Innocence Lost: 5/?
Title: Innocence Lost
Author: kellou24
Based On: TV Series
Rating: R/NC-17
Pairings: Eventually Nate/Jenny
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Summary: Something traumatic happened to Jenny Humphrey and she doesn't quite know how to deal with it.
Warning: Story contains VERY dark subject matter.
I rushed past a surly looking Chuck, who glanced up curiously as I passed, nursing a glass of scotch in his hand. I ignored him and opened the door to the upstairs bathroom. I leaned back against the door, closing my eyes and crossing my arms across my stomach. I breathed in deep even breaths as I felt the panic that had been racking up my body decrease.
I’d felt claustrophobic and like I couldn’t breathe as I’d sat in the foyer downstairs. Blair’s house was filled with fifty or more people, all here to celebrate Nate’s birthday and I’d felt like they were all crowding in on me so I’d ran up to the upstairs bathroom to hide like the coward I’ve become while they all played some silly little game Serena had constructed to entertain all of the guests that came out to celebrate.
‘Can’t even get through a fucking birthday party,’ I mentally scolded myself as I felt tears well up behind my closed eyelids. My arms dropped from my stomach and I banged a fist against the door in frustration.
I moved away from the door and stood in front of the mirror to survey my appearance. I was paler than normal and my hair was in a state of disarray but what really pissed me off was the terrified expression that marred my face.
A single tear rolled down my cheek and I angrily wiped it away feeling more frustrated with myself than before.
There was suddenly a knock on the door and Eric’s voice floated through the air asking if I was alright. When I didn’t bother to answer he poked his head through the door and met my eyes in the mirror. He opened his mouth to speak before shutting it and shaking his head, moving through the doorway and leaning against the door once it was closed.
I wordlessly turned around to face him, back facing the mirror and the rim of the sink pressing uncomfortably against my lower back. I watched with my face guarded as he struggled to find something to say.
“I saw you run upstairs and you seemed upset so I decided to follow you,” He explained in case I hadn’t figured that out on my own. I watched him scratch the corner of his jaw uncomfortably when I didn’t immediately reply.
“Cool.” I said in a monotone.
“Look I know I’ve been distant lately but you know you can tell me whatever it is that’s bothering you right.” He said watching my face for a reaction to his statement.
“What are you talking about?” I asked feeling my blank expression start to slip.
“You’re different. I don’t know what it is exactly but I can tell something’s wrong with you.”
“I’ve just been feeling a little bizarre lately.” I said waving off his concern.
“We’re all pretty bizarre. Some of us are just better at hiding it, that’s all.” He said giving me a pointed look. “You’re upset.”
“Well if I were happy everyday of my life I wouldn’t be a human being. I’d be a game show host.” I said pasting a smile on my face. He pressed his lips together to suppress a small laugh before calming down and giving me a knowing look.
“You do know that I’ll get you to tell me whatever it is that’s bothering you, right?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Sure you don’t.” He said his expression showing how likely he thought that was. I ignored that and instead told him that I was fine and to get back to the party. He gave me a doubtful look.
“Okay I don’t feel well but I don’t want to drag you down with me. So why don’t you go back to the party while I sit up here, okay?”
“Fine,” He said opening the door and starting to walk out. He stopped and turned his head so his eyes could meet mine one last time. “You’re not fine. I can tell when you’re lying to me and I will figure out whatever’s going on with you.” He gave me a last knowing look before closing the door behind him leaving me alone.
I spun back to face the mirror and wished I could get rid of the feeling of guilt and anger that had settled in the pit of my stomach.
I’d never lied to Eric before or at least not about something as big as this. I wish I could tell him. But I knew what would happen if I did. He’d tell dad and Lily and I just wasn’t ready for that.
I hated feeling like this.
Hate feeling bitter and guilty and angry at everyone.
But what I hated more was that I couldn’t do anything about it.
I eyed myself in the mirror feeling the anger and disgust hit me. My breathing elevated as my blood began pumping harder through my veins looking for a way to let this unused energy escape.
I didn’t realize what I’d done until I felt the sting of the glass cut into my knuckles and heard the crash of the pieces of the mirror and the contents inside the cabinet hit the sink and the floor.
“Fuck.” I cradled my fist as I breathed through my clenched teeth. I looked at my fist to see that the knuckles were bleeding a little, not enough for stitches luckily, and that they were a little swelled.
I looked to the door and hoped no one would come and investigate the noise. I bent down and quickly but carefully picked up the glass, throwing it in the trash once I was done. Then I picked up the fallen contents of the medicine cabinet.
A toothbrush, hair tie, toothpaste, dental floss, men’s razor, tampon, a pill bottle…
I finished setting the contents on the counter and sat down on the closed toilet seat as I examined the bottle of pain pills in my hand. I twisted open the lid and popped three white pills in my hand. The writing on the front read Vicodin and after a moment of indecision I grabbed the glass on the sink and filled it with some water to down the pills with.
The pills went down my throat easily to travel the path to my empty stomach. I pulled open the shower curtain and stepped over the side of the tub to lay down in it. I closed the curtain behind me and reclined back in the tub waiting for the drug to take effect.
A/N: Thank you all for your wonderful reviews and all the encouragement you've given me.
Reviews are my drug of choice.