Something to Chew On
After Danelle's birthday party the other night I was made aware of two new developments. Based on several text messages sent by my doctor friend, he has quite possibly misinterpreted my friendliness as hope for a potential relationship. I like him as a friend and, the fact that he's intelligent and can carry on an intellectual conversation is nice, but the fact still remains that he is 15 years older than I am. At any rate, I'm still figuring out how I want to handle this situation. I don't want to destroy the friendship but I'm not sure how to handle the rumors from the people I work with or any potential advances on his part. Despite that particular situation two of his texts have had me thinking over the past couple of days. He sent one that said something along the lines of "you're beautiful" and another that said that I should "reconsider going to med school because I'd be great." Now the beautiful one I have great difficulty in believing because I'm very critical of myself. By no means do I consider myself beautiful...not even close. What I've been chewing on is the whole med school thing. Granted it's going to be another two years before I get my BSN so it's something that I have time to think about, but is it really realistic at this point. I may be young by other people's standards but I have, in my opinion, taken a rather long detour and made several big mistakes over the course of the last few years. I guess a part of me just wants to know if I could do it. I want to do it but not only am I tired from the drama in my life that I've dealt with but also the fact that, despite the fact that I've always done well in college, I have no degree to show for it. My indecisiveness has provided me with a diverse background but has only made me question each and every fork in the road that I chose to take.
A part of me wants to know if I could, or even if I could, just make the sacrifices necessary to get through med school. Another part of me wants to do it just to prove to my mother that I can. I've never felt like she believed in anything that I've done or accomplished in my life. I remember my first C on a math test in 3rd grade. I barely made it through the day at school because I beat myself up for not getting the A. I got home and felt that I need to tell her about it. At hearing the news of my seemingly anticipated failure, she said, "OH KELLY! A C????" That only made me feel 100 times worse. Dad, on the other hand, knew just what to say to be supportive. He said, "Honey, as long as you tried your best that's all anyone can ask."
When mom and I were in the car yesterday I told her about what my doctor had said about the whole med school thing. I was just really making conversation about it at that point. Although I've thought about it off and on over the past few years it hasn't been something that I've seriously contemplated. Her response was similar to that day in 3rd grade. "Oh Kelly! You're not serious? How would you pay for it? It's so much work." To translate my mother for you, she was basically expressing her deep seeded doubt that I will ever make something of myself. Now at this point, I'm not going to lie about my reaction. It wasn't pretty. I yelled and I cried and I yelled some more. She hurt me...deeply. I have always thought that it was a parent's job to support their children, no matter what. She continues to this day to make me want to question if that is the case or if I really am a "screw up."
I've made some poor and maybe even stupid decisions in my life. At the age of almost 25 now I've scrutinized these mistakes and have learned from them. I should never have let a broken heart stand in the way of me applying for scholarships in high school that could have given me a full ride in college. I should have never married a recovering drug addict and given him complete trust and the benefit of the doubt. I should have sacrificed the social life that I've lived over the past six years and maybe then I would have been able to figure out the right roads to take instead of getting lost in the seemingly never ending detour that has become my life today.
I am a firm believer that everything in life happened for a reason. I just wish these reasons would become more apparent to me more quickly.... For now I'll just do the only thing I can do, take one day at a time.
A part of me wants to know if I could, or even if I could, just make the sacrifices necessary to get through med school. Another part of me wants to do it just to prove to my mother that I can. I've never felt like she believed in anything that I've done or accomplished in my life. I remember my first C on a math test in 3rd grade. I barely made it through the day at school because I beat myself up for not getting the A. I got home and felt that I need to tell her about it. At hearing the news of my seemingly anticipated failure, she said, "OH KELLY! A C????" That only made me feel 100 times worse. Dad, on the other hand, knew just what to say to be supportive. He said, "Honey, as long as you tried your best that's all anyone can ask."
When mom and I were in the car yesterday I told her about what my doctor had said about the whole med school thing. I was just really making conversation about it at that point. Although I've thought about it off and on over the past few years it hasn't been something that I've seriously contemplated. Her response was similar to that day in 3rd grade. "Oh Kelly! You're not serious? How would you pay for it? It's so much work." To translate my mother for you, she was basically expressing her deep seeded doubt that I will ever make something of myself. Now at this point, I'm not going to lie about my reaction. It wasn't pretty. I yelled and I cried and I yelled some more. She hurt me...deeply. I have always thought that it was a parent's job to support their children, no matter what. She continues to this day to make me want to question if that is the case or if I really am a "screw up."
I've made some poor and maybe even stupid decisions in my life. At the age of almost 25 now I've scrutinized these mistakes and have learned from them. I should never have let a broken heart stand in the way of me applying for scholarships in high school that could have given me a full ride in college. I should have never married a recovering drug addict and given him complete trust and the benefit of the doubt. I should have sacrificed the social life that I've lived over the past six years and maybe then I would have been able to figure out the right roads to take instead of getting lost in the seemingly never ending detour that has become my life today.
I am a firm believer that everything in life happened for a reason. I just wish these reasons would become more apparent to me more quickly.... For now I'll just do the only thing I can do, take one day at a time.