45 days
Well, we're almost getting close to being in the home stretch..I guess we have about.45 days to go.Sometimes I feel like it gets harder with each passing day. I don't honestly know how these army wives/girlfriends do the 12-18 mth deployments... I feel like 189 days is taking forever and a day. I am sad, lonely and irritable. And it doesnt make it eaiser that we get in fights almost every time we talk. I'm starting to second guess everything... I don't know if it's just my insecurity, or the fact that I haven't gotten to see him in 142 days, or what! I hate feeling like this. I really do love him.
Plus, his ex is gonna make our lives miserable... She's moved the kids in with her and her new boyfriend, and there's pics all over her facebook page of them opening presents and decorating the tree together. I was sitting here tonight crying as I looked through them. I can't imagine how Mike must feel. It's got to break his heart...
And I sent a huge package down to them, full of presents from me and Mike, and she didn't even go pick it up before christmas. It got there at 9 am on Dec 22nd. She had the 22nd, the 23rd, and the 24th (till noon) and she didn't go get it. I know she's a single mother of two small children, but she's on a TWO WEEK VACATION, and she just moved in with her new boyfriend (which, BTW, she coudln't have possibly been dating for more than 2 1/2 months at this point. but I digress.) Mike was so upset and he said it ruined his christmas... He called her to talk to the kids and Ellen was out at the store, and the kids were home with Shelby. She could've gone to pick it up then! And THEN, she told Mike that she would go pick it up from the PO on saturday, and decided she didn't feel like it. She sent him an email saying she picked it up today, and if he was that worried about it, maybe I should have sent it sooner... omg, I wanted to smack her. I paid $30 (!!!!!) to have them shipped priority 2 day mail, and I sent it 7 days before christmas!!!!! PLENTY OF TIME! I ship about 7 to 10 packages a month, between Mike, and ebay stuff. I KNOW my post office stuff. I'm sorry if she was too lazy and selfish to put her kids christmas before her own laziness. Three days should have been more than enough time. If she wouldn't be a bitch, and would give Mike the address of the place SHE ACTUALLY LIVES (with her boyfriend) then this would've never happened.
And, on christmas, Mike and I got into a huge fight.
I know it sounds awful, but I was so upset about christmas. I don't care about the money, or anything like that, but I spent so much TIME trying to pick out gifts for him that I knew he would like. i shopped, and I baked, and I wrapped presents. I sent him three different packages. Some filled with cookies, and candy, presents, and christmas lights. I shopped for weeks online to find the perfect grill at a price I could afford. I picked through clearance racks, and found him some nice tshirts at american eagle, so he could keep his causal style he likes without feeling like he's dressing like a bum. I sat down, and wrote him a christmas letter about how much he meant to me, and how much I love him, how lucky I am to have found him, I cried most of the time I was writing it.... I made a photocube of pics of his kids-begged his exwife for pictures of the kids, photoshopped them, printed them and cute them out and made the cube. AND I photoshopped and framed a picture of all three of them together. I worked really hard on making sure he had a nice christmas. It totally sounds like I'm trying to toot my own horn here... I'm not trying to count up all the nice things I've done for him, but this really hurt me, with how much effort I put into making sure he had a nice christmas, even away from his family.... And then he told me Ellen ruined it anyway. great.
So, the thing I'm mostly upset about is what he did for me for christmas...He bought me an external hard drive for my computer. Although, he told me about it, and shipped it to me to open a week before christmas.
That's it.... not a letter, a card, a video message. Nothing. (he did get nate presents he loved, which was awesome. I will give him points for that._
He opened his presents on webcam with me. I had the christmas letter tucked inside one of the presents I had wrapped for him, and I asked him to read it out loud to me (it had been over a month since I wrote it and I forgot excatly what I put in it.) He read all the heartfelt emotional stuff, and I got choked up, remembering how I felt when I wrote it. And he said, "Thanks babe" and changed the subject and started talking about his cousin. I was crushed. That isn't like him at all. I know he loves me so much. He tells me all the time how beautiful I am and how lucky he is, and that he can't wait to marry me, so I don't know what's going on with him...
And today he said something hurtful to me... too much background needed to be able to write it all here, but I was pretty upset about it... And I know he feels awful, but he keeps doing different things like that. So out of character for him. I feel like I don't even know him sometimes.
Maybe I'm just scared of all these changes, of being in love, moving to another state, becoming someone's wife again... I don't know what's going on... I'm so confused. And I'm supposed to be moving to florida with him in 8 weeks. What am I gonna do? I have to figure out these emotions before he gets home. I hope I can find a way to deal with this. I don't want to love him just because he's a good guy. Just because it's the smart thing to do. He really is an amazing person, and he worships the ground I walk on... Like just the other night when I ran out of gas on the side of the road when it was 26 degrees out. I called him while I was waiting for the roadside people to get there.. It was like 4 am, his time.. He answered, and stayed on the phone with me until the people got there. He wouldn't let me MAKE him go back to sleep. He said there isn't much he can do, being so far away, but he CAN do the little he's able to. He told me he would use his military training to build me a fire on the side of the road, so I wouldn't be cold (i was FREEZING cold, numb toes, shivering and all!) and he would've walked the mile to the gas station all by himself.
He's a good man...It kills me to think of us not being together for the rest of our lives, or to hurt him in any way. So I guess it's just cold feet... in a manner of speaking.