trying to find myself, or at least my place
So I was sitting in my living room listening to my MP3 player when Yellowcard started to play and I heard the two or three perfect statements that sum up everything that I'm feeling/ going through my head.
"Wrap me up in a dream of you"- that explains the feeling that in my mind my relationship is so perfect that I want to spend all my time sleeping. I wake up every morning feeling absolutely wonderful about Chris and I , and by the time I go to sleep at night I want to cry. its because I'm putting demands on him that I know arent him. I want him to be all the things I loved about evan. i know thats not fair but lately ive been missing my precollege life hardcore. i miss the summers driving in my car with kelly doing nothing and everything at the same time. i miss laying in evans bed for hours just watching him play gt3 and listening to his music. i miss sitting in the lounge playing euchre with everyone. i miss billy playing with my hair, chasing after adam and always failing. i miss lunch with the boys. fighting with mike about the stupid things in life, i even miss going to elises to watch the matrix for the 100th time. everything in my life seems to be changing, and my world is getting smaller and smaller, its making it so hard to even breathe. i barely talk to anyone from cls anymore, kelly is staying in louisville this summer. school is just so different this year, it seems i only talk to my roommates my boyfriend and laura. where did my world go? in attempts to escape that small world of school i go home, and when i am there, i am alone. i am becoming such a recuse. it scares me, but so does trying to build a new world. i dont like meeting new people. i dont know, maybe im just going crazy. how do i learn to expand my world to something that i can still be myself but be happy? what happened to me, why dont i change when everything else around me does?
"Wrap me up in a dream of you"- that explains the feeling that in my mind my relationship is so perfect that I want to spend all my time sleeping. I wake up every morning feeling absolutely wonderful about Chris and I , and by the time I go to sleep at night I want to cry. its because I'm putting demands on him that I know arent him. I want him to be all the things I loved about evan. i know thats not fair but lately ive been missing my precollege life hardcore. i miss the summers driving in my car with kelly doing nothing and everything at the same time. i miss laying in evans bed for hours just watching him play gt3 and listening to his music. i miss sitting in the lounge playing euchre with everyone. i miss billy playing with my hair, chasing after adam and always failing. i miss lunch with the boys. fighting with mike about the stupid things in life, i even miss going to elises to watch the matrix for the 100th time. everything in my life seems to be changing, and my world is getting smaller and smaller, its making it so hard to even breathe. i barely talk to anyone from cls anymore, kelly is staying in louisville this summer. school is just so different this year, it seems i only talk to my roommates my boyfriend and laura. where did my world go? in attempts to escape that small world of school i go home, and when i am there, i am alone. i am becoming such a recuse. it scares me, but so does trying to build a new world. i dont like meeting new people. i dont know, maybe im just going crazy. how do i learn to expand my world to something that i can still be myself but be happy? what happened to me, why dont i change when everything else around me does?