Otherworldliness
I'm on MC from my last week of confinement in tekong now, and all i can say about the last 2 weeks on that island is that it is absolutely mindblowing and the process of regimentation every single day has killed my mind, heart and soul 6-7 times over. (i've journalled after a few days of settling in and i recall each process!)
i'm determined to not just be another product of the SAF system, but a product of God's divine system.
My perspective of small things i got comfortable with like food, time, relationships, responsibilities, reasons and whys, and ways of carrying things out are complete wrecked and blown over by just the 3rd day of PTP. (not BMT, because i am unfit and failed napfa)
let me begin by first saying that SAF was entirely not how i imagined it to be. Truly, like all my army friends say, you got to be in it to understand it. And no amount of preparation could have ready-ed me for what i experienced the last two weeks. Military life is another whole different world on its own, and has no correspondence whatsoever with the life here as a civilian, and all the while ive just been trying to analyse and guess the military life with a civilian mindset. for 3 years, i now understand that i've never actually understood what my friends went through.
the ladder you climb at the SAF is unlike any other ladder at all- unlike any corporate ladder in a company, or a faith-ladder in church and in your spiritual life. it is one built on pride, self-ambition and a constant pushing of mind over matter, strength above all else.
During the first 2 days i was just new and getting to know my way around things, when by the end of the 3rd day, i realised it wasnt even an orientation for me. It was a conditioning i was being put under, and my whole life from that day on was going to serve the SAF system, and nothing else. If i were going to survive in that place, i would need to lose my SELF entirely to the system, let it run my life for me, and trust God that it will be run safely and run well.
I couldnt even think for the first 4 days or so. All that was in my mind was getting the schedule done. Falling in for morning parade. warming up with 5bx. drinking water. marching off to cookhouse. eating the breakfast. marching back. cleaning the room. morning PT- which blows my mind further with its intensity and rough time of 3hours. then march off for lunch. eat lunch. march back. lecture. then this, and that, and a b and c. its just a blow by blow chain of events that i have to get through..
even with 2 injuries i was unstoppable. i fell during a 2.4 run and had my knee bleeding mad. didnt care, just got up and continued running. it took me 2 days to realize that the pus flowing out was too overwhelming (it stained my bedsheets overnight) and i was a human, so i had to visit the medics. and that was where God started to speak to me and started to open up my mind all over again.
I had the sense of otherworldliness in the otherworld. and God was so real, so tangible and so sweet in the place of sterile, quiet and precision. He was assuring me all the way, by LITERALLY providing me a david and a jonathan as my section mates where we could pray together. He gave me the pain to hinder me, to chasten me, and to assure me of my individuality in a world where everything only works in herd mentality. He disabled me to show me that i could rely on my buddy and the section mates he provided me, to look out for me when im not so focused and distracted by pain. He told me i was still human in an inhuman place.
And there he drew the lines for me, of what are the things he wanted me to learn in the army, and what he wanted me to cast away. The good and the bad, so i knew what to accept and what to reject. Learning to listen, striving for excellence, being the best i can and always alert to instruction- those were a few of the gold things. Once in a while i get distracted and drift into my own thoughts- of tongues and lips, of power and pride, basically of all things carnal, and there also, God reminds me of himself and not to hold on to things i shouldn't be holding on to.
I've become so attentive and alert to the small things around me, every distraction, every sound. Every weird command and every minute that ticks past. Every occasional free-flying insect and line of ants crawling on a random spot- training has sharpened my senses, thoughts AND feelings. And even as i write this down i'm writing this from a place of comfort and rest that is- my room. Its not the same when i'm in camp.
What really drove me to surrender on the 4th day was really the encounter i had with God in the shower at 5am. I went to the toilet so disillusioned and suffering so much emotional and mental pain, and when the icy cold waters hit me a few words did as well, and suddenly, out of nothingness the words "...made with us a COVENANT by water and the spirit" hit me.
It was what we prayed every holy communion so much that its inevitably became a ritual i can almost memorize every word of it. but in the dry times God assures me that he has already MARKED me, and made a covenant that he will never break, because he is a covenant keeping God. I broke down immediately and wept in the shower. I was so touched that even though i became nothing and had nothing as a recruit, God still values me and calls me his own.
From that morning onwards i learnt what it means to truly surrender and let something else run my life. And i can trust that at the end of the day, my roots won't change cause God has already left his mark on me. And i really learned to let go, and let his divine system run me.
I wonder what i would be blogging a few weeks from now, maybe God may already set trials and times of dryness to test me even further, but i won't forget his assurances and his very real presence in me. Am truly thankful for PTP, it is the change i've needed in my life all this while.
i'm determined to not just be another product of the SAF system, but a product of God's divine system.
My perspective of small things i got comfortable with like food, time, relationships, responsibilities, reasons and whys, and ways of carrying things out are complete wrecked and blown over by just the 3rd day of PTP. (not BMT, because i am unfit and failed napfa)
let me begin by first saying that SAF was entirely not how i imagined it to be. Truly, like all my army friends say, you got to be in it to understand it. And no amount of preparation could have ready-ed me for what i experienced the last two weeks. Military life is another whole different world on its own, and has no correspondence whatsoever with the life here as a civilian, and all the while ive just been trying to analyse and guess the military life with a civilian mindset. for 3 years, i now understand that i've never actually understood what my friends went through.
the ladder you climb at the SAF is unlike any other ladder at all- unlike any corporate ladder in a company, or a faith-ladder in church and in your spiritual life. it is one built on pride, self-ambition and a constant pushing of mind over matter, strength above all else.
During the first 2 days i was just new and getting to know my way around things, when by the end of the 3rd day, i realised it wasnt even an orientation for me. It was a conditioning i was being put under, and my whole life from that day on was going to serve the SAF system, and nothing else. If i were going to survive in that place, i would need to lose my SELF entirely to the system, let it run my life for me, and trust God that it will be run safely and run well.
I couldnt even think for the first 4 days or so. All that was in my mind was getting the schedule done. Falling in for morning parade. warming up with 5bx. drinking water. marching off to cookhouse. eating the breakfast. marching back. cleaning the room. morning PT- which blows my mind further with its intensity and rough time of 3hours. then march off for lunch. eat lunch. march back. lecture. then this, and that, and a b and c. its just a blow by blow chain of events that i have to get through..
even with 2 injuries i was unstoppable. i fell during a 2.4 run and had my knee bleeding mad. didnt care, just got up and continued running. it took me 2 days to realize that the pus flowing out was too overwhelming (it stained my bedsheets overnight) and i was a human, so i had to visit the medics. and that was where God started to speak to me and started to open up my mind all over again.
I had the sense of otherworldliness in the otherworld. and God was so real, so tangible and so sweet in the place of sterile, quiet and precision. He was assuring me all the way, by LITERALLY providing me a david and a jonathan as my section mates where we could pray together. He gave me the pain to hinder me, to chasten me, and to assure me of my individuality in a world where everything only works in herd mentality. He disabled me to show me that i could rely on my buddy and the section mates he provided me, to look out for me when im not so focused and distracted by pain. He told me i was still human in an inhuman place.
And there he drew the lines for me, of what are the things he wanted me to learn in the army, and what he wanted me to cast away. The good and the bad, so i knew what to accept and what to reject. Learning to listen, striving for excellence, being the best i can and always alert to instruction- those were a few of the gold things. Once in a while i get distracted and drift into my own thoughts- of tongues and lips, of power and pride, basically of all things carnal, and there also, God reminds me of himself and not to hold on to things i shouldn't be holding on to.
I've become so attentive and alert to the small things around me, every distraction, every sound. Every weird command and every minute that ticks past. Every occasional free-flying insect and line of ants crawling on a random spot- training has sharpened my senses, thoughts AND feelings. And even as i write this down i'm writing this from a place of comfort and rest that is- my room. Its not the same when i'm in camp.
What really drove me to surrender on the 4th day was really the encounter i had with God in the shower at 5am. I went to the toilet so disillusioned and suffering so much emotional and mental pain, and when the icy cold waters hit me a few words did as well, and suddenly, out of nothingness the words "...made with us a COVENANT by water and the spirit" hit me.
It was what we prayed every holy communion so much that its inevitably became a ritual i can almost memorize every word of it. but in the dry times God assures me that he has already MARKED me, and made a covenant that he will never break, because he is a covenant keeping God. I broke down immediately and wept in the shower. I was so touched that even though i became nothing and had nothing as a recruit, God still values me and calls me his own.
From that morning onwards i learnt what it means to truly surrender and let something else run my life. And i can trust that at the end of the day, my roots won't change cause God has already left his mark on me. And i really learned to let go, and let his divine system run me.
I wonder what i would be blogging a few weeks from now, maybe God may already set trials and times of dryness to test me even further, but i won't forget his assurances and his very real presence in me. Am truly thankful for PTP, it is the change i've needed in my life all this while.