Sep 11, 2009 03:43
Have you ever had something weigh so heavily on your mind and heart that it intrudes 90% of your daily thoughts? I can be sitting at a stop light and some random memory pops up and forces its way into the forefront of my mind. I wake up in the middle of the night and it's the first thing that I think of. I'm a woman on the verge of madness because I'm stuck. The man I love has issues, to put it mildly, and despite everything that he's put me through, I still love him. I love him flaws and all. In fact, it's funny because the things that I miss now, are the things that drove me crazy before-like his snoring. What I wouldn't give to have him wake me up in the middle of the night with a snore so loud you would think it would wake the dead and wildly roll over, just to stir him enough to make him change positions and stop. Every day memories make me remember why I love him and, as beautiful as those memories are, all I'm left with is just that-beautiful memories. A part of me wishes I could just erase the memory of the way he smells, the sounds of his voice, and the feeling of complete comfort, belonging and perfection that I felt laying in his arms with my head on his neck, a spot I always felt was made perfectly for me. I need something to happen. I need him to either come back to me or let him go. Unfortunately, just as I can't make him come back, I can't make myself let go. I've tried. Every guy I force myself to go out with just reminds me even more of how much I miss him. I've told him how I feel and he gives me his typical response, "I don't know." Then I hear things from other people close to him that clearly indicate that he still has strong feelings for me. I just want and need the truth and I want it from him. I'm not sure how long I can go on like this, but this limbo is a place that I can only escape if there is a "happily ever after" or complete heartbreak, neither of which looks like will happen any time soon.