(no subject)
I remembered a great example of some of the issues... Anyone know why I stopped talking to Shiva@FFMUX? Anyone know why I'm still so upset with him?
Many months ago he felt it necessary to use me in a cruel test, without any permission or warning for me, with someone who had hurt me very badly. When caught no effort was made to explain the situation to me. None. Instead he went and explained it all to Fallofrain, and to her he apologized. Didn't matter she wasn't the one used, she got the apology. Never has he attempted to even explain to me why he did what he did. Explaining and apologizing to Fall were all he felt he needed.
Everyone else appears to feel this was acceptable too, and any time I attempt to talk about it I am either told I'm a whiner, or people scatter to the winds and pretend it all never happened.
I don't think people even realize this is how they come off. I feel as if I'm not allowed emotions and an oppinion. I'm told that I have no right to such things. Should I have feelings... it's all in my head, I'm exaggerating, I'm wrong. Always. If my opinion differs in any way.. repeat what I said above. I don't expect people to agree with me all the time, but I would like to be able to feel as if I'm not a monster for having emotions at all.
I haven't talked to Shiva since this, and he doesn't care. No one else much cares either. It's just Kelen, she doesn't get feelings. She's just there for us when we need her, and the rest of the time she's to sit silently in the corner.
And now.. again no one is willing to talk about it. They'd rather avoid me and grouse about it to one another. u.u I'm told I'm wrong, I'm whiny, etc. Welcome to your life, Kelen, now go sit in your corner. Don't forget to smile and nod when we need something.
B-chan has been wonderful, and I thank you. Having someone listen to me is really nice. Philia and Loneguardian I should also thank. Westy.. thank you so much for reaching out. <3
From what B-chan tells me everyone is pointing fingers at FFXI and saying I'm at fault. No one seems to much care I only started playing FFXI because of being utterly lonely in a croud of people who said they were my friends. The silence from most everyone is telling as well. I guess asking for a hello is too much in the cause of friendship. u.u Then again.. I think I'm getting far too used to silence.