Not Myself
Have you ever had one of those days or even just a moment or two where you feel uncomfortable in your own skin? Ever feel like just being you is a struggle? I felt that way tonight. It's not the first time that I've felt this way, but it's the first time I think that I've really stopped to think about it. As I'm sitting there tonight in the bowling alley with my friends I realize that I am uncomfortable. I'm not uncomfortable with them, but with myself. I watch them act silly and stupid and wish that I could be more like that. I never have liked being the center of attention but sometimes I feel like being me is kind of like being invisible. Tonight, Molly, Danelle, Jamie, and myself all got strikes but mine was the only one that went unnoticed. I didn't get a hi five or even a good job. I know it sounds trivial a stupid bowling strike and all but it's more than just this isolated incident.
I love my friends, all of them. They are all different in their respective ways but they all hold special places in my heart and would be greatly missed if they were not present. This is where I question things. Sometimes I think that my presence is sometimes overlooked. I'm not the first to jump up and do something silly or spit out something clever or witty. I don't want to be the center of attention just noticed and missed if I wasn't there.
My friends aren't the bad guys here. I can't blame them for who I am. I can't even take a compliment anymore. Someone says, "You're beautiful." What do I say to myself. Who are they talking about because it's certainly not me! I look in the mirror and I see all my flaws and imperfections and know, without a doubt, that I don't deserve for anyone (friend or otherwise) to love or care about me. I so badly want to be able to be proud of the woman staring me back in the mirror and not disgusted with not only the physical but the inner me that, although good, tends to hide from the world.
I love my friends, all of them. They are all different in their respective ways but they all hold special places in my heart and would be greatly missed if they were not present. This is where I question things. Sometimes I think that my presence is sometimes overlooked. I'm not the first to jump up and do something silly or spit out something clever or witty. I don't want to be the center of attention just noticed and missed if I wasn't there.
My friends aren't the bad guys here. I can't blame them for who I am. I can't even take a compliment anymore. Someone says, "You're beautiful." What do I say to myself. Who are they talking about because it's certainly not me! I look in the mirror and I see all my flaws and imperfections and know, without a doubt, that I don't deserve for anyone (friend or otherwise) to love or care about me. I so badly want to be able to be proud of the woman staring me back in the mirror and not disgusted with not only the physical but the inner me that, although good, tends to hide from the world.