine. i just wish he would have been sympathetic.. to think about what i needed instead of him pressing the "truth" on me. it really hurts me that he said "fuck you" to me a couple of times and then said i had just lost a friend. i wish i could tell him that there were circumstances and my feelings were heightened and i said things i regret b/c i was vunerable and scared. but if he doesn't want to be my friend b/c he think i'm a hypocrite and doesn't like his way of giving advice, then it's his loss and not mine. but what is ironic is how similiar this parallels to a situation with tommy. eventually tommy unblocked me and we were fine, but now tommy and i never talk and i'm just afraid that will happen with me and matt. :(
but i'm not goign to dwell on it or anything that has hurt me in the past. i'm going to be strong and continue to fight my insecurities and doubts. leslie showed me that i am adored and loved by many. no matter how many people say they dont' want me in their life anymore, the ones who do want me will always be enough. shows how grateful i am for the people who actually understand me and really listen to what i am saying and feeling. for you guys who never give up on me, you will never know how grateful i am to you. it is you guys who make my life worth living. i don't know how i could live without you guys. you know who you are :)