Can't sleep. Can't talk. Can't do anything I want...
So I guess I'll attempt to post a real update in what will hopefully be a coherent stream of consciousness. No promises. There's precious little that can be called "coherent" in the tornado of my brain these days.
Going to be a student for the first time in...a very long time...this fall. The thought is as exciting as it is terrifying.
Charlie's recovering fine. In fact, even laid up, the man makes the absolute MEANEST chili-dog sauce on the planet. Got sent home with a small cup of the stuff yesterday and it's already gone. I'm going to have to ask him how he does it. Because yeah, this is worth repeating often.
It's been about a year since I last spoke to my father. Doesn't look like that's going to change. Can't say that really bothers me either.
Grandma's funeral is tomorrow. Not really geeked about this. But, well, duh. Death in the family, no matter how old the person, always sucks. It's doubly so this time around because despite all the things wrong with grandma and her advanced age, I really, really feel that this shouldn't've happened. You see, she was dropped. Originally the facility that she was at said there were two people helping her into bed. Now they aren't saying anything. I ask this for the thousandth time: how do two professional care providers drop an elderly woman who was maybe 90 lbs soaking wet? Cause of death at the facility is also being denied us. Along with alot of other records. We (we being my aunt Nancy, my brother, and my mom and I), were at the care facility on monday, cleaning out the last of her stuff and saying goodbye (she was still in her bed. And holy hell: disturbing. NOT the 1st time I've been around the corpse of a loved one, but they did a piss poor job preparing her for family viewing. The look on her face was pained, and her eyes kept slowly opening.) and the sadness was definitely marred by anger. From all of us. My brother especially. There was a time or two I thought Shawn was going to start wandering the nursing home interrogating every nurse there to find out who dropped grandma. *sigh* Can't say I blame him. But man...his anger was incandescent. And folks say I'M reactionary and short-fused. Please, hang with my little brother on a bad day...
Then again, it's hard to take comfort in the fact that she's no longer in pain when there's a prevailing sense that she shouldn't have been in pain to begin with. Even with the dementia and Alzheimer's, Lucille Burton was an absolute joy. She always had something humorous to say, and spun great yarns. Never mind that she was under the impression that I'm still and 8 year old kid that hides in cupboards.
Anyway, needless to say: looks like there's a long and stupid lawsuit ahead.
Went for a walk earlier. Kinda drove home how stressed and in pain I am lately. Seriously, I hurt everywhere. And have for about a month now. Granted, it's no secret I've been a pissed off stressball for about as long. It's seriously affecting lots of aspects of my life that I'm not happy about. Then again: I'm not happy about much these days. I've been done dirty for months straight (since...oh..about the end of January) and haven't had much ability to show those that HAVEN'T done me dirty (and those that haven't is an even longer list than those that have, adding to the irony and ridiculousness, and thereby putting my anger in bold print and and ending it with a big fat: ! ) how much I appreciate them. Hopefully, I can relax at some point, stop hurting, stop thinking about a long walk that resulted in alot of love and self discovery, and the long walk that came months after when it unraveled in a very violent way and I took more hits than Foreman in his last fight that should've been the end of it but wasn't. Stop thinking about what all went down with the most recent ex and our last conversation, where under the guise of being worried about me, she basically revealed that the reason for the conversation had pretty much fuck-all to do with me and was more about making herself feel better. Stop thinking about being lied to, slandered, and having my words twisted willy-nilly. Yeah...I take it all back...yall are right..I've got noooo call to be furious at all...*rolleyes*. Seriously. The indignation on display at how pissed off I am at people lately is staggering. There comes a point when so many things go wrong at once or one after the other other that youdon't want apologies anymore because they feel hollow and insincere. You want things made right. And if that can't happen, you just want to be left the hell alone.
In one of those rare nights where I was able to kind of relax, I was in the arms of an old friend that I love dearly that implored me to "not be a rock" for a little while. She said something to the effect that I wanted to cry, but felt I couldn't, and that I wanted to lash out, and felt I couldn't do that either. And she's right. She was also right about me not sleeping much lately. I indulged her a little bit. For a second I let go and started to let it all out. But instinct being what it is, I walled it up and got pretty rocky again not long after. It's starting to come naturally at this point. And that's...wrong.
That's enough bitching for one night, I think.
Going to be a student for the first time in...a very long time...this fall. The thought is as exciting as it is terrifying.
Charlie's recovering fine. In fact, even laid up, the man makes the absolute MEANEST chili-dog sauce on the planet. Got sent home with a small cup of the stuff yesterday and it's already gone. I'm going to have to ask him how he does it. Because yeah, this is worth repeating often.
It's been about a year since I last spoke to my father. Doesn't look like that's going to change. Can't say that really bothers me either.
Grandma's funeral is tomorrow. Not really geeked about this. But, well, duh. Death in the family, no matter how old the person, always sucks. It's doubly so this time around because despite all the things wrong with grandma and her advanced age, I really, really feel that this shouldn't've happened. You see, she was dropped. Originally the facility that she was at said there were two people helping her into bed. Now they aren't saying anything. I ask this for the thousandth time: how do two professional care providers drop an elderly woman who was maybe 90 lbs soaking wet? Cause of death at the facility is also being denied us. Along with alot of other records. We (we being my aunt Nancy, my brother, and my mom and I), were at the care facility on monday, cleaning out the last of her stuff and saying goodbye (she was still in her bed. And holy hell: disturbing. NOT the 1st time I've been around the corpse of a loved one, but they did a piss poor job preparing her for family viewing. The look on her face was pained, and her eyes kept slowly opening.) and the sadness was definitely marred by anger. From all of us. My brother especially. There was a time or two I thought Shawn was going to start wandering the nursing home interrogating every nurse there to find out who dropped grandma. *sigh* Can't say I blame him. But man...his anger was incandescent. And folks say I'M reactionary and short-fused. Please, hang with my little brother on a bad day...
Then again, it's hard to take comfort in the fact that she's no longer in pain when there's a prevailing sense that she shouldn't have been in pain to begin with. Even with the dementia and Alzheimer's, Lucille Burton was an absolute joy. She always had something humorous to say, and spun great yarns. Never mind that she was under the impression that I'm still and 8 year old kid that hides in cupboards.
Anyway, needless to say: looks like there's a long and stupid lawsuit ahead.
Went for a walk earlier. Kinda drove home how stressed and in pain I am lately. Seriously, I hurt everywhere. And have for about a month now. Granted, it's no secret I've been a pissed off stressball for about as long. It's seriously affecting lots of aspects of my life that I'm not happy about. Then again: I'm not happy about much these days. I've been done dirty for months straight (since...oh..about the end of January) and haven't had much ability to show those that HAVEN'T done me dirty (and those that haven't is an even longer list than those that have, adding to the irony and ridiculousness, and thereby putting my anger in bold print and and ending it with a big fat: ! ) how much I appreciate them. Hopefully, I can relax at some point, stop hurting, stop thinking about a long walk that resulted in alot of love and self discovery, and the long walk that came months after when it unraveled in a very violent way and I took more hits than Foreman in his last fight that should've been the end of it but wasn't. Stop thinking about what all went down with the most recent ex and our last conversation, where under the guise of being worried about me, she basically revealed that the reason for the conversation had pretty much fuck-all to do with me and was more about making herself feel better. Stop thinking about being lied to, slandered, and having my words twisted willy-nilly. Yeah...I take it all back...yall are right..I've got noooo call to be furious at all...*rolleyes*. Seriously. The indignation on display at how pissed off I am at people lately is staggering. There comes a point when so many things go wrong at once or one after the other other that youdon't want apologies anymore because they feel hollow and insincere. You want things made right. And if that can't happen, you just want to be left the hell alone.
In one of those rare nights where I was able to kind of relax, I was in the arms of an old friend that I love dearly that implored me to "not be a rock" for a little while. She said something to the effect that I wanted to cry, but felt I couldn't, and that I wanted to lash out, and felt I couldn't do that either. And she's right. She was also right about me not sleeping much lately. I indulged her a little bit. For a second I let go and started to let it all out. But instinct being what it is, I walled it up and got pretty rocky again not long after. It's starting to come naturally at this point. And that's...wrong.
That's enough bitching for one night, I think.