journal entry
So I just pulled out my real journal to write... since I haven't for a few months. And theres only one page left! I need a new journal!! This makes me sad. And I was thinking where else I could I just write... because I don't want it to be in some random notebook, and I don't want it on a loose piece of paper because I'll lose it... so I was thinking I should type it then so I can maybe print and add it to my journal later. Oh and then I realized no one even reads my livejournal so I could write virtually anything and easily access it here and it wouldn't even matter :)
So... blah. I've really been trying hard to figure crap out the last few weeks. It sucks. Okay so I've been in school now since January... which is about the last time I wrote in my journal. My classes are great, and oh I remember my first day in my sign language (yea, i love ASL!) class I saw this girl, Kendis. And yea I've thought girls are attractive before, but man, I felt sometihng inside me go off, my heart jumped :). Kendis was my first real 'crush' after my mission. (see remember I'm still trying to figure out dating and everything, I've been annexed from the real world for 2 years). Anyways to my surprise I was able to talk with her and exchange numbers... and was able to do that with a couple girls, odd :). And so Kendis and I met up once, got some jamba juice, then I asked her if she'd like to get dinner sometime, she said yea... And then we went out for dinner, then conveniently to see a movie we had to watch for class ;). Yeah so I'm pretty sure this was the worst date ever. I bet it was like a marriage potential candidate interview dinner. I dont know. It felt awkward. It was awkward. I liked her but I didn't know how to appropriately and in a cute but not overbearing way to show it... and I barely even knew how to say goodbye at the end of a date. That was bad. So yea, we didnt go out again.. sad.
HAHA but that was the start of a long process - well I guess not that long, yet, its just been a few months - of me trying to get back into the love scene. SO I kept dating, went out with a friend from washington. Meanwhile school is going pretty well, classes are demanding but I was really enjoying it. Oh and then I met annie, she's pretty cool, got a group and went dancing, my first time dancing/clubbing whatever you call it in 2+ years. I actually hate calling it clubbing because it makes me feel like a skank. But I do love getting a group of friends and going dancing. Anyway I also met this girl, ashley on campus and got her number in January. And I thought she was cute, but didn't really know how much I liked her... but I decided to give it a shot seeing as how other things weren't working out...
I hope that doesn't sound bad... I don't want to use anyone or just go out with them for the fun of it, but it is good to be constantly dating SOMEone, right? This is a dilemma for me, right now. But yeah ashley and I started dating in february, even though I knew it wouldn't go anywhere or last. SO yeah, and it lasted maybe 3 weeks until I felt so bad and always felt obligated to call and text her when I didnt want to that I just told her I needed to date more people haha and I used the excuse that I just came back from a mission and am not ready for a girlfriend (probably about 10% true). HAH.
Okay so this 'break up' probably happened... early march? Meanwhile school is going well, I am meeting other new friends and girls.. oh and I got a job, keeping me even more unnecessarily busy... oh and also I've started gettin close to a friend from california via phone and online. A good friend that I care for but have never dreamed of a relationship out of fear of ruining a rare and very satisfying nearly best-friendship with nothing more attached. So mid march, after the whole ashley thing, I start hanging out with this girl from my religion class, addie. We have fun together, go out to this festival of colors and have a GREAT time together... I am seeing good potential here.
And then conference weekend comes, this is just one weekend ago. My friend from cali decided to come into town and visit some people during her week off and we joke around a lot of about spending 'almost best friend' bonding time together. or abfbt. and we have a abftdl, or almost best friend to do list including ice skating, pictures, running, watching a certain movie, coming to my hockey game, etc. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I just didnt know what to think and avoided thought or preparation for what would happen if we didnt spend that much time together. So she came into town... I kind of blew off addie for a few days :(. And yes, unexpected, unanticipated, unprepared for, basically un-everything happened.
This whole time I am a very cautious person. I don't let myself get too close to girls, or guys, or anyone, that I don't really care for. Ashley was kind of an exception and it started eating at me after just a week or 2 so I had to end it. So with my almost best friend in town I was the same way. we clicked, we had fun, we liked each other, we could tell. but I didn't want to open up. I was scared.
After 2 days together we started acting pretty couple-ish i guess you can say, not around our friends or known to others...but with each other, and during our 'bonding time'. oh, like you know that feeling when you REALLY start to like someone? and you really start to care about them, and you look at each other in the eyes and just kind of laugh and enjoy it, and nothing makes youhappier than to just have them in your arms... Yes... and then you can tell you're opening a spot in your heart for them... do you know this feeling?? its hard to describe but I'm sure you know what I mean. Well, it's been a LONG time since I've opened up like that. And i didnt want to. And so my abf and I talked. and first i decided we shouldnt do this to ourselves becasue it won't work out (many reasons, one being distance). And also she came to the same conclusion. :/
So all's fine, right? We're both unanimous. We'll move along.
Well decisions are one thing, when you're all alone, weighing out the pros and cons, try to be rational... BUT being around someone and feeling extremely attracted to them and wanting to squeeze them and hold them in your arms for hours is another thing. Very different. That was a rough saturday night after deciding we shouldn't be together. At least deciding that now wasnt the time and place.
And so that night around 5am i went running and running, long and hard, felt like i should be in a movie and do something dramatic but didn't luckily. And I just started thinking... wow. Okay so now she knows how I feel, I know how she feels... and wait... why is it that we both decided this won't work? There's so many reasons, but at the same time there's not a single worthy reason I can think of.
And that day, the next day, it was a sunday. We spent some time together. And instead of me being hesitant and worried and selfish not wanting to get myself hurt, I decided to open up. I figured well, this is it. She's in town one more day, I've already felt the high of highs beign with her and a long, hard, night accepting that I'd be without her, and her without me. And so I went for it. I kissed her in the morning, contrary to what we both decided. And after getting ready we went for a drive... went up into the mountains.
We drove around, finally stopping at a park. we were together. we let ourselves be together. I let myself. I guess I opened my heart... exactly what I'm so hesitant and afraid about. It was a pleasant afternoon :). We had dinner with my relatives in utah where at first I thought we'd do the whole around other people, pretend like we were just friends thing... and she quietly asked if it was okay to hug me... I said yes. I wish I would've said only if you really mean it. We embraced and acted couple-esque in front of my utah relatives that evening. It was nice.
So then sunday night came. We drove back to provo, she got ready to start her 12 hour drive back to california the same evening. she likes driving through the night. And then the realization that it still wouldn't work out, despite the great day we'd had, set in. It set in on her first this time. And the realization came to me, too, yet hard to accept it. It's a shade more complicated than Im describing here because she also has someone in california, that she's almost tried being with but hasn't ever fully tried... and she knows she needs to spend some time with him or in a relationship with him before deciding how to resolve that relationship. so yeah, thats an added factor too. ...hmm...
But sunday night we said good bye on a ...I guess 'melancholy' note could describe it. You see we both want to keep being best friends because its sooo great to have someone like that there for you... but we let it get past that and we both liked it, but were scared, and didn't want to ruin our friendship... But at the same time it was so great being toGEther that we were toying with the idea of finding a way to make it work. That's just the imagination in us, or in me though. So, yes, I opened my heart. The most it's been open since dating trista at 16. And all in a few short days...
My abf left, went back to california, and I stay here in utah, getting prepped for finals and with my emotions all mixed around and up in the air. I don't regret what happened though. Even though my heart isn't on cloud 9 right now, I'm so happy for the things I've experienced and the ways I'm growing. I felt what you SHOULD feel when you're with someone and you really like them. And you could just sit for hours with them in your arms. I needed that. I needed to know what it's like to be with someone you really enjoy and really like. Not just what it's like to be with someone, or hook up with a hawtie. So if everythign does go as planned (the plan being to continue being best friends with my abf) I think I can deal with it :). At least this time I don't have to resort to avoiding all communication when things didn't work out with trista, the first time. I guess we grow up and become stronger people. I AM strong enough to be content with being best friends... that was the plan, that was what we both decided on anyway!
So with that weekend, which was just last weekend, over, I tried getting back to normal life. But I missed being with someone. I like that feeling... and theres this girl, molly, at work. We get along well, laugh a lllllllllot together, and just have funnnn. We hung out and I started liking her halfway because she's way fun and I like her halfway because I want to be with someone. - Maybe this is the spiral some people get stuck in... I know I'm just barely scratching the surface... but you know, like that feeling that you always need to be with someone, and so you're get into tons of relationships, very few of which you see going anywhere.
Anyways mollys not quite like that cause I really am interested in her and could see myself dating her. But this weekend we made plans to hang out yesterday and tonight and neither really worked out... and now itll probably be awkward like oh, im so sorry it didnt work out, uhh, i forgot to call back, ummm, etc. which makes me sad. because i would be much happier if I was on the couch cuddling with her right now than sitting on facebook looking for something to do.. haha maybe thats being too honest ;).
And then there's addie who is still around and would probably want to hang out if I called her up (even though I kind of disappeared on her lately :/) ...but it's like do I date her just because I can't get things worked out with other girl 1 and other girl 2... or do I wait and date none for now, and keep looking for another amazing girl who everythings works out just dandy with from the beginning... this is where I need good advice, anyone? cause I don't know what to do. or maybe I should just fade out for my last 2 weeks here in provo and study hard for finals then go home to washington and recollect myself up there...
Well. I think I wrote out most of what I'm feeling inside right now. I did it! I love writing... it relaxes me. I wrote a letter to my abf nearly in tears the night we decided we cant be together and I can't remember what it said. I know it ended in gratitude for being friends though, which is a good thing :).
Overall though, I'm feeling good, feeling happy, feeling some emotional highs and lows, but I'm feeling happy with life. I'm glad I remember and know what it feels like to really like someone and start to open your heart up to them... even if it was painful. I know and am fairly confident that things with my almost best friend will continue as planned - to be friends who can count on each other, not more. And guess what, dating life can only go up from here!!!! =) I'm still a cautious person when it comes to this, but I think I can tell now what and who is worth the risk... and I'm willing and I'll to my best to be ready to take that risk when it comes.
Life is good, I am blessed, I like this.
So... blah. I've really been trying hard to figure crap out the last few weeks. It sucks. Okay so I've been in school now since January... which is about the last time I wrote in my journal. My classes are great, and oh I remember my first day in my sign language (yea, i love ASL!) class I saw this girl, Kendis. And yea I've thought girls are attractive before, but man, I felt sometihng inside me go off, my heart jumped :). Kendis was my first real 'crush' after my mission. (see remember I'm still trying to figure out dating and everything, I've been annexed from the real world for 2 years). Anyways to my surprise I was able to talk with her and exchange numbers... and was able to do that with a couple girls, odd :). And so Kendis and I met up once, got some jamba juice, then I asked her if she'd like to get dinner sometime, she said yea... And then we went out for dinner, then conveniently to see a movie we had to watch for class ;). Yeah so I'm pretty sure this was the worst date ever. I bet it was like a marriage potential candidate interview dinner. I dont know. It felt awkward. It was awkward. I liked her but I didn't know how to appropriately and in a cute but not overbearing way to show it... and I barely even knew how to say goodbye at the end of a date. That was bad. So yea, we didnt go out again.. sad.
HAHA but that was the start of a long process - well I guess not that long, yet, its just been a few months - of me trying to get back into the love scene. SO I kept dating, went out with a friend from washington. Meanwhile school is going pretty well, classes are demanding but I was really enjoying it. Oh and then I met annie, she's pretty cool, got a group and went dancing, my first time dancing/clubbing whatever you call it in 2+ years. I actually hate calling it clubbing because it makes me feel like a skank. But I do love getting a group of friends and going dancing. Anyway I also met this girl, ashley on campus and got her number in January. And I thought she was cute, but didn't really know how much I liked her... but I decided to give it a shot seeing as how other things weren't working out...
I hope that doesn't sound bad... I don't want to use anyone or just go out with them for the fun of it, but it is good to be constantly dating SOMEone, right? This is a dilemma for me, right now. But yeah ashley and I started dating in february, even though I knew it wouldn't go anywhere or last. SO yeah, and it lasted maybe 3 weeks until I felt so bad and always felt obligated to call and text her when I didnt want to that I just told her I needed to date more people haha and I used the excuse that I just came back from a mission and am not ready for a girlfriend (probably about 10% true). HAH.
Okay so this 'break up' probably happened... early march? Meanwhile school is going well, I am meeting other new friends and girls.. oh and I got a job, keeping me even more unnecessarily busy... oh and also I've started gettin close to a friend from california via phone and online. A good friend that I care for but have never dreamed of a relationship out of fear of ruining a rare and very satisfying nearly best-friendship with nothing more attached. So mid march, after the whole ashley thing, I start hanging out with this girl from my religion class, addie. We have fun together, go out to this festival of colors and have a GREAT time together... I am seeing good potential here.
And then conference weekend comes, this is just one weekend ago. My friend from cali decided to come into town and visit some people during her week off and we joke around a lot of about spending 'almost best friend' bonding time together. or abfbt. and we have a abftdl, or almost best friend to do list including ice skating, pictures, running, watching a certain movie, coming to my hockey game, etc. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I just didnt know what to think and avoided thought or preparation for what would happen if we didnt spend that much time together. So she came into town... I kind of blew off addie for a few days :(. And yes, unexpected, unanticipated, unprepared for, basically un-everything happened.
This whole time I am a very cautious person. I don't let myself get too close to girls, or guys, or anyone, that I don't really care for. Ashley was kind of an exception and it started eating at me after just a week or 2 so I had to end it. So with my almost best friend in town I was the same way. we clicked, we had fun, we liked each other, we could tell. but I didn't want to open up. I was scared.
After 2 days together we started acting pretty couple-ish i guess you can say, not around our friends or known to others...but with each other, and during our 'bonding time'. oh, like you know that feeling when you REALLY start to like someone? and you really start to care about them, and you look at each other in the eyes and just kind of laugh and enjoy it, and nothing makes youhappier than to just have them in your arms... Yes... and then you can tell you're opening a spot in your heart for them... do you know this feeling?? its hard to describe but I'm sure you know what I mean. Well, it's been a LONG time since I've opened up like that. And i didnt want to. And so my abf and I talked. and first i decided we shouldnt do this to ourselves becasue it won't work out (many reasons, one being distance). And also she came to the same conclusion. :/
So all's fine, right? We're both unanimous. We'll move along.
Well decisions are one thing, when you're all alone, weighing out the pros and cons, try to be rational... BUT being around someone and feeling extremely attracted to them and wanting to squeeze them and hold them in your arms for hours is another thing. Very different. That was a rough saturday night after deciding we shouldn't be together. At least deciding that now wasnt the time and place.
And so that night around 5am i went running and running, long and hard, felt like i should be in a movie and do something dramatic but didn't luckily. And I just started thinking... wow. Okay so now she knows how I feel, I know how she feels... and wait... why is it that we both decided this won't work? There's so many reasons, but at the same time there's not a single worthy reason I can think of.
And that day, the next day, it was a sunday. We spent some time together. And instead of me being hesitant and worried and selfish not wanting to get myself hurt, I decided to open up. I figured well, this is it. She's in town one more day, I've already felt the high of highs beign with her and a long, hard, night accepting that I'd be without her, and her without me. And so I went for it. I kissed her in the morning, contrary to what we both decided. And after getting ready we went for a drive... went up into the mountains.
We drove around, finally stopping at a park. we were together. we let ourselves be together. I let myself. I guess I opened my heart... exactly what I'm so hesitant and afraid about. It was a pleasant afternoon :). We had dinner with my relatives in utah where at first I thought we'd do the whole around other people, pretend like we were just friends thing... and she quietly asked if it was okay to hug me... I said yes. I wish I would've said only if you really mean it. We embraced and acted couple-esque in front of my utah relatives that evening. It was nice.
So then sunday night came. We drove back to provo, she got ready to start her 12 hour drive back to california the same evening. she likes driving through the night. And then the realization that it still wouldn't work out, despite the great day we'd had, set in. It set in on her first this time. And the realization came to me, too, yet hard to accept it. It's a shade more complicated than Im describing here because she also has someone in california, that she's almost tried being with but hasn't ever fully tried... and she knows she needs to spend some time with him or in a relationship with him before deciding how to resolve that relationship. so yeah, thats an added factor too. ...hmm...
But sunday night we said good bye on a ...I guess 'melancholy' note could describe it. You see we both want to keep being best friends because its sooo great to have someone like that there for you... but we let it get past that and we both liked it, but were scared, and didn't want to ruin our friendship... But at the same time it was so great being toGEther that we were toying with the idea of finding a way to make it work. That's just the imagination in us, or in me though. So, yes, I opened my heart. The most it's been open since dating trista at 16. And all in a few short days...
My abf left, went back to california, and I stay here in utah, getting prepped for finals and with my emotions all mixed around and up in the air. I don't regret what happened though. Even though my heart isn't on cloud 9 right now, I'm so happy for the things I've experienced and the ways I'm growing. I felt what you SHOULD feel when you're with someone and you really like them. And you could just sit for hours with them in your arms. I needed that. I needed to know what it's like to be with someone you really enjoy and really like. Not just what it's like to be with someone, or hook up with a hawtie. So if everythign does go as planned (the plan being to continue being best friends with my abf) I think I can deal with it :). At least this time I don't have to resort to avoiding all communication when things didn't work out with trista, the first time. I guess we grow up and become stronger people. I AM strong enough to be content with being best friends... that was the plan, that was what we both decided on anyway!
So with that weekend, which was just last weekend, over, I tried getting back to normal life. But I missed being with someone. I like that feeling... and theres this girl, molly, at work. We get along well, laugh a lllllllllot together, and just have funnnn. We hung out and I started liking her halfway because she's way fun and I like her halfway because I want to be with someone. - Maybe this is the spiral some people get stuck in... I know I'm just barely scratching the surface... but you know, like that feeling that you always need to be with someone, and so you're get into tons of relationships, very few of which you see going anywhere.
Anyways mollys not quite like that cause I really am interested in her and could see myself dating her. But this weekend we made plans to hang out yesterday and tonight and neither really worked out... and now itll probably be awkward like oh, im so sorry it didnt work out, uhh, i forgot to call back, ummm, etc. which makes me sad. because i would be much happier if I was on the couch cuddling with her right now than sitting on facebook looking for something to do.. haha maybe thats being too honest ;).
And then there's addie who is still around and would probably want to hang out if I called her up (even though I kind of disappeared on her lately :/) ...but it's like do I date her just because I can't get things worked out with other girl 1 and other girl 2... or do I wait and date none for now, and keep looking for another amazing girl who everythings works out just dandy with from the beginning... this is where I need good advice, anyone? cause I don't know what to do. or maybe I should just fade out for my last 2 weeks here in provo and study hard for finals then go home to washington and recollect myself up there...
Well. I think I wrote out most of what I'm feeling inside right now. I did it! I love writing... it relaxes me. I wrote a letter to my abf nearly in tears the night we decided we cant be together and I can't remember what it said. I know it ended in gratitude for being friends though, which is a good thing :).
Overall though, I'm feeling good, feeling happy, feeling some emotional highs and lows, but I'm feeling happy with life. I'm glad I remember and know what it feels like to really like someone and start to open your heart up to them... even if it was painful. I know and am fairly confident that things with my almost best friend will continue as planned - to be friends who can count on each other, not more. And guess what, dating life can only go up from here!!!! =) I'm still a cautious person when it comes to this, but I think I can tell now what and who is worth the risk... and I'm willing and I'll to my best to be ready to take that risk when it comes.
Life is good, I am blessed, I like this.