Drifting in fading colours...
Will art save me? At least temporary, to survive to the special moment?
Will the things I'll do be good enough for the special moment?
Will they be special and make him notice...?
Do feelings really live in the things created with them...
...and then, do they go to the people they are meant to through the objects?
I guess. What are feelings. Energy. And what are objects? Molecules. I think that energy easily imbues those molecules. I'm curious how does the other process go, though... Because that energy has to have some... how to call it, something like a direction, "mind" of its own to know where to go... but I guess, the strength of the feelings is enough to play the role.
I'm becoming one of them... somehow. With the serious doll-making that's coming for me to do... with all the studio plans and projects, the art and vision... everything... Maybe I'm just thinking and can't believe it but stepping outside of myself and seeing it all from aside... I think I've started becoming more and more like... "Them" - the people like Shimizu Mari, Koitsukihime, Etsuko Miura, Minako... It actually scares me because it's practically a form of non-existing. But since I don't have anything left to lose... I guess I can dedicate my life, from here on, to this. It's actually... the closest to Közi away.
I start out. Nothing matters... except him. I just want to be there... it doesn't matter if I'm even visible, just... even in some emptiness behind him, I just want to be there... always...
Just be left alone with this until I'm.. gone.
I start out doing anything I can. Anything that comes to my mind, for any purpose, anywhere, at anytime. I know it'll never matter to him but still... What else do I have left to do? Just lie in the bed and wait to die? I might be very sick... but I don't want to end like some ill little person... I don't want to... I just don't want to... I'll make things, even if they don't matter anything or will never reach him. Just do things... during the process of doing of which, I'll be there with him... in a way. If it's ending, at least let it last just a while more, for the special moment... once in my life... afterwards...
!
Just an illustration of him I did. The way I really see him, the way I like him, the way he is.
Just dare call it fanart. -.- How am I to explain, what relevant reason to expose to prove what I'm doing has nothing to do with any fan-things? How to prove it's all personal and totally has nothing to do with his music or the way he looks on stage... It's just... him, I can't put it in any more simple way!
...He's everything I have left. I'll hold on to him, in all possible ways I can... until the very end. Until the day I just... die. I don't want to live without him and I'm not fighting against my illness or this. I'm just... just fading into it.
Will the things I'll do be good enough for the special moment?
Will they be special and make him notice...?
Do feelings really live in the things created with them...
...and then, do they go to the people they are meant to through the objects?
I guess. What are feelings. Energy. And what are objects? Molecules. I think that energy easily imbues those molecules. I'm curious how does the other process go, though... Because that energy has to have some... how to call it, something like a direction, "mind" of its own to know where to go... but I guess, the strength of the feelings is enough to play the role.
I'm becoming one of them... somehow. With the serious doll-making that's coming for me to do... with all the studio plans and projects, the art and vision... everything... Maybe I'm just thinking and can't believe it but stepping outside of myself and seeing it all from aside... I think I've started becoming more and more like... "Them" - the people like Shimizu Mari, Koitsukihime, Etsuko Miura, Minako... It actually scares me because it's practically a form of non-existing. But since I don't have anything left to lose... I guess I can dedicate my life, from here on, to this. It's actually... the closest to Közi away.
I start out. Nothing matters... except him. I just want to be there... it doesn't matter if I'm even visible, just... even in some emptiness behind him, I just want to be there... always...
Just be left alone with this until I'm.. gone.
I start out doing anything I can. Anything that comes to my mind, for any purpose, anywhere, at anytime. I know it'll never matter to him but still... What else do I have left to do? Just lie in the bed and wait to die? I might be very sick... but I don't want to end like some ill little person... I don't want to... I just don't want to... I'll make things, even if they don't matter anything or will never reach him. Just do things... during the process of doing of which, I'll be there with him... in a way. If it's ending, at least let it last just a while more, for the special moment... once in my life... afterwards...
!
Just an illustration of him I did. The way I really see him, the way I like him, the way he is.
Just dare call it fanart. -.- How am I to explain, what relevant reason to expose to prove what I'm doing has nothing to do with any fan-things? How to prove it's all personal and totally has nothing to do with his music or the way he looks on stage... It's just... him, I can't put it in any more simple way!
...He's everything I have left. I'll hold on to him, in all possible ways I can... until the very end. Until the day I just... die. I don't want to live without him and I'm not fighting against my illness or this. I'm just... just fading into it.